The place to ask China-related questions!
Beijing Shanghai Guangzhou Shenzhen Chengdu Xi'an Hangzhou Qingdao Dalian Suzhou Nanjing More Cities>>

Categories

Close
Welcome to eChinacities Answers! Please or register if you wish to join conversations or ask questions relating to life in China. For help, click here.
X

Verify email

Your verification code has been sent to:

Didn`t receive your code? Resend code

By continuing you agree to eChinacities's Privacy Policy .

Sign up with Google Sign up with Facebook
Sign up with Email Already have an account? .
Posts: 759

Shifu

1
2
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

Q: Dowry/Bride Price

Went on a first date with a 28 year old. She made it clear she was "Very ready" to get serious with someone and get married. I get the impression that she is very ready to have a child too, but she didnt say as such, just an observation when she was interacting with her friends 5 year old son.

She mentioned keywords like "traditional chinese wedding" and that money would need to be paid to her family.

I thought at the time that this is quite odd talking about such topics "ON A FIRST DATE".  Heck, I just met her too.

MY questions are:  1) Is this normal (for China)?  2) Could she be trying to set me up in order to  scam/swindle me ?

9 years 1 week ago in  Culture - China

 
Highest Voted
Posts: 1439

Shifu

7
8
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

It's perfectly normal and she's not trying to "scam" you. Well actually she is, by the standards of human beings capable of emotions, but this is China.

Look, here's the deal, she's on a clock, and most probably if she doesn't find someone in 1-6 months chances are she's going to end up with her family's choice, which will be the most loaded guy they can find.

Now, honestly it's a full blown 5/5 warning of everything you should be running away from while dating in China, but your life, your choice.

For more information, just read every topic containing "MIL" you can find here, you'll see what's life like for those who say yes a little too fast.

MissA:

Yep, but if the OP strings her along for too long, even her family's 'worst choice' won't want her, she'll be "too old". She's obviously laid her cards on the table, here.

9 years 6 days ago
Report Abuse
Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Answers (15)
Comments (9)
Posts: 2855

Emperor

5
6
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

yes, it is normal.  People in PRC live on a timeline, and there is MASSIVE societal pressure on them to settle down and have a family as soon as they graduate university.  

Report Abuse
9 years 1 week ago
 
Posts: 2855

Emperor

2
0
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
2

yes, it is normal.  People in PRC live on a timeline, and there is MASSIVE societal pressure on them to settle down and have a family as soon as they graduate university.  

Report Abuse
9 years 1 week ago
 
Posts: 1845

Shifu

4
5
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

In China they treat young 28 year old women like they are old and infertile. She thinks that she only has 2 more years then she is too old to have a baby.

Report Abuse
9 years 1 week ago
 
1
2
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

In China, 28 years old is the very limit before being considered too old to marry for women and becoming a "leftover" (sorry that's how they call them).

If she doesn't get married before her late 28 or early 29 chances are she will become a social outcast, a "weirdo" and no local man will look at her anymore.

There are many women in this situation in China especially since they now build careers before building families, it would be considered normal back home but in China the traditions and dumb beliefs that come with it are strong.

Past 28 women are seen as old and infertile, so they don't marry for love, don't take time to find the right one, they marry because of social pressure and with the first OK guy they meet even if he reveals himself to be a complete jerk.

Those who then divorce are seen as even worse than leftover women, and no Chinese man will look at them. It's not like they have been pressured into marriage by masculine traditionalism in the first place.

No wonder in Chinese couples wife and husband don't touch each other, they don't love each other, they are not attracted to each other, they have been pressured to marry each other. So the husband goes to see his mistresses and the wife end up hating her life

I dated quite a few Chinese ladies before meeting my current girlfriend (who is the right one) and I seriously creeped out when they talked about marriage and making babies on the first or second date.

Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 1439

Shifu

7
8
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

It's perfectly normal and she's not trying to "scam" you. Well actually she is, by the standards of human beings capable of emotions, but this is China.

Look, here's the deal, she's on a clock, and most probably if she doesn't find someone in 1-6 months chances are she's going to end up with her family's choice, which will be the most loaded guy they can find.

Now, honestly it's a full blown 5/5 warning of everything you should be running away from while dating in China, but your life, your choice.

For more information, just read every topic containing "MIL" you can find here, you'll see what's life like for those who say yes a little too fast.

MissA:

Yep, but if the OP strings her along for too long, even her family's 'worst choice' won't want her, she'll be "too old". She's obviously laid her cards on the table, here.

9 years 6 days ago
Report Abuse
Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 3494

Emperor

0
1
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

The only price I've had to pay is committing to shave my chin before having to do the homework.  A price I was only too happy to pay.

 

Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 5321

Emperor

0
1
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

She needs a husband, the dowry etc etc is what you can expect if you go down that road, and if you don't think it's for you walk away now. I would.

Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 3256

Emperor

0
1
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

As the other said, she is likely to have strong pressures to get married and have kids, that's how society works in China. That does not make a her a bad person, but it makes the following things likely
* Pushy relatives
* She might not be able to have her own will for her life
* You will be "the foreigner one" that nobody will take seriously in her family

Just say'in, not all women are like this in China... She might want to rush it without agenda beyond getting married, but don't let yourself pushed around. Either plug-out if you don't want any hassle, or take your time to know her, and her family.

lafille:

you are probabaly wrong this time.well, i still think you are a quite knowledgeable person.

 

9 years 6 days ago
Report Abuse

silverbutton1:

While some of what you say may be valid, I doubt "not being taken seriously" as a foreigner would be asinine of them.  Im taken seriously as a professional at my job among many Chinese, and I come from a "better than average" family in the states. Actually, much better than average, but I wish not to appear "pompous".

9 years 6 days ago
Report Abuse

Eorthisio:

silverbutton1: I am also taken seriously but many are not as foreigners in China, it's about who you are and what you inspire. Chinese are very superficial people, they care mostly about the outside look/appearance of things, the substance is completely irrelevant. If they see/think that you are well-off or influent they will bend to you. Who you are as a person doesn't matter at all, only who you are in the social ladder. English teachers are laughed at, Factory Managers let people indifferent, Foreigners with real good guanxi are seen as living gods.

9 years 6 days ago
Report Abuse

silverbutton1:

<p><a href="http://answers.echinacities.com/user/361903">Eorthisio</a>:</p><p>I understand. Ya, Im sure they pow-wow together to bash "all those foreigners" from time to time to stroke their pseudo-egos. But I also think some/many of us do it as well to them. C'est la vie. &nbsp;In closing, all countries/cultures have their advantages and disadvantages.</p>

9 years 5 days ago
Report Abuse

DrMonkey:

<p>@silverbutton What I mean by <em>"not taken seriously"</em> : expect to be put in a corner and not much listened to on the basis of <em>"he is a foreigner, he knows nothing"</em>, despite a life experience that include living in different countries, some solid studies, and so on. Not true everywhere, not all families like that, yes.</p>

9 years 4 days ago
Report Abuse
Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 7178

Emperor

1
2
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

Its normal. In China a marriage is as much a business arrangement as it is about love.

She is at an age where having a boyfriend is important. If she cant find her own she might soon be recalled to her hometown where her parents will find one for her.

My MIL (and now my wife) are considered semi formal match makers.

Whatever you do, never agree to meet a girls parents if you do not intend to marry her. You wont be meeting her parents, you will bee meeting your future inlaws Smile

Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 3837

Emperor

2
3
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

@MissA's comment hits the nail on the head

your 1st date gf has been upfront with where she stands from a cultural perspective.

 

Scary? - yes it is on a 1st date to be confronted with this ultimatum, so it is up to you now, as your behavior will show what kind of man you are.

 

If you are not thinking of continuing this relationship in a serious way, move on.

Above all unambiguous honesty is called for on your part so she can make informed decisions whether or not to continue.

Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 4935

Emperor

1
0
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

It's normal for China, sadly.

 

However, do not offer a dowry. Make it clear that you will not pay for a wife. In my eyes, this is no better than human trafficking. If she declines to be with you, she doesn't love you, and only cares about YOUR money.

Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 9631

Emperor

0
1
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

Actually, that girl is not ready, she is being pushed by her parents because per standard Chinese stupid beliefs, when she turns 30 no one would EVER want her and the family would live in shame and not have some stupid fool supply them with cash for the remainder of their narrow minded lives. 

Scandinavian:

.... This is how Jeremy Clarkson would have answered 

9 years 6 days ago
Report Abuse

Cathyosullivan92:

I read that in Jeremy clarksons accent without thinking!

9 years 6 days ago
Report Abuse
Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 759

Shifu

0
1
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
1

Thanks folks for all of your opinions, comments, advise, rants, etc.  

Report Abuse
9 years 6 days ago
 
Posts: 9192

Emperor

0
0
You must be a registered user to vote!
You must be a registered user to vote!
0

Was the dowry 400Y? Maybe the dowry was for first date.

Report Abuse
9 years 5 days ago
 
Know the answer ?
Please or register to post answer.

Report Abuse

Security Code: * Enter the text diplayed in the box below
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <img> <br> <p> <u>
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • Textual smileys will be replaced with graphical ones.

More information about formatting options

Forward Question

Answer of the DayMORE >>
A:  "... through ..."?  Only "through" comes to mind is "S
A: "... through ..."?  Only "through" comes to mind is "Shenzhen agent can connect you with an employer, who's authorized to hire waigouren ... and can sponsor Z visa." It's not like every 10th person you meet in Shenzhen's hood can sponsor work visa ...  The only way to change from student to labourer visa is just a regular way by: 1. Finding an employer, who'll apply for an Invitation letter; 2. Exit China and apply for Z visa in your home country's Chinese embassy; 3. Enter China in 30-days after Z visa was stamped into your travelling instrument ...As I am aware, you won't be able to switch to Working permit by remaining in China....,so make ready for a return to your home .... -- icnif77