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Q: Chinese girlfriends and Sajiao
Sajiao, or 'acting like a spoilt child' according to the dictionary, is a characteristic of which I will never understand how it got so popular in China, especially for women. I see it everywhere, on the streets when girls are 'pretending' to be angry with their boyfriends, 'hitting' them, and a lot of my friends have told me that they had to ask their girlfriends to stop this behaviour.
Does your girlfriend do this when she is upset? How do you deal with it? It seems like it is attached to a cultural expectation that girls must be 'cute' but also easily angry...
I'd LOVE to have a Chinese girl go all Sajiao on me.. in a very public place... and get lots and lots of attention...
As I walk away from her and tell her to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a spoilt little brat! (and, btw, never call me again!)
But I'm a bit evil like that 
No. I specifically found a gf who doesn't act like a child. I really can't stand it. It makes me a bit nauseous.
Because when men want to feel like men, they can:
- act like men
- make a pact to all be equally worthless and expect women to play the act for them
I am thinking that sleep-deprivation during the first 5 years of life, due to the constant noise, lack of parenting skills etc means that most Chinese have a underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, making it difficult, as "grown up" to control behaviour.
DrMonkey:
Interesting theory... I read quite often that delayed satisfaction is something that have to be learned very young, and that it helps a lot to grasp concepts like patience, empathy, etc. I hardly see any attempt at teaching delayed satisfaction with kids here.
Scandinavian:
my knowledge about neurological stuff is a bit limited, but one of the things that newborns don't have is "self control" this is gained during the first about 5 years, while the prefrontal cortex is developing.
the "delayed gratification" would fit into this.
The other day at the shopping center. Grandmother + child entering the shop, the wrong way through a checkout line, kid is leading, little fat dude, 5-6 years or so. When he passes the shelf with Kinder eggs in kids height, he says he wants them. Grandmother says OK, no delay, kid starts grabbing all the chocolates from the shelf, Grandmother says he can have only one, 10 seconds later he walks away with 4.
This by the way is just like putting my dog in front of the MIL. "Dear mother in law, please don't feed the dog at the table" ten seconds later after the next piece of food flies off the table "but he looked hungry"
DrMonkey:
Ho, well, in my "awfull parenting" bag of stories, one from this week-end.
I was in Suzhou's museum. Free access, aircon, well-designed building, super clean everywhere. Nice collection from early Bronze Age to Qing Dynasty. In a room full of Ming Dynasty vases and clothes, with wooden floor, packed with people, a little girl tell her mom she would like to pee. No problem, her mom (30-35 years old, expensive clothes and jewelry, elegant, not a countryside bum or a granny), hold her by the legs and tell her to let go. I look at the Ming vases, I look back at the mom and her daughter, I was like "WAT ?!". The little girl says she doesn't feel very comfortable, too much people in the room. Okay, let's do that in the corridor ! I just blew up, put my hand on the mom's shoulder and showed her the direction sign for the toilets, which was *right under her nose*. The words "fat pig" escaped from my mouth too...
The kid was perfectly able to hold it until reaching the toilets. Indeed, the kid was signaling to her mom that she was not feeling doing the right thing by peeing in a room full of priceless Ming vases... but her mom *forces* her daughter to pee in the corridor and ask her to not delay !!! She was fighting her daughter for doing the right thing, that even a 4 years old kid can understand !
So yeah, for some people it's seems don't even avoid teaching delayed satisfaction, they destroy a natural tendency for delayed satisfaction ! That, and now I really believe people would poop in a Tang era vase in a museum, if there wasn't a glass box around it.
leehomjulia:
The thought most Chinese have a underdeveloped prefrontal cortex" is nonsense! Sometimes Chinese girls would behave as a kid. but not always. The reason they do like this is that they want their boyfriends' attention, and it's also a way to flirt with their bf in China. But too much ''sajiao'' is also wrong and intolerable. Even many Chinese girls do ''sajiao'' to their bf, they can behave as adults in many things, and sometimes they deal with things much better men do. This phenomenon is common in china, even in many Asian countries. I think you guys must have not comprehended Chinese people. most Chinese are adorable.
expatlife26:
@Strangelove: I wonder if maybe that mom was trying to force her to pee there to avoid losing face. I don't pretend to understand face, but maybe especially cause an expat called her out on it. that woman kinda feels like "If I do what he says, that's admitting I know what I'm doing is wrong/uncivilized in front of a bunch of people" But if she just does it anyway, even if the daughter is really embarrassed about it, it proves she wasn't doing anything wrong.
I have no idea if that comes into play or not. Just a theory.
even a girl I can't stand it. stupid and childish. I think "sajiao" is more like an "asian" thing.
xunliang:
Yeah. If a girl in the west did it, everyone would think she's crazy.
My wife never pulled sajiao to me, and I made it quite clear I would have *zero* tolerance to it. I think if you pick your girl wisely (ie. not an overgrown child) and make the rules clear (ie. you can criticize me and I will listen, but no shouting/hitting/blackmail and it's two-way), you'll be free of this ...behaviour...
No, I can't stand it, whenever I see other men being bullied or shouted at by their girlfriend/wife outside I want to slap the bitch and punch the guy for not being a real man. My girlfriend does not do it, probably because she is more educated than your average Chinese, she knows that I won't tolerate it, she is perfectly aware that one time sajiao would be enough for me to end our relationship. We are both grown adults, if there is something wrong we can talk and both make equal compromises, I won't let her step on me and the opposite is also true.
I think it comes from their parents and grandparents. They learn quickly that if they go psycho, scream and make a scene somebody will give in and buy them what they want rather than the discipline they need.
They probably watch their parents do the same thing every time they are involved in some sort of disagreement so think that this is how grownups behave.
The little empress ( or emperor) grow up to be an older version of the same spoiled brat, they make a scene to get what they want. In other words.. you hurt my feelings now you need to give me something 
ScotsAlan:
I sort of agree Stiggs, but also disagree.
My 2 year old runs rings around her grandad. I think it's great, it's what grandads are for 
.
I have smacked our daughter on her hand twice. Not hard of course, but just enough to give her a fright and to realise she is doing something bad. Both times I felt dreadfully ashamed. Indeed, I feel shame now for admitting it.
My wife and I want our daughter to have a good happy childhood, because we were both "disciplined" as children, and it does rather take the fun out of being young.
When the wee one starts a tantrum, I pick her up and hold her tight to my body and walk away from the scene. Within 20 steps she has normally calmed down and forgotten what all the fuss was about.
Her grandparents don't do this. They spoil her rotten. But I think she is learning right from wrong.
Most Chinese kids I know are ok.
I dont think the pouting GF is down to their childhood. I put it down to Chinese role models on TV, and dare I say it, some strange desire to emulate the strange Japanese culture of sexually empowered school girls.
I think it's something they learn in their late teens, early 20's.
If you watch single girls in their 20's ( no I'm not a creep... I am an observer ), you can actually see them practice their pouting method on each other.
It actually sounds very similar to the raised pitch (question like) that western girls seem to use at the end of every sentence. That started in California I think, and has spread everywhere.
I think it's role playing in the part of the demure housewife or apple kitted xio san.
Scandinavian:
@Scots. Temper tantrums are best ignored. Giving in or fighting back will not help.
xinyuren:
When my girl was about 1 years old, the tantrums started. I let her know immediately they will not be effective. I ask her, "Do you want to cry?" and then take her to the crying room (bedroom) and let her cry it out alone. Now, at 18 months, I just need to ask her the question and she usually shuts up. If not, I just point to the room and she goes there without help. Discipline is just about training.
My gf does occasionally do it for laughs, I don't mind it as a joke and she knows I wouldn't tolerate if she constantly did often or did it to seriously achieve something. Nah, she's reasonable and smart.
Thinking about it, I don't really see much sajiao in the streets either, I don't know if it's just me not paying attention.
Can't stand it and will not put up with it. Why would a grown up girl need to resort to acting like a 12 year old asking for a candy? Maybe they think it will make their men love them more? If so, I'd say it's a weird way of doing it.
Stiggs:
If they think that's what their boyfriends or husbands expect and look for, then you really need to ask what is wrong with the guys that they are attracted to someone with the mind of a child ?
I think it is very nice. I want to have a foreign gf and I want her to Sajiao. I already asked Sorrell but she said no. 
Scandinavian:
It should be pretty easy for a smart young guy to pick up a foreign girl
http://www.aliexpress.com/popular/japanese-sex-doll.html
not sure if she will sajiao though.
Redguard:
thanks stan. You should try http://www.lemonparty.net it will give you ideas on how to find happiness.
many of my foreign friends that speak better chinese than me always pick on this when they see it in public, hey yimmer, take your daughter back home till she knows how to behave in public, hey yimmer did you forget to bring a diaper for your kid sister. hey yimmer, do you need to borrow my baby bottle, i think i have an extra pacifier around here somewhere to.
I also like saJiao.
My ex told me thousands of time to stop act like a baby.But I continued and he received this big baby woman as his gf.
Victoriagalaxy:
We broke up not because i do sajiao.He is pretty cool guy.He was someone seeing my good heart and received things he did not like on me.That is why he was so cool.Rarely a man can be that cool. From the words you judge me.I guess most men can not be that cool like my great ex.And we may get back if he came back to China one year's later and if i do not date anyone yhat time. He never really want to leave me,I know.
tomcatflyer:
Vicki you are delusional again. Of course he wanted to leave you, that is why he did. He is probably thankful for a lucky escape.
iWolf:
He probably told you he was going back home but in actual fact moved to the other side of the city or to a different provence to be with his newest upgrade.
i am embarrassed for women everywhere when I see this behaviour: at home I don't see this in girls older than 8 or 9 years old
i asked a local friend and was told it makes the guys seem more like a man when they 'pacify' the gf or wife.
it doesn't say much on a guy's self-esteem if it depends on the childish behaviour of another adult
Lord_hanson:
I guess they think it is a better option than acting like a man. They obviously haven't heard of self respect.
sorrel:
and then they wonder why foreign women aren't attracted to them.......
This has been asked several times before, big whoop. I've never seen.
sm90:
Sorry, I haven't been here for nearly 9000 posts, and I have seen it quite a few times and just wanted to know what people think. Maybe it is time for you to post a question that you haven't seen before 
TedDBayer:
Sorry, let me buy you a flashlite. Thats why there search option and I have never seen women do this. If did see the tantrum thing, I'd only laugh, which would make it worse, which would make me laugh harder, which would make it even worse, until I'm laughing so hard I can't stand up. I think it is also acting like a cute doll, never really seen.
I'd LOVE to have a Chinese girl go all Sajiao on me.. in a very public place... and get lots and lots of attention...
As I walk away from her and tell her to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a spoilt little brat! (and, btw, never call me again!)
But I'm a bit evil like that
It depends.
I heard friends saying they don't like girls sajiao.
But my bf is also not Chinese but he got used to sajiao now and sometimes he sajiao to me.
As a Chinese woman,I don't understand either as Sajiao is not my thing.
My advice is,just ignore.
Sajiao as a form of flirting is tolerable and maybe even cute. Sajiao as a form of manipulation...I feel the same as most of the guys here. Will not stand for it.
Yesterday I left my wife standing in the middle of the High Street for the same inappropriate manner and actions. She really goes into one, at home or in public if she cannot get her own way or want. I have tried again and again to explain at this is not adult behaviour, more child like. She is 35 years old and really went into one yesterday, 'not the first ' I ask her not to shout or pull at me pull me in a public area and that if she did, I would walk away and returned home. Guess what! she did and I did. All because she could get an iPad, considering yesterday evening I had bought her a new wedding ring. We walked for hours in and out of stores trying to find the right one. Now I feel letdown, the meaning of the ring is void and meaningless. At home she really takes a huff, which is OK I don't have to listen to her. However in public she does not understand its about my self respect, and I am concerned the locals would think that I treat her badly. So yesterday once again I told her if it in appropriate and childish behaviour does not stop then I have no other alternative but to return to the UK/France, for a quieter life, it was not a threat but a promise, which I would have no hesitation seeing through. Somethings are acceptable, somethings are tolerable, but somethings just go beyond.
xinyuren:
You would divorce your wife over sajiao? Didn't you notice this behavior before you got married?
onceaknight:
Thanks for the reply, had I noticed this behavior previously there would have been no marriage. As in most marriages it is usually sometime later that behavioural issues come to light. Previously she was level headed, mature and showed integrity. And yes sure I would not hesitate to leave her if this type of action and matter continued, I would not allow someone to humiliate me in public when they cannot get what they want. It is childish behaviour. Like many others I have witnessed this on many street in China, usually men on the other end of the verbal and physical abuse, and they just stand and take it, not my life ways. I self-respect, my dignity and confidence, don't need someone stealing it. Humiliation is not a public appearance show.
Be more selective in your choice of women from the onset and then agree on some ground rules.
expatlife26:
Right on Bropther! that's why The Leader requires us to have all wechat conversations be group chats with a senior thought manager.
To make sure we don't speak out of turn or use profanity, but also to ensure we only date approved women.
