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Q: How do you respond when Chinese chat up/ hit on you in the public ?
Does it happen quite often to you that Chinese strangers chat up/ hit on you in the public ?
Except those who want to make business,
let's say they are just normal people who are curious about you or try to make friendships.
What do you think?
How do you feel?
How do you respond to them?
Look forward to hear your experiences.
If someone 'chats you up' or 'hits on you' that means they are interested in you as a boyfriend/girlfriend/sex partner. Which is quite different from being curious about you or trying to make friendships.
Haha, just kidding. Everyone who talks to me wants to sex me up.
So in answer to your question: I'm delighted if that person is gorgeous and female.
I've never managed to maintain a friendship with a Chinese boy/man. It's very rare that they are interested in anything beyond telling their friends they befriended a laowai.
The most long-lasting of my female Chinese friends is someone who approached me on the street as mentioned in the topic. I maintain friendships with a few Chinese girls (traveling, hanging out in cafes, even playing board games...), but there always seems to be a lingering expectation...
My best friend is a married Korean woman. She's interesting, likes conversations and is not waiting for something to happen, so our relationship is stable.
Regarding random people approaching me in public - I don't mind it at all. I'm polite and accommodating, and it usually doesn't go anywhere.
Chinese are not interested in who I am, but in what I represent. I'm a foreigner; I get paid to be a foreign face, but I have no patience for such interactions outside of work. Once my finances and marital situation are known, interest dies out completely. Example: My girlfriend-became wife was made into the bridesmaid at a wedding we attended when we first met. Once it was clear I wasn't rich, the happy couple reduced contact, and now there is compete silence. They haven't even spoken to my wife in months.
Chinese don't just make friends to share interests and enjoy eachothers company; there's always an ulterior motive. Some women and occasionally men are friendly to me on the streets, but my own needs are incompatible with theirs now. I'm not marriage material anymore, I don't want to get financialy involved, and I'm not interested in being the topic of conversation for a bunch of misinformed, pigheaded, xenophobic, rude a-holes. I even hand-drew a note in Chine saying "staring is rude", which I whip out of my wallet whenever the stares get too intrusive.
My half-Chinese son gets a lot of interest, but we're cautious of complete strangers who expect they can pick up and carry my child like a toy. I shudder to think what it'll be like when my daughter is born; I don't want her to attract interest from parents of young boys who want to 'arrange a deal' or something.
xinyuren:
This is my experience almost exactly, but I've made some good friends among my wife's clients. I have to constantly remind people not to touch my daughter. I know exactly what the taxi driver will say to me even before I step into the car. That's a good tip about the note. I will use that.
expatlife26:
Hey coineineagh...you mentioned your wife doesn't like your talking to other expats. Why do you think that is?
I mean other than talking to expat women, which I can understand making her insecure, other expats can mean good networking and opportunities for you.
What does she think is going to happen if you make a lot of expat friends?
expatlife26:
Because foreigners must admit we are still a dangerous, savage child-race.
coineineagh:
or it could be all the tail wagging around on the streets gagging to be chased...
Im not nearly as jaded as the 2 above posters. They both seem to have sad and lonely lives. Living in shenzhen people seem to be less interested in foreigners which is great with me.
I dont really feel comfortable when parents force their kids to interact with me but unless im in a bad mood ill indulge them. It sure isnt the poor kids fault and i generally like kids so i dont really mind.
If people aproach me in a polite manner, i dont mind to chat. If i think they just want to show off their english or practice i will only use chinese. Geberally i have no interest in meeting new friends. I have enough on my plate so if people ask for further contact ill either refuse or give my qq which i never use.
coineineagh:
"Im not nearly as jaded as the 2 above posters. They both seem to have sad and lonely lives." well, China is a sad and lonely place unless you have money (male) or beauty (female). perhaps you're convincing yourself that the positive interactions you have are because you're such a swell guy, not because you're loaded? why don't you make another insult about how we salivate over bbq and eat 5 kuai noodles? your perpetual personal attacks demonstrate exactly who's sad and lonely here... the more you have a go at users, the more it's likely to come back to bite you.
mike695ca:
Jeez sensitive are we? If you dont think your post made you seem sad and lonely then your not looking at yourself. Perhaps you need a new mirror. For you to spend this long here and have no one but your wife is sad. I didnt mean it as a dick. I actually feel sympathetic. Perhaps im lucky but ive had the same friends for over 5 years. Its not because im loaded. Theyre all the same social status. Some even in the bmw audi group. Ive never met a single co worker of theirs. Never been paraded around. In fact they are my friends because they arent farmers. Thanks for your concern, but nothing can come and bite me. Im loaded and have a near perfect life here, which is exactly why im not jaded like you. Just some quick advice from a self made happy man to an extremely unhappy one. Ive met many people like you. Perhaps an atitude reajustment would do wonders for you in many aspects in life.
mike695ca:
your perpetual personal attacks demonstrate exactly who's sad and lonely here.. You do realize that repeating the perceived insult is the 2nd lowest form of an echinacities retort right after calling me a wumao. Im not sad and lonely YOUR sad and lonely! Its a very common reply when people dont have anything to say. Just sayin....
xinyuren:
err, Mike, he's not being sensitive. You just insulted him with a generalized, judgmental statement. Maybe you need to insult others to make yourself look good. Or maybe you need a little more empathy for others who are in a different situation than you. Either way, you were being a dick.
coineineagh:
I've been itching to move to the city for ages, but my county-bound wife is paranoid about the girls there, and mistrustful of other expats. I believe that interaction with expats could be an advantage in life, but my wife (despite her traditional self-serving attitude) finds it hard to believe. One German guy I met is giving me great advice about freelancing. Excluding trips to Chengdu, I've encountered about 10 other foreigners in the 2 years I lived here. Since they often move away, we don't keep in touch regularly. I have a good reason to seek stimulating discussions online, and rant about all the 'traditionalism', because I'm *literally* in a social isolation. Mike, if you're living in a big coastal city, with so many great friends, why are you picking fights on eChinaCities so often? Have a stimulating chat with your friends instead.
Shining_brow:
@Mike - what Xin said!!! There are those (including myself) who do not crave the attentions of friends 24/7... I rarely contact my closest friends (a few emails a year, maybe a phonecall or 2), and I have no contact with my family (barring an email from my mother about twice a year). Does that make me "sad and lonely"? Or, does it make me a different person to you? Does my life warrant an insult from you, or you from me?
So, yeah, you were being a dick!
mike695ca:
@shining yes that makes you extremely sad and lonely. I think you forget that we read and remember your other posts........
Samsara:
OK, Wow...
Samsara thinks most of his female friends want more.
VERDICT: Jaded, sad and lonely.
Coineineagh is realistic about how Chinese people perceive him.
VERDICT: Jaded, sad and lonely.
Mateusz claims that China isn't socialist.
VERDICT: Giant piece of shit.
Is something troubling you, mike?
mike695ca:
Omg why is it so damn hard for people to be honest with themselves? I am. Im a huge asshole. Everyone knows it. I know it. Im working on it. But its hard. @sam your honestly gonna say that your not jaded? After the numerous posts you have written ??? That is some convoluted shit right there. @shining... Just a few damn days ago he made a post about needing people to talk to ( im being as tasteful as i can here) Yet mention lonelyness. And wow i am way out of line. At least @coin owned it in the end. Hes isolated and in a shitty place and wants more but his family situation impedes on that. I did not mean sad to be a negative term. If that was the word that set you guys off then i apologize but its the right word here. Not in a your pathetic way. As in i feel sad that people can be in china and be so damn lonely. But foreverone of you and some of you are some of the most well known chona bashers here. To deny that you are jaded.. Thats pretty silly. Lastly mateusz is a giant piece of shit. I hate that guy hes the only one here i dont just disagree with but truly dispise. I stand by that no matter how ignorant i look.
Samsara:
I am jaded. I'm not lonely. I'm sometimes sad about the vast and unassailable forces that prevent China from being better, but not about myself.
And China isn't socialist.
expatlife26:
I just demand a little respect for my time. If i'm in the mood to chat at an appropriate venue like a networking event. Absolutely i'm up for it and i'm happy to be patient if someone doesn't speak perfect english IF they have something to say.
But even in Shanghai we still get some people who just don't get it and throw all good taste and social convention out the window to ask a white guy wearing a suit and headphones intrusive questions. I don't owe them my time.
Also for the record I don't accept the player's club card from anyone bragging about all their success with local women. Nothing wrong with finding somebody you love here or anywhere else in the world, but I think it's pretty tacky to try and brag about local sexual exploits, because frankly any young white man can do it because of demographics alone, it's more a knock if you can't than an accomplishment if you can.
I'm not a player by nature, I've had 3 committed relationships, though none with a Chinese girl, in the 5 years i've been here so don't take this as me bragging about how all the girls I sleep with; but you want something to brag about start taking home or dating some of those sexy Brazilian girls or the Eastern Euro students/part time models (or god forbid just a pretty girl from your own country!) Ones that aren't impressed by just being white.
Hmmm...
Actually, I do like to chat with them. Males or females as it takes a lot of courage in my smaller city for a Chinese to approach and actually try to talk to a foreigner. If they try to speak to me in Chinese or English, that's cool. Most of them try to speak to me in Chinese because they can't speak English well. It's a practice opportunity for me and you know what... I prefer they chat with me then stare blankly at me like there is not hope in me understanding them.
Chinese people are mostly dull in conversation but there are some interesting and highly intelligent ones. I have the opposite problem of some of you. I tell them I am not an English teacher and some of them lose interest... like they hoped I could teach their kids or something. Some see it as "wow, you aren't an English teacher but what else can foreigners do here?". If I am not busy and they have the guts to approach me, I will give them the opportunity. Let's be fair, a lot of them have like 0 chances to speak English yet study it very hard... why not give them a little more motivation here and there?
my response to local people speaking to me depends on how i am approached
1) friendly approach - usually girls/children with parents. Questions are innocuous. I will pass a few minutes chatting
2) aggressive approach - usually guys. Immediatly i am interrogated or they begin demanding english lessons / pointers. I politely leave.
3) sleazy approach - has always been from guys:
"you're very beautiful, will you spend the night with me ? hur hur hur"
i tell these guys what i think of them, no time to be polite as some have not taken the first "no" as my final answer.
Robk:
And Chinese men wonder why it is nearly impossible to find a foreign women...
Funny how they are so direct with non-sense or stupid questions, but when something that takes finesse, logic and psychology in terms of relationship... they think flashing a "Hermes" belt and acting bold (since the liquid courage has kicked) in is enough to woo any women off her feet.
I am curious what you reply back to them. It is gravely insulting like... "spend the night, you mean spend 5 seconds being in and ending in dissatisfaction..." or something just like "screw off loser".
sorrel:
my response is always direct so there is no misunderstanding when i tell then to 'fup off'. Anything more seems to confuse them.
lilichristian:
It was pretty scary that I got a guy ask me for sleeping with him 6 in the morning in Shanghai metro. I thought he was trying to start a friendly conversation at the beginning but it ended up with a request like that. So disappointed.
coineineagh:
Keep in mind that if you insult men here, it may be perceived as a traditional courtship, where the woman criticizes the man, and he must prove his worth to her. So keep it brief and walk away quickly.
My experience is the opposite of you guys.When I was in China,not many strangers would talk to me as I am a pretty cold woman in public especially in front of strangers, hard to approach me which's not too bad I guess.
but now in Australia,I found strangers like talking to me which I don't mind,It's like Robk above said.It's a practice opportunity ,and I like to deal with confident people,Why Should I say no?
of course,they must be nice. otherwise,I will just tell them to shut up lol.
my middle finger has become my best friend. i use it alot. people who spit, blow snot rockets, stare. . .ask the seven standard pointless questions. . .girls who claim they are traditional but can read, write and work in jobs. . .men who are just worthless in everything and should never reproduce.
i keep telling my chinese wife. . .is this behavior acceptable? she says no. . .I ask "why do it?" "because everyone does"
my biggest problem is I am 6'2" and built like a wall with biceps bigger than my girl's head. so the comments are very apparent. . .and they are surprised i can speak mandarin.
expatlife26:
I saw a girl with a book on the metro this morning and I got so mad I puked all over myself!!!!!
When I think back, I can't really remember anyone randomly approaching me on the street to chat. Yeah, I've had people stare, shout "hello" or "laowai". I've had shopkeepers and guards chatting with me, but not really complete strangers.
Actually, it sort of happened once. I was in a small village outside Shanghai with my girlfriend and her friend, a woman approached us, exchanged a few words with me and my gf, then spent a good 10 minutes speaking in the local dialect with gf's friend .
A few times, people approached me. It happened while in a train, in a plane, or at a stadium. It never been stellar conversation, it never been the start of anything, but as far as the person is genuine, I try my best to make it an enjoyable moment.
In the train, people ask the usual questions, I try to answer in Chinese. At the stadium... I run, and sometime a guy will be in a playful mood and will try to go faster than I do. So I play too and go faster. So far, it always ends with me going back to my normal pace and the challenger giving up after 2 or 3 laps, all dizzy and purple ^^ We then talk a bit, I try to give some tips on how to breath efficiently, training regularly, etc
If it's a guy who just just shout "hey you laowai" with all his friends giggling a few meters away, I just ignore him (or a middle finger if I'm in a bad mood -_-). Does not happen often, but it happens.
I ask where do they want to go and how much they charge 
I think it's a situation like back home when Mormons show up at your front door to try and convert you. If you are in the mood to chat, i mean it's fine but when push comes to shove and your words and body language are clearly signaling that you are not interested but trying not to be rude, yet they won't relent, you have every right to send them off with strong words.
And you shouldn't feel guilty because they are "nice"; of course they are using friendly language to try and impose on your time because they understand on some level that they are being off-the-charts rude. They aren't going to say "Hey asshole you want the Book of Mormon? No? Well fuck you!"
That doesn't mean they are nice or friendly, just that they are using friendly words. A nice person doesn't go to strangers' homes and try and force their religion on someone who is no interested; no exceptions.
If i have my headphones on or am reading a book on the metro...then yeah i'm probably not in the mood to chat with a stranger. I have my real friends, both foreign and domestic with whom I share common interests. Sometimes i'll be up to chat if I think the person has something to say, like if they work in the same industry as me and we have something to talk about, but no someone asks me about my hometown or chinese food or something I don't owe them anything.
My time belongs to me and the people I really care about.
I'm always surprised when someone under 30 stops to talk to me anywhere in the world because earphones and cell phones have drastically reduced random interpersonal communication.
After work I always tell chat up Chinese locals that I'm off work usually don't want to speak, but I say thank you or pretend I only speak Russian haha.
