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Q: How to deal with nosy Chinese neighbors, in-laws and nannies who think I'm too lazy?
So, the in-laws are visiting. The nanny is here too. The nanny who gets free room and board, and all that jazz, mind you.
I just had to listen to a one-hour lecture from the nanny about how I'm being lazy, and how I shouldn't spend so much time on the computer. The in-laws sat there nodding and agreeing. "He spends too much time on the computer."
Now, mind you, I walk and/or jog to work every day, and work two jobs at two different locations. I also need to walk up and down over a dozen flights of stairs.
Nobody in this house understands that, when I come home from being a highly-energetic, non-obese white monkey who does marathon teaching (back to back with no day off), I want to rest and relax and look at funny pictures on the internet that make me laugh. Maybe I want to play a video game here and there, but everyone's constantly nagging at me to do something "useful," or to "exercise more."
What gives? Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you get out of it? I have to constantly explain to them that I'm tired after work, but the same stupid arguments come up day after day.
10 years 44 weeks ago in Family & Kids - Harbin
How about, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"? I have the same problem (minus the nanny - I am the ayi in my home). The mother-in-law (when she's here) can be counted on to be in her pajamas watching tv all day except when she needs to spend two hours in the kitchen preparing food that would take 10 minutes in a restaurant. Here's a solution: stand between the whiners and the TV, swing your arms wildly and attempt foot-sweeps on everyone. When they ask you WTF you're doing, tell 'em you're exercising. Take the wife off to the bedroom every half hour for some "intensive one-on-one" training. Scream loudly. Tell them that you're spending all your time online fighting for the virtue of the Chinese people against the foreign heathen.
How about, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you"? I have the same problem (minus the nanny - I am the ayi in my home). The mother-in-law (when she's here) can be counted on to be in her pajamas watching tv all day except when she needs to spend two hours in the kitchen preparing food that would take 10 minutes in a restaurant. Here's a solution: stand between the whiners and the TV, swing your arms wildly and attempt foot-sweeps on everyone. When they ask you WTF you're doing, tell 'em you're exercising. Take the wife off to the bedroom every half hour for some "intensive one-on-one" training. Scream loudly. Tell them that you're spending all your time online fighting for the virtue of the Chinese people against the foreign heathen.
Is it your house? If so, you don't need to justify yourself. It's none of their business. What you should do is show the nanny that you are the employer and can't let her step over you like that. For the in-laws, tell them that you like to relax when you are in your own house.
The Chinese have a very bad habit of criticising other people but get all sensitive when the roles are reversed
Scandinavian:
If you buy a home in China it becomes the property of the in laws per default. When we moved into our apartment (rental) it had a room referred to as "The Guest Room", this is now "Mother in laws Room", she lives about 10 mins away by taxi, yet there is a full wardrobe in there. The room has a dedicated bathroom/toilet, this has never been used by mother in law, she always uses the shower that is part of our bedroom.
they are just following their programing. they take nothing into account, because the "thought " is not theirs. it is just programming
Bring them back some baked cookies. Then they'll know you at least went to the supermarket. When you told them you went to teach they probably didn't have any evidence of that. Just bring back some baked cookies from the store! (
!
He he, I said: "bring"!
Scandinavian:
cookies from Chinese supermarkets suck, bake cookies would be the sound advice
Fire the nanny. Tell the in-laws they're next - if they don't get out of your face about how YOU choose to live YOUR life!
Only slightly more tactfully, ask them if they would like your opinions about what they do 'wrong'?
In between the two, just tell them off anyway 
Uh, start by firing the nanny.
And, one thing I've discovered about Chinese families is when they say you're "lazy" what it means is "You aren't working hard enough so that we don't have to work."
So screw them.
Scandinavian:
they cannot work, they are old, they have done all they could = had a kid
Scandinavian:
well you can probably word it differently but the society as a whole does not like doing what you can make someone else do.
Hulk:
The in-laws are something else, but they've never ever been lazy.
Remember Different = Bad
also, our apartment has doors that can be closed, my computer is behind one suck door, some family members appear to not be able to know when doors are closed, then the locks + some music such as Depeche Mode's Enjoy The Silence, at a volume where knocking cannot be heard, does the trick.
First of all, you DON'T have to make excuses for your behavior in YOUR home,etc. Second, get rid of the nanny. Third, tell the NOSEY twits to shut up and mind their own business! MAN UP! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!! :( YOU ARE THE MAN IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!! The Chinese will try to get over ANY way that they can!!!!! They will always gang on a lone foreigner!!!! They will ALWAYS talk rudely and disrespectfully..especially the WACKED FEMALES..about foreign people!!!!! GET A BUNCH OF FOREIGN GUYS TOGETHER..INVITE THEM TO YOUR HOME AND TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS!!!!! IT IS DISRESPECTFUL THAT THOSE BIDDIES ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU THAT WAY AND IN YOUR OWN HOME!!!!!!!!! :(
Kicking the nanny out tomorrow, and the in-laws are back in Hunan. (long story, but they ended up paying ME a dowry and everything's fine now). I neglected to mention the nanny's grandson pounds as hard as he can (it's frigging loud) on the door screaming "sister! sister!" when my wife is sound asleep (she's pregnant and needs a lot of rest), and then it takes like 5-10 minutes for the nanny to stop him. He keeps coming back and doing it constantly.
No privacy, snide insinuations, butting into my life, kid blasting his annoying kindergarten music at full blast, "but this is China!", etc... this nanny experiment was a grand failure. I tried to eat in the bedroom today, and she tried her damn hardest to make me eat at the table. I don't want to be bothered when I come back from work. I want to spend time with my wife and not listen to some kid screaming his head off. Not my kid, so I can't spank him when he misbehaves. I can only hope his idiotic grandmother does something, which she almost always fails to do.
Scandinavian:
perhaps a nanny with "attachments" should be avoided.
Hulk:
Not my idea. My wife brought them in because she's so kind-hearted. 
She ended up getting pissed at me for not wanting her grandson to bother me after work (I like to relax), but she went nuts on me. Now she's gone. Finally! Peace of mind!
I have somewhat of the same problem, when ever I have a free min. I could be holding another job while the wife watches her shows or plays with her smartphone. When it gets to bad, I do this, go f**k yourself to her and her family in Chinese, works out ok, a 30 min. fight and a month of piece and quiet. That being said, Robotic is right, it does amaze me that some Chinese women can say anything and everything and expect you to not respond, just listen, when you finally blow your top, they act surprised. Good thing is her parents always say that they like me because I have a free mind. Seems like you figured out your problem but I wanted to put my own two cents in.
Hulk:
My wife is actually very understanding, and lets me do anything I want -- short of sleeping with another woman (don't want to do that anyway). We had a few rough patches in the beginning, but she understands now.
The in-laws understand now.
The nanny still doesn't.
Hang in... your inlaws are visiting and nobody's been attacked with scissors/carving knife/axe yet? I'm calling that a win!
Look, the question here is "who pays the rent and keeps food on the table?" Oh, you do? F@#kem then, they have no place getting involved in you and you partner's domestic setup..
Hulk:
I've always respected her father, even when we got in the fight. He's never hit me up for money (he's terrified of his wife, lol), it's always been the mother. Her biggest fear was that I would never bring her to America, and was only using her daughter... and that I had a wife and kids back home (gossippers helped screw this one up).
I've never had, nor will I probably ever respect her brother. What a pucking slimeball.
There may have been many misunderstandings in the heat of the moment... but I wasn't standing around to clarify. Too risky/dangerous; I'd give up my life for my wife and baby if I had to.
Her mother demanded a copy of my U.S. student ID card and passport so she could try and figure out the truth. She took it to an official who basically told her to butt out, and that she has no choice but to accept our marriage as genuine. He confirmed all of my documents, and she began feeling like a giant idiot.
So, over the past several months, the MIL has been slowly apologizing, and warming up to me. She started calling me "the good son," she brought over lots of food stuffs for her daughter, etc. She said she never wanted to hurt anyone, she just wanted to make sure I wasn't cheating anyone (what an odd way to show it...). Before my wife left China (she's in America now, and she's loving it!), we paid to bring the in-laws up here to visit.
They cooked some amazing food as always, we took them shopping, bought them both some clothes, two nice smartphones, etc. Her dad was as friendly as always, and we've always gotten along.
And then a miracle happened... they gave us all their money. No, really. Her mother and father had 3000 RMB left, and they gave us 2000 of that. Her brother saved up a grand total of about 1000 RMB, and gave that to us as well.
Now I'm looking to fulfilling a promise I made to them long ago... to bring them to America when/if possible, and/or buy them a house and car in China. I realize the house will eventually go to her brother due to family inheritance thingmabobberies, but I will probably never support his application to visit the U.S.
It's been a really happy month, even if I ended up having a nuclear hulkdown in Beijing after my wife left this morning...
Threaten to throw their mooching, unwashed filthy asses out of the house. That'll straighten 'em out.
I have another problem. My husband takes care of his whole family. I understand the parents but his 30 something year old sister with a kid that was divorced twice already- she's pretty much an awful person and a full on pig- the state the upstairs bathroom was in was just shocking even grime on the walls. She has bad skin . Gee , I wonder why? I think she should get her own place.
The biggest problem is that they tell her daughter not to eat a lot of she will be fat. She is four years old!! She isn't a doll. It's just shocking . She's way too thin and sick a lot. I really don't know what to do. His parents are complete nongs. They don't even wash her very often and her mother spends little or no time with her.
