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Posts: 85

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Q: Criticisms/Suggestions vs Anger: Can your Chinese gf tell the difference?

I have been noticing that any time I give a suggestion for minor improvements or adjustments that my gf will first say "I'm sorry." and quickly follow with "Are you angry with me?" or "Don't be angry." It is usually some small suggestion that has nothing to do with anger, but it always gets construed as me being angry with her.

 

Maybe it is asking her to:

-add less oil to the food when she cooks (it'd taste better w/o it, be healthier, and would save a little bit of money)

-remember to put away stuff when she is done with it (or turn off electric appliances when not using them--lights, fans, AC)

 

Everything said that does not fall into category of "happy every day" defaults to "me mad--you bad" ... I'm not mad and don't think she's bad or doing anything significantly wrong, but that always seems to be how she receives minor criticism or suggestion. I'm trying to follow a policy of saying the truth and being open and honest about all matters, but when all these small things get perceived as me being angry with her, it becomes difficult for me to decide what is worth mentioning. Thoughts?

 

 

11 years 31 weeks ago in  Relationships - China

 
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Posts: 2186

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It really depends on the level of her English, (or your Chinese), the deeper understanding, the nuances of meaning, because the difference between suggestion, a tad miffed, mildly angry, angry, mad, mad as hell, are very fine and difficult to put over.

 

If she has that level of English a good old fashioned sit down, (I would suggest with a bottle of wine, if she has any tolerance for alcohol) and genuinely and patiently point out EXACTLY what you mean. However, be prepared for some answers you weren't expecting. Honesty works two ways.

 

If she doesn't have that level of English (or you of Chinese) it may well be worth ignoring those minor points until you both get to a stage where your language abilities meet.

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11 years 31 weeks ago
 
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There's a very thin line between constructive criticism and nagging.

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11 years 31 weeks ago
 
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My wife has very good English skills but she is unable to differentiate between suggestions, criticisms, observations and complaints. She views them all equally. Frustrating to say the least.

Hugh.G.Rection:

My wife is similar. Perhaps I wasn't clear, the level of English required to accurately differentiate between such subtle nuances is often the difference between Upper Advanced and Fluent.

11 years 31 weeks ago
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11 years 31 weeks ago
 
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  Me and my wife have a strange relationship. Very little really makes us mad, partly because we express ourselves very openly about how we feel. That could quite easily sound like an annoying AA couple saying "Well what i'm feeling now is regret that you didn't save me the last piece of chocolate cake, but i'm also feeling appreciation that you remembered to put the toilet seat down" but actually it's more like, "That was my fucking sandwich and you ate it you cock-burger-faced penis-frog. Go out and buy me another one or i'm going to cut off your bollocks." It's kind of like anything that mildly annoys us, or even angers us is an excuse to say whatever outlandish, outrageous, offensive, disgusting thing that comes to our mind. As a result any annoyances that might have built up become amusing or rediculous and are quickly forgotten. I guess this site works in kind of the same way.

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11 years 31 weeks ago
 
Posts: 416

Shifu

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i know what you mean about the "are you angry me"

 

ive been asked this question  lots of times and  wondering why i asked her and it ends up being sumfin silly that i didnt even notice.

 

and end up saying dont wory you did nothing wrong, but feels  silly to be asked this when i had no idea that she thought something was wrong

stan118:

it all comes down to body language and tones, my guess is she cant read a non chinese person just by listening to their tone or looking at the body language, smiles arent always smiles if you know what i mean

11 years 29 weeks ago
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11 years 31 weeks ago
 
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after 20 months i finally lost my patience, but not my temper. I just began to talk more clearly. a few students around me began saying 'relax' and 'calm down' over and over, while tugging my sleeve.

THAT pushed me over the edge and i FINALLY lost my temper. The look of shock almost made me laugh

GuilinRaf:

How about how oftentimes the boys, when scolded, will get one of the girls to "intercede" or "lawyer" for them?

Sometimes, when angry, my (university) students will ask me if I dont like them anymore. I have to explain that anger has nothing to do with like/hate.

10 years 37 weeks ago
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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
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I love my wife ..........  and yes there are times, ...I just don't get it.......  simple stuff, she has no clue about.......  I just sit and learn ...  her upbringing isn't mine and I am in her territory, ..so I learn........ mostly they are silly, and I will show her over the years, 'cause it takes her a year to believe any changes I suggest......  I like to make life simple, she likes to carry on with the same old same old  .........  I love to watch her struggle while I relax...... think they'd catch on quicker, but no ....   year after I bought a soft couch... she said no .... solid wood is good.... I have to kick her off my couch... to her solid wood chair ...

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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
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I can't even work out Australian women. There was never any hope of understanding the women in China...

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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
Posts: 24

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Those two things you listed, all basically housework/household related are problems that will persist with any couple in any culture. Does "don't leave your socks on the floor" sound familiar? All I can say is, if it really seriously bothers you, then persist. If you can let it go, i.e. accept the extra oil (maybe let it drain off or soak it up with a tissue) and shut the lights and TV off yourself, then just do it.

This also goes both ways. My GF used to always whine to me and saying that I was "wasting water" when I did the dishes or if I did laundry that I wasn't "doing it right". So I said, ok dear, either you allow me to do it my way, or you can do it yourself. I haven't done dishes or laundry in over six months and we are both much happier. She likes to control things and I would rather just let her than fight over it.

You have to choose your battles, and to know when to give in. Not all fights are worth fighting.

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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
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