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Q: emotionally abused by my Chinese husband, what can i do?
Hi:
I'm a woman married with a Chinese man. I'm not a native English speaker (sorry for my bad English) and im having a terrible time here in China. I'm a teacher and i have a master degree in education, but i cant find any job. We get married a year ago in my country, but he start to hate my country people, i don't know why coz he don't want to tell me, so we decide to come to live in china 2 months ago. Here he is very different with me, he almost everyday say to me that im a useless person, because i cant speak Chinese, nor English. He can speak Spanish perfectly and always say to me he just learn everything he know about Spanish language in just two months, so he think im lazy and stupid. Im asking all the time for his help to find a place to study Chinese, but he think i cant study here, so he decide to become my teacher, but i don't feel good with that. But that is not the only problem. My husband is saying to me almost everyday that my family don't love me, and no one can really love me, because i had the terrible idea to tell him about i went to the psychiatrist and take antidepressant pills when i was a teenager. So now he hate my family because they was agree with that, and he think my family lie to him not telling it this before we get married. I never hide this to him, i just forget it and i say it to him when we was talking about the personal experiences we had as a teenager. A few days ago i ask him why he is doing this to me, but he think he is not doing nothing wrong, and he feel like a victim. He think im crazy and a liar. Now he hate everything i do, for example, if i do something to eat, he don't eat it,he just eat the things cooked by his mom, or if i take a cup of cold water, he say things like: you stupid Latin American people don't know nothing about health...I don't know what to do because now he is not talking to me for about 3 days. He is killing my self-steem, i cry almost every day and he laughs at me when im doing it. I have no friends here and i don't have anyone to talk...I know this must to stop, but i don't have enough money to come back home. He is not buying food for home, so im using my saved money and have no job...i ask him if he can lend me some money to come back, but he say no, obviously. What can i do now?
8 years 10 weeks ago in Relationships - China
Let's assume that you are real.
Coz it happens that people get confused when they were in a situation when they get abused by a loved one. And the thing is I don't think you are going to listen.
Let me just tell you this, he sounds like a horrible partner. Leave, if you can. Even if you were depressed and were on pills and cannot speak whatever languages or cannot find a job. It doesn't mean you do not deserve love. So leave the situation for at least 2 months, see what he does, and decide what to do next. By saying that, people don't really change.
However, I have chatted with some people who were almost divorced, I told them to just calm down and don't really end it when you are too emotional. They ended up fixed it. So you still should give your marriage some time just in case you didnt tell us the whole story.
Latin woman being abused by a Chinese Guy 
Bullshit 
coineineagh:
wait, you didn't smell the BS already when the guy learned Spanish in 2 months, and got a latina woman?
susanne:
prejudices...prejudices....prejudices Y despues se quejan si los chinos también son prejuiciosos, si ustedes son exactamente igual! Finalmente el cuarto mundo de donde vengo, terminó siendo mas humanista y abierto a las diferencias que el frio primer mundo desde donde la mayoría de ustedes viene...China aprendió super bien!
Trollololol.
Divorce him and start a traveling mariachi band! Ole!
susanne:
Not all latin american places have mariachis, and ole! is from spain....
Englteachted:
And where does the language you supposedly speak come from?
"they was agree with that"
"I know this must to stop"
"i had the terrible idea to tell him about i went to the psychiatrist"
Chinese grammar.
Scam? Troll? Wumao?
Who cares.
susanne:
Thanks, now i know chinese and spanish have similar grammar: Ellos estaban de acuerdo "they was agree with that" Yo se que esto debe parar "I know this must to stop" Yo tuve la terrible idea de contarle que fui al psiquiatra "i had the terrible idea to tell him about i went to the psychiatrist"
coineineagh:
Glad I could help. As for your man problem: Meet other guys. Chinese men may objectify women, but they will treat you nice as long as the relationship is just beginning. Meet them on Momo, Wechat or any street corner. Find one who is willing to pay for a 'mistress holiday' to your home country, then run away.
Troll - what God fearing Catholic Latino would have a name like Susanne ???
Let's assume that you are real.
Coz it happens that people get confused when they were in a situation when they get abused by a loved one. And the thing is I don't think you are going to listen.
Let me just tell you this, he sounds like a horrible partner. Leave, if you can. Even if you were depressed and were on pills and cannot speak whatever languages or cannot find a job. It doesn't mean you do not deserve love. So leave the situation for at least 2 months, see what he does, and decide what to do next. By saying that, people don't really change.
However, I have chatted with some people who were almost divorced, I told them to just calm down and don't really end it when you are too emotional. They ended up fixed it. So you still should give your marriage some time just in case you didnt tell us the whole story.
I dunno how everybody can be so quick to dismiss somebody asking for help.
It doesn't hurt us if this person is a troll and laughing it up at the gullible fools...but if this is somebody who feels stuck here in an abusive relationship it can really help to hear from others.
Basically it sounds like Susanne has already made up her mind that this relationship is bad and she needs to get out.
If she really feels that she can't get a job here she is probably wrong. Plenty of non-natives can find work in China legally. No reason to think there isn't a spanish school out there or even just working at an english kindergarten. You don't need to be a great native speaker to play games in english with little kids.
That's kind of the default russian girl pay-the-bills kinda job. I'm sure a spanish speaker can do it just as well. Once you have your own money coming in your options will open up pretty quickly.
Anyway, if Susanne feels isolated from her family the first thing to do is reach back out to them. Odds are they don't hate her and if she explains the reality of her situation they will probably take her side.
best of luck
expatlife26:
Look at kindergartens. Like I said a lot of them hire non native english teachers because really for a kindergarten it's not super important.
Tons of russians & other europeans do that and do very well for themselves and for their employers.
It is better if you have light skin and hair, if you are very dark it makes it harder to find work here.
"He can speak Spanish perfectly"
Typical Chinese thinking. Fail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
susanne:
La verdad no se como lo ha hecho el para aprender tan rapido español....quizas es la forma de aprender china...sin muchos valores pero muy eficiente
I'd also say - the first issue will be what city you're in! does it have a good expat crowd? Or, are you the only non-Chinese for miles around?
Moving to a different country for a partner is always contentious - it brings up problems the partner often doesn't realise - and your partner sounds like an arsehole!
Next - what skills do you have? What qualifications? Can you make them work for you here?
susanne:
Hi, im living in Nanking, in "the other side of the river". My bachelor is in philosophy. In my country im a teacher, but i can do any kind of decent job here. Plz. If someone can help me to find something that will be great.
Shining_brow:
Well, at least you picked one of the better cities to get stuck in! I always liked travelling up to Nanjing, and going past the wall there...
NanJing (now) has a couple of ok universities. Up the road in Suzhou is one of the international co-operation programs - XJTLU - which might be looking for Spanish speaking teachers. As well as JiangSu province has a couple of other potential cities as well - WuXi is about half an hour away and may also take you.
Then, of course, you have quite affluent cities in the surrounding provinces. Shanghai (which will be expensive if you don't have the cash up front - but may provide your best chance of a job), of course - or heading south, you have Hangzhou as the capital city of the richest province in China (so I've been told) - ZheJiang - which also has a number of cities which may take you. Ningbo also has a co-op program with University of Nottingham. Hangzhou has a couple of universities which do foreign languages - including Spanish.
If you head north, you'd get to HeFei - don't bother unless the others don't work out :P
And, heading west, you'd find WuHan - apparently a hole - but with money. and is really stinky hot in summer. It does have one of the top 5 universities in China.
Be aware - education is not valued in China as in most other countries (as you may have guessed by the responses about and below - behaviour is a consequence of education). University jobs tend to pay the lowest - usually around 5000, unless you get into an 'international' program - where a master's degree can get you up to 15000 (sometimes more).
Also - if you're here on a spouse visa, you're legally not allowed to work. So, you'll need to find a good paying job (5000 will actually be a liveable salary - if they give you accommodation. Factor in around 2-5000 per month on rent if you need it solo, or down to 500 per month if you share - obviously, this is if you decide to completely separate from the arsehole).
I also say - DO. NOT. FORGET! If he finds out you're making good money (no - don't tell him!!!) he could either a) get worse, and try to take your money, b) get much much better - because he wants to take your money. He has already shown what he thinks of YOU... any changes, therefore, will not be a reflection of how he sees YOU, but merely YOUR WORTH.
PS - I did my bachelors in philosophy as well :D (and a year of Spanish - but last time I went to speak to a Spanish-speaking person, I didn't even remember how to say 'thank you' :-...( took me about 20 mins to remember 'muchas gracias'
I am going to assume your story is real and give you the benefit of the doubt.
Some of us here have lived in China for more than a decade (myself included). During that period of time, I would say there was not one Chinese guy that I would consider "marrying" material for a woman outside of (and even mostly inside of) China.
Many Chinese men were either openly arrogant because they had money, drove an Audi and felt like all women were their toys. They had horrible habits (smoking and getting drunk consistently), poor manners, very insecure and envious. If they didn't have money or an Audi, many still acted this way in hoping that people would respect them because they acted like a pompous rich guy.
Then there is the other side. The ones that have decent manners, dress nicely and are somewhat kind but extremely feminine and act very meek. They are also quite insecure and a huge turn off to most women that want a partner that balances them out.
I have made a few Chinese male friends during that time but unfortunately, I wouldn't trust many of them beyond a chat, a favor and drink. I just find them extremely sneaky and underhanded because their of culture and lack of values in honesty and integrity... instead they have "face".
So, to be honest with you. I think you made a huge mistake by just getting married. But now that you have been married and it looks like you ran into a man from the former category... I suggest getting out as soon as possible. A insecure man will always need a punching bag... is that how you want to live your life?
susanne:
Thanks for your words. I have no idea about this is the way of the most of chinese man are. I think is just my husband. I will run ASAP coz im sure i dont wanna live in this way. Thanks again for belive me and respect my situation.
Drop this loser and avoid Chinese men altogether, all my Foreign friends who dated Chinese men ended up with a broken heart because of different expectations in a relationship. Beside few exceptions (one in a million) Chinese men have no heart, no feelings at all and near to zero consideration for their partner, the girl is more seen as a trophy to be shown around, a symbol of face and prestige, it's just disgusting how guys here don't even touch their wife ever anymore after she spawned a kid, like she is nothing more than an incubator and worthless after that.
Never mind increasingly more Chinese girls also choose to date and marry non-Chinese men.
susanne:
Poor chinese, is becoming a society without love...the only value here is money. Is so sad...im runing ASAP but, just need a job to get the money.
go home to your family, file a police report in home country for domestic violence and give it to the customs service in your country and the embassy of your country in china, so the bastard can never ever get a visa to your country again and then file for desertion or annulment depending on the country your from.
i' ve only met 2 decent chinese men that i would ever introduce to the ugliest lady i know in 6 years in china, i want even work for a school, any school unless the boss is female, may they all rot in the bottom pits of h*ll. i personally dont believe your story at all, latin men can be quite the cheating macho prick, but even a cartel killer playboy is better than a chinese man. a woman with a masters degree should know better.
susanne:
Thanks for your words. In my country i never meet people like this. Is sad to prejudce but for all the things i heard and personally live here, is like that prejudces of chinese man are becoming true. I have a master degree in education and im good in Paulo Freire Pedagogi of the opressed, but a master degree dont give you the skills to choose a better husband or friends...anyway im a kind of asperger...
