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Q: Buying stuff for all the friends/relatives when you get engaged??
A friend who got engaged to a Chinese said he had to buy cookies for all the friends and relatives of his gf's family. Cookie boxes were 20-25 RMB and there were 300 families overall, so he you make the math, he ended spending upward of 7000 RMB. He said his gf's family had offered to pay some of it if he didn't want to (to save his face), but that that was the tradition, and it was unthinkable not to offer all these people something.
Is this common or only with more traditional families? I think his gf comes from a 2nd tier city in the south of China.
First time I've heard of this. I didn't have to do it as it wasn't asked of me.
cookies for family, and CLOSE relatives or special friends - I heard about this, for autumn festival for example (moon - cakes),
but... for that huge amount of "friends and relatives"??!!!
NFW!!!!!!
Never heard of it either. Must be a very "local" custom, or taking advantage of a rich foreigner and strong desire to impress friends and relatives.
I know about 喜糖, sweets, now a days usually chocolate, for friends and relatives you know when you get married. engagement cookies? never heard of. It must be local.
I am not sure when this stuff happened, so here is my thought:
1) You buy these cookies boxes only when you get married, to put them on the wedding tables for your guest as a "memory" of your wedding. Actually, it can be cookies, but also chocolate boxes.
2) there is no tradition behind it to offer cookies or chocolate to relatives
Here in China, when somebody wants something or wants to do thing, there are always new traditions.
I wouldn't want to pay the bill for that wedding if he's already in to every family for 7 g's and the best/rest is yet to come.
As well as that...he was really concerned about losing face? Really? Would love more details about that. 7000rmb = a lot of face before the wedding.
I think Sangoku was right here.
Just to clarify - he said they were cookies or sweets or chocolates, as many of you said. Basically a box of snacks for 20-25 RMB each.
He also stated that for the actual wedding he wouldn't have to buy anything (on the contrary, that's when all the friends and relatives would give hongbaos).
As far as the face thing is concerned, derek, he just said that his gf's parents 'offered to pay to save his face' in case he didn't want to spend that much money. Put yourself in his shoes: he didn't really have much of a choice. Do you really want to risk embarrassing and/or pissing off the parents of your wife-to-be. They put him in a tight spot, even if it truly was the tradition there.
His gf was kinda embarrassed for him, but said that was the tradition there, and that on the one hand his parents didn't really have a choice but to invite so many people (for fear of being accused of being stingy from people in the city), and on the other it makes them happy to celebrate their daughter's engagement.
Depending on the village and their particular traditions, this doesn't seem to be too far of a stretch. I have seen similar things before involving snacks/fruits/whatever. 7,000RMB may seem like a lot, but it will be recouped in the hongbao at the wedding, so it really shouldn't cause too much sleep loss.
The main thing to keep in mind is that the wedding is all about the bride and her family. It is a once in a lifetime occurrence (hopefully) and little extra is really required of the foreigner more than a local.
A happy family makes a happy wife. And a happy wife makes a happy life.
Now... If the girls family starts demanding huge amounts of cash, cars or apartments in exchange for their daughter, then that is the time to tell them where to go. But this is small stuff in the greater scheme of things.
