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Q: Has anyone mastered dealing with the self-defeatism of a Chinese spouse?
Seriously, I love my wife, but it's driving me nuts. We had a very tough year. Lost a baby that we moved back to have, I've been earning a mid-grade salary that can just barely support two people with a bit leftover and our immigration application was sent back because i accidentally sent it to the wrong office. No lies, it's been a tough year. But, in reality we've managed to support ourselves, leave our lives in China and pick up anew without financial trouble, just not financial abundance and things are starting to pick up work-wise big time for me.
Today I met with an immigration lawyer (I recommend this to ANYONE in my situation. For $200 the guy went through my application to make sure it was all solid and told me to improve a couple things) and he said we had a "very strong" application and should have no issues. So, I called my wife to tell her the good news and it was like she intentionally shut me down with "we'll see" and "I don't think this lawyer knows what he is talking about" (Yeah, cause a guy who has done literally THOUSANDS of these knows less than she does about it).
But it's the same with work stuff. I just notice the Chinese seem to be very good at making the most of what they have, but have no imagination to go for more. Obviously with many of the successful business owners in China that is not true, but for regular people it seems to be. An example is that I wanted to use the lawyer MONTHS ago. If I had spent the $200 months ago our application would have been sent to the right office and my wife would literally be four months away from working. She'll make more than minimum wage, which still pays like $80 a day, so that $200 is NOTHING compared to what she could have made in five months time that our application has now been delayed.
There seems to be a trend of saving what you have being more important than risking it to get more. That's a good philosophy to a point. Like I wouldn't bet my life savings on a long shot horse race, but not wanting to spend $200 on a lawyer to make sure immigration is done properly is a stretch.
I just don't understand why she can't show some enthusiasm and ambition sometimes.
I don't think it is just your wife. One thing I have noticed amongst most Chinese since being here is they generally have a very negative and pessimistic outlook on everything. Students here seem to convince themselves that they are doomed to fail exams and get panicked to the point of illness because of it. They believe that life has nothing for them when they graduate. They believe that most jobs are well beyond them so they don't bother even trying.
In business I deal with the same thing on a daily basis. No matter what suggestion you make, they write it off before even giving it a go. You give them a marketing plan to try and they just find the negatives and the reasons it won't work. Same with any other kind of new idea.
In life, they have no trust in anybody. They doubt everything that anybody says. They think the world is against them in every factor.
I could go on but there is no point. It truly is one aspect of working with the Chinese that gives me chronic depression!
nevermind:
Yeah, I think this is where the "saving" concept comes into play.
"I have this already, why risk it? I will just lose it."
I have seen only the opposite of what you say. Everybody that I have met seems extremely positive and always trying to improve their lives beyond what is "satisfactory". Perhaps it's just your wife that is negative. You cannot judge a whole race on one person. They are all different, and the only connection they have is that they are all Chinese.
nevermind:
Nope, I saw it with my coworkers all the time. I even had a few I liked who I set up with job interviews and such, but they never took the offer.
blaineholloway:
Well I don't know then. All I can tell you is what I know from my own experiences. I'm more negative than any Chinese person that I've met.
derek:
Blaine...in my seven years here I have witnessed Nevermind's account on a daily basis. I am not referring to the lose of the baby, (that truly is tragic and I feel for you and your wife, Nevermind)
The idea that nothing can be done, or we don't do it that way here, or we have never done it that way before are comments I hear way too often. I am speaking from my own wife's and her parent's perspective. It's an uphill battle daily.
crimochina:
derek nevermind: blaine is loke, noballs, old major. anyone who has spent a day in china knows that people here simply accept what is handed to them. very few chase their dreams. everyone goes for what is comfortable, stable or what is expected of them.
blaineholloway:
crimochina, there really is no need to be so rude. I've been here for about 100 days spread over 3 years, so more than 1 day, and I am just telling you what I see. Perhaps I hang out with more positive people than you. In fact, that may be what it is, all of my Chinese friends have studied abroad. They are very positive and always trying to improve their life.
