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Q: How do I make my girlfriend's parents like me?
I am going to visit my girlfriend's parents for the first time this holiday. They live in Hunan.
What can I do to make them like me more? Especially her dad, because he is really not happy that his daughter is dating a foreigner!
Buy them off.
Mateusz:
In other words, the standard way of making people like you in China.
Get T-shirt with popular Chinese leader in front
.
All writings on the T-shirt should be in Chinese characters!
Gifts. Maybe a box of chocolates for mom and some foreign booze for dad. But don't make it a habit or they will start making regular "special requests".
Everyone is sounding pretty negative but they are pretty much correct on all levels. Your girl is from Hunan which is the official shittiest place is China. Its poor and the girls and pretty much everyone else are a bunch of gold diggers. Im not saying your girl is, but im kinda saying it. And even if she isnt , some people around her definatly are.
Can i make a guess? Your from Guangdong?? And you found a Hunan girl and need to go home to visit?? The best advice i can give you is just stop caring. Once you go to her farmer town and meet them in person you wont give a shit if he likes you. He will accept it because your a foreigner so you can provide security. Just play the dumb laowai card for everything else.
Saying that you are serious in your intent to eventually marry the girl, intimating that you have the required funds to support her (and by proxy, her entire family) to the level that they would like to become accustomed to, and basically avoiding any of the lothario stereotypes that her parents have come to know westerners are famous for through viewing their unbiased and balanced news and media.
Buying them nice (expensive) gifts will definitely help. Also, your answers to the many highly personal questions that they will likely ask you will be important too. Be prepared to be quizzed about your salary, whether you own a home or plan to buy one soon, same goes for a car, your parents' occupations, whether or not they own a home, if yes how old is their home, how many square meters is their home, your intentions with their daughter and why you would come to China as a westerner (a lot of Chinese are suspicious of any westerner who comes here because they believe life in west is categorically better). Being polite and respectful will help too but mostly they will want to know that you are financially secure and serious about marrying their daughter.
I was terrified of my future in laws when I first met them but they have warmed up to me a lot even to the point where they don't really care whether I will buy a home in China because they know that I am responsible, hard working and take care of their daughter. Well.... and the fact that my income has increased significantly since I first met them puts them at ease too (so I COULD buy a house and a car if I wanted to). When I buy them gifts, the father in law will ask me how much I spent on the gifts. The more the better. Unless it's something he would know the price of (like baijiu), I just lie and say it was more expensive to make him feel better. When I meet random relatives, they will always want to know my salary and other questions like how much money will my parents give us when we marry. This is China. It's all about the $.
mike695ca:
Yikes, i feel bad for you man! My womans family has never asked and dont know and we are already married. Once my FIL aquaintance asked my salary and he gave the guy shit for asking me. Also as a rule of thumb anyone that feels the need to put in brackets that they COULD buy a house and car quite obviously cannot. Or else they would have.
dongbeiren:
Mike, your assumption that anyone who is able to buy a house and a car would is presumptuous, arrogant, and surprisingly Chinese. My reasons for not purchasing a house in China at this present moment are purely financial - the market has just begun going down and I believe that this selling will lead to more selling as people who have loaded up on real estate over the years will get cold feet and unload their investments while they can still enjoy a healthy profit. Could I be wrong? Of course. Believe me, if prices in my city fell by 20 percent I would buy faster than you could type another arrogant or condescending post about having a car and drinking mojitos. I think there are many better investments right now than urban Chinese real estate and I choose to keep my money there (precious metals, emerging market stocks, and others). I find the Chinese connection between marriage and home ownership to be illogical and rooted in fear. As for a owning a car, I am a practitioner of defensive driving and the driving here simply terrifies me to the point where I don't think I could do it. I would only buy a car if I was willing and able to employ a full time driver. So feel free to make a haughty remark about my lack of a personal driver. If you're really interested in my personal financial situation feel free to PM me but I doubt anyone else on this forum cares so I"ve already said more than enough. I'm not sure why you constantly feel the need to belittle people on this forum but my guess is that it's rooted in some sort of inadequacy complex. You have a half pat job in a factory somewhere on the border of a city, good for you Mike! You have a car, good for you Mike! You go to five star hotels, good for you Mike! I spent 500 kuai on dinner last night and I doubt anyone cares so I didn't post it online. China is full of well to do expats who have better things to do than talk down to strangers on forums in order to compensate for their own shortcomings.
Sinobear:
Guys, this is why you should employ brevity. Be succinct...stick to the point and avoid heavy personal diatribe unless you're me.
mike695ca:
You do realise that in the exact same post here where you called me arrogent and mentioned my car 5 times you also put, in brackets and capitals, that you can buy a house and a car. I wonder why you would use that example? I mean that makes you look pretty arrogent and insecure yourself. Your making a point to specifically let everyone in the forum know this. So how you can try to differentiate yourself from me is quite curious. Well there is one difference, i actually go out and get the shit i talk about where as you just tell everyone you could if you wanted to. We can get in a pissing contest if you want but we arent on the same level man, anyine who thinks a 500 kuai dinner is a treat and something to bring up??? Yeah , not quite there buddy.
dongbeiren:
Mike, your spelling and grammar are atrocious so I'm glad you got out of teaching. The reasoning I used when I said I could buy a house and a car if I wanted to was identical to the reasoning you used in a recent post about why Chinese find security in marrying foreigners. You said foreigners get a pass because their salaries are usually high enough to have those things if they want. The real difference between us is that your bragging is unsolicited and my remarks were in response to your presumptuous post. You're the one who always mentions having a car and you use that boring fact to announce that you're higher than others on the food chain. No pissing contest please, your income and lifestyle are irrelevant to me. What fascinates me is your psychological motivation to inject remarks into almost everything you post to justify yourself and put others down. Most truly successful people I know are too busy enjoying their lives and managing their money to make incessant petty self-aggrandizing remarks online. Please learn the difference between your and you're buddy. And there's no e in arrogant.
mike695ca:
Thanks man, for someone who reads all my posts you should probably know that i take all attacks on my english as a sure sign of you giving up, so ill take the victory if you have nothing of value to add. I thinks its pretty awsome that you are trying to pass off your lying about wealth as having anything to do with my post. "they don't really care whether I will buy a home in China because they know that I am responsible, hard working and take care of their daughter. " ( this makes sense. Sounds good!) "Well.... and the fact that my income has increased significantly since I first met them puts them at ease too (so I COULD buy a house and a car if I wanted to). " what does this have to do with my post?? I had said chinese assume we are all rich, im sure fellow readers didnt need that information. It stinks of someone over compensating. Not only is it not true, its completely unnecessary. But thats cool man, you do you. Just dont expect us to aslways shut up when your treating everyone like they are stupid. People dont respond well to that.
dongbeiren:
Well Mike, I'm not sure if there's any use continuing this but you amuse me so I will. I never lied about wealth or even revealed anything substantial about it. Being able to buy a house in most parts of China does not make one wealthy. Now if I had said buy without a mortgage that would be unnecessary, irrelevant to my op and stink of overcompensating. The one sentence from my op that you keep latching onto was directly related to my point about meeting the parents, The point being that parents care most about financial security. You are the one who wants to seek out a pissing contest anywhere you go. You also repeatedly refuse to address the issue of your bizarre obsession with talking yourself up and talking others down. Why, Mike? Were you poor your whole life until recently and still feel insecure about it? Did the cool kids bully you in high school? Is it problems in the bedroom? Narcissistic personality disorder? And your point that I'm treating everyone else like they're stupid was incoherent. I don't even think you're stupid, I think you're petty and amusing. And for Pete's sake your written communication skills are awful though you're right that it is tangential to our dispute. But seriously man it's hard to believe you have a serious professional job.
mike695ca:
I will concede that point. You are right. Being able to buy a shack in your farmer town and being able to buy a QQ does not make you wealthy. But it also doesnt warrant capitalizations or even worth mentioning. But if your proud of that. Good for you. Enjoy your QQ. To answer your questions. Kinda poor i guess untill i could work, then i made my own money. Which is why ive always been richer than you. If your wondering why, its the "work" part. Which is something only I do. Im pretty sure cool kids wanted to bully me but ive always been rather big and quite good at punching people in the face so we will never know I guess. Certainly problems in the bedroom. But hot girls keep wanting me to practice with em so i guess im improving. As for my personality disorder. Me and my voices arent quite sure. The only thing we seem to agree on is that shrinks are for sissys and hipster fucks. As for my incoherent part about you treating us like we are stupid, let me help you with that. You see , firstly, we all know your a university teacher, and we arent dumb we have a pretty good idea of what you make. Even if your are in the top 1% of the pay scale lile you and others always claim to be. You cant even claim to make so much as you have recently mentioned that you " know" others that make 30K like its a big deal. Thus eliminating yourself from that group. Also its your flip flopping between questions that lead me to believe you think we are stupid with the memory of a goldfish. http://answers.echinacities.com/question/it-really-worth-living-and-working-teacher-china#answer234004 You see, in your first reply to me up above you had clearly stated you are terrified if driving and have no intention of buying a car. Yet in the link provided which was only about a week ago mind you, you clearly said you had spent the last year saving for a car. May i ask what happened in the last week or so to terrify you so much that you have saved all year for nothing?? Or did the OP just change?? Did this particular post make you uncomfortable so you felt the need to come off as a big shot?? Its laughable that here your all like ( I could buy a house and a car , COULD people, COULD) i trade in commodities and shit because its good for my portfolio. Hahaha. But a week ago your some humble dude that has been here for 3 years and your still trying to see if its gonna work out or not. At least I am a consistant narcissistic asshole.
dongbeiren:
Mike, this post is surprisingly well researched and analytical compared to your past posts. Perhaps I underestimated you. Yes, I am employed by a university ( medical school specifically) and no, I don't teach oral English. I also work as an educational consultant for study abroad students and teach a few hours of English per week ( all fully legal visa wise in case you were wondering). I did not spend the last year saving for a car, I saved enough in the last year to buy a car (and I mean a decent new car, no qq but not as nice as your Cadillac big shot ) and I live in a tier 2 city, not a farmer town. And I was far from broke when I arrived in China. Again, I never wanted to get in a pissing contest or reveal so much personal info. but it seems your line of argumentation always leads to that. If you are who you say you are then yes, you're likely richer than me, congrats. But I know you were teaching English as recently as a few years ago so I doubt you're very rich. But no one cares about any of this, I just felt the need to clarify some details. And I basically am some humble dude who has been here three years trying to make it work out. Over that time, I have improved my situation here significantly just as it sounds like you have done well for yourself climbing the ladder and I fully respect that. Your blog on moving from esl to corporate training to a corporate job was interesting and I might even take aspects of your advice. My problem with you is the way you talk to other people on this forum, not your level of professional success. If you don't believe in shrinks, this forum probably is a positive outlet for you to let out your issues. So I hope you've enjoyed ripping into me for what you believe to be my lies about my finances because I have sure enjoyed ripping into you for being a jerk.
Grow up and look at this the right way. You don't try to 'make someone like you' . This isn't 3rd grade. Be yourself, small inexpensive gifts only. Let him know what your intentions are with his daughter. In the end if he wants 'sell her' or act as if you are not good enough tell him thanks for the hospitality and let him and her know you will find another girl with a better and more accepting family. There are over 700 million women in China, tons that are simply rejected because they are over 30, divorced or educated. Why the fuck are people so afraid to let one go?
PS The dad is acting like he doesn't want her to be with a foreigner so he can drive up the asking price. If you bow to him now and try to buy him off you will be paying for it for the rest of the marriage and your life will be a living hell.
humbug:
"Why the fuck are people so afraid to let one go?"
I don't know... love? Genuine affection? He doesn't want the other 700 million girls in China- he wants that one.
Englteachted:
If you think love is all you need to make a marriage then boy, you must be 12.
Remember that introducing you to her parents basically means your going to get married at some point. If you're not seriously considering getting married, don't bother going.
In terms of making them like you. Get married at some point. If you do that, her father will know you're serious. If you're thinking “It's too early for that, I'm not even sure I want to marry her ever." then that's why her father doesn't like you. There's not much you will be able to do during this holiday to convince her father otherwise I'm afraid. Small gifts and being nice to them is about all you can do. Other than convince them you're serious about the relationship.
joshua73:
I would one day like to get married, but for me personally it is too soon to get engaged or anything like that. I will show her parents that I am serious, that is the only thing I can do I suppose!
Unless I want 'another one of the 700 million'... Which I don't 
Sinobear:
The weird cat is right about the meeting part (although he's been so wrong about so much concerning astrophysics, especially dark matter, but hey! He's a cat and like all cats, you can't trust them).
Stiggs:
Yep, they're right. When people go to meet the parents it's like announcing they have found the partner they're going to marry. It's a big deal.
I don't know your girlfriend's situation but if she comes from a traditional family, or if you'll be going to the village and all the neighbors will know about you visiting, it's a huge thing for her family. If later you don't get married there would be a massive loss of face for the family. To you or I that wouldn't mean much but to a traditional Chinese family it's everything.
I'm not trying to lecture you or anything like that but it might be worth your while making sure you and her are on the same page regarding your relationship before you go.
Englteachted:
Meeting the parents means your going to be engaged. Do you talk to your GF? Did you tell her it is too soon to think about this?
Her dad probably has heard a lot of stereotypes about foreigners that aren't very good; that they're unreliable and unfaithful for a start. It's unfair, I know, but you have to convince them that you are a good boyfriend, and not just a player who's here to sleep with as many Chinese girls as possible.
Also, gifts can't hurt.
mArtiAn:
Absolutely true, but hey, if it doesn't work out, just get back out there and sleep with as many Chinese girls as you can.
My DIL was pretty easy to win over. First night in China, we had a few brewskies and watched some sportsball on TV while talking about my intentions with his daughter. I believe we brought him a box of (last minute, 'hey do we need to bring your dad something' chocolate from the airport)
This is also a Hunan guy, but a VERY outgoing person. He studied abroad, read international news, spoke a decent English. (was even able to say he had a Japanese car because he like their reliability)
My FIL doesn't like anyone, and treats everyone around him like shit, including his wife and daughter.
In the beginning I seemed to be able to win him over, but nope 180 degree turn back to asshole. When I visit, I still bring some small gifts, but I refuse all his inane requests, and I've stopped answering his invasive questions.
if your not going to marry the girl, dont visit, the loss of face will mean she will never bring another man home and she will have to spend every spring festival alone for the rest of her life. this happens a lot i visited a lady's parents for spring festival that i did not marry, she still does not go home even though she married another british foreigner,
if your intentions are to marry, bring a small gift and then check out what they have, my friend bought the parents a refrigerator, with markets everywhere, they never had one and would not want to spend the money for the electricity. he had a refrigerator delivered to the house, after using the refrigerator for a dish shelf for 3 years, they finally starting using it after he married their daughter. strange country.
get ready for a roller coaster ride of hate like relationship
Like many other posters, can you update on what you decided to do?
or will we all have to wait for the annual round-up of stories at the end of the year?
Stiggs:
Oops, my bad. That down thumb was supposed to be an up thumb.
Hi all,
Don't worry Sorrel, I was planning on updating you as soon as I got back from my trip.
You all really put me off going, and I was terrified, but in reality, it was all completely fine. I get the difference in commitment between China and the West, and she gets the difference too because we have talked about it and we are in a committed relationship. I do not just 'want to find another one', because this is the girl I fell for. And no, that is not me being 12 years old, that is me being happy.
I had a great trip. Even though my Chinese is not that good I had fun with my girlfriends' father and grandfather (and a bunch of uncles) as they tried to get me drunk on baijiu the entire week. It was good bonding and character/liver building.
My girlfriend also seemed extremely happy that I took the time to come to meet her parents. Her mother was nice, I helped her fix some things around the house and I think that showed her that I am not a loser and helpful, and serious about her daughter. I also cooked for them which they really loved (even though I'm pretty sure the food was not something they enjoyed) as it showed them I could and would take care of their daughter.
I brought them a few presents too, mainly some imported foods from my country that I then (with girlfriends' translation) explained what they were, etc.
I have started Chinese classes so that next time we go to see them I can communicate more with them.
Thanks for (some of your) constructive comments and support!
J
Burak43:
I'm glad you had a nice trip and that her family seem like nice reasonable people, you never know who you might end up getting.
