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Posts: 4397

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Q: How to survive China and marriage to a Chinese?

  Excuse the Chinglish, it just seemed simpler than asking 'What advice and survival tips would you give to somebody choosing to live or spend a lengthy period of time in China and (sub-question) what are the most important things to choose as a basis for building a healthy relationship with a Chinese man or woman in the hope of maybe one day marrying and building a family together?' I thought about going with the latter (even typed it in and clicked 'Search' but nothing came up), then decided it was perhaps maybe just a little bit too wordy. 

  Sure this 'must' have been asked before by the way, but then every day is Groundhog Day here on echinacities, so...... Also, I think I ought to add, I do have a very genuine reason for asking the second part of the question; it's that i've been best man on two occasions here over the past nine years: one of those marriages broke down and ended in divorce after about three years, and the other has been on the rocks for the past five. I guess the most obvious bit of advice, in light of that little revelation, is not to have me as your best man. 

  

10 years 14 weeks ago in  General  - China

 
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The simple answer to that is don't give up your principles just because they don't seem to apply anymore. That's how you survive and eventually get respected by your co-workers, friends.

 

Same applies for marriage. Stand your ground, the more it looks you are accepting the This is China BS, the more submissive you'll be expected to be. Detect any early signs of future trouble (in particular with the family) and, honestly, if in doubt be prepared to let it go because it won't be worth it on the long run.

This is not being cold and calculating, this is survival.

 

Maybe you'll find a wife and a family with whom you won't even need any of those precautions, and that's what I sincerely wish for you. Anyway, when you're past that and actually married, same rules apply internationnaly : mutual respect and trust are not empty words.

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Surely you are the best one to answer your own question, martian, as you have a Chinese family yourself.

 

Given all we've read on this site about in-laws, I suspect living in a different city than your partner's family has got to be a good start, but as my BF is not Chinese, I'm prepared to accept that I'm not the expert. 

mArtiAn:

  My only advice is give it a few years before tying the knot, and make sure at least one of those involved is very fluently bilingual. So far so good with me and 'er indoors. 

10 years 14 weeks ago
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You cannot survive marriage in China. In the end you will die. So to answer your question, the only way you can outlive you marriage is to get a divorce. The problem with this is that it will typically make the relationship with the family go sour. 

 

For me, I am not sure I am doing the right thing. I am very outspoken about the fact that I am not a Chinese man. I speak about my values, opinions etc. I might be strange to the locals, but at least I am trying to be easy to understand as I have no bullshit layer. 

I couldn't imagine how it would be to live in China, with my wife, had she never lived in my home country. I kind of wish we'd had the MIL there more than we did so she could get her skepticism for anything foreign adjusted a bit more. 

mArtiAn:

  Ok, sound advice, i'll get on to a lawyer to knock up the divorce papers just as soon as I stop laughing.

10 years 14 weeks ago
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Shifu

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Don't know the right advice, I am surviving my chinese marriage everyday, on the hot rocks. As above stated, do not lower own values and principles, and drink a lot of beer or whiskey. I could not count, how many times I was on the ticket purchasing web and just 2 clicks separate me from my wife by miles. But I always think to myself, that I can not simply take our son away from her, just because she has been super mad on me, because I did not clean house well. hell yeah, that's the reasons here. daily...

I have arrange for insurance, for embassy meeting and visa arrangment. she blocked herself. second day come up and ok, we fly to Czech. evening is again against it. I have no real power to stay in this enviroment anymore. I open the window and can not see nothing and can not breathe it. She ask me stay 2 more years and make some money. I sai no more than 1 month ...

The only she care the most, is her mom if she will accept it, that we will so far.  Sometimes,. I just want to fly, and let she come on her own later. Don't know,

 

I read your post many times, and I know what you talk about. I just no have inlaws at our home. that way i will already be death

Scandinavian:

Remember not to do the same to her when she is in the Czeck republic.... Mmmmm dunkel beer. ....  right back on track. Make sure she gets to experience U Fleku. 

 

Beer. The cause of and solution to all of lifes problems 

  - HJS

10 years 14 weeks ago
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mArtiAn:

  Personally i've come to the firm conclusion that my marriage cannot survive my mistress, which is alcohol. I've had to choose one or the other, and I believe i've chosen wisely. The wife's moving out in a fortnight. Bwaha!

10 years 14 weeks ago
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Nessquick:

Thanks Scandi, pub U Fleku will be the second stop from Airport. I hope. 

 

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Sometimes, when arguing with my wife, I start to think that a bullet to the head solves everything. That was dad's motto, actually -- "A bullet to the head solves everything."

 

So when you're down in the dumps, and your wife is kicking the shit out of you because you burned the toast, or because you didn't lick the right spot long enough, then just remember that a bullet... ah, nevermind... my dad's advice is actually really bad, but then again he was an ethiopian donkey-tamer-turned-mercenary, and I'm just a programmer / tv watcher.

 

The moral of the story is never listen to your dad. And don't listen to your wife's dad, either. And don't let her listen to him, either. Just be patient.

 

In fact, I'm going to give you a list of 7 things that you need to understand about women:

 

1) They're all pucking crazy.

2)... actually, you know what? Never mind. All you need to know is #1. If you understand that, and you understand that crazy people can't be reasoned with, and can't help being crazy, then you'll be fine.

mArtiAn:

  Ok, from that i've picked up two main points: don't listen to my dad, and women are crazy. Unfortunately the main thing I ever hear from my father is 'women are crazy' so.....

10 years 14 weeks ago
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Hulk:

Okay, then in that case you can listen to your father.

10 years 14 weeks ago
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mArtiAn:

  Don't be ridiculous, I never listen to my father, not since he had the sex change and become a woman. Women are crazy..

10 years 14 weeks ago
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Hulk:

Have him change back.

10 years 14 weeks ago
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Victoria1987:

have him change back

10 years 13 weeks ago
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Native English speakers always refer to Chinese people as "a Chinese"

mArtiAn:

  Not at all, it's an adjective, who'se gonna use it as a noun? I've heard Chinese people referring to themselves in that way far more. Common mistake.

10 years 14 weeks ago
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Nessquick:

I do not write here even about my own czech people as Czech or a Czech people. whats the game ?

trying to punish us for not being laowai enough ?

or for our poor language ?

I guess, all the CCCCChinese people here can teahc us talk english well.

 

Cheeeloooou

10 years 14 weeks ago
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It seems most (I think all, actually) foreigners I know who married a Chinese seem to have done so within their first 2 years in China, which I think is extremely fast and they most likely didn't have a complete understanding of what they were getting themselves into.

 

The fact that these foreigners found women willing to marry so fast is a red flag in my book considering local women usually don't even marry local men so quick unless they have an agenda.

 

There are really a lot of obstacles, substantially more than locals marrying eachother.

mArtiAn:

  Agreed, agreed and agreed again. Me and my missus of 8 years lived together for most of our first five before tying the knot.

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I would say, it can work only if your Chinese partner have above average cultural sensitivity. Short of that, you will be the one giving up most of what you are. Unless you're blindly in love, it can lead to some anger build up. Don't give completely who you are, don't accept bullshit because "it's how things are here". Rationality, delivered in small but regular doses DOES work here. You can make your partner more rational, less emotion driven, if you are patient and stand your ground quietly. Never yell, if you feel doing so, just go out for a walk. Forgive but so not forget. Try to be impartial and accept being guilty.

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Shifu

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I am an overseas Chinese. My parents were from China, that makes me a first generation overseas Chinese and I still don't understand how Chinese women think here! Everything they talk about relates to MONEY and more MONEY. They need money to patch up their village home, their brothers need money to start a business, their fathers need money to pay their mistresses, their grandmother is sick, grandfather is whatever.....then, they themselves need money to go KTVs so they can pay the bill later and have a lot of face, pay for the supper so they get more face, pay for the taxi back to get even more face. It appears that it's all about money and face. Reminds me about the time in the 80s when we were going through the Jones syndrome back home. Oh, our neighbors bought a new color tv so we must get one better than theirs. That's how your marriage to a Chinese women will end up. Unless you have a lot of money and face, don't get married in China. True , there are exceptions but they are few and far in between. 

DrMonkey:

There are women in China who care for others things than money no But yeah, one must care more for the red lights she is triggering early on, than her breast size or her lips.

10 years 14 weeks ago
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Number 1 make some good friendships. 

number 2 Have good communication with the one you love.

Then build trust respect and comprimise when you need to.

I am married to a chinese  woman , we get along because we communicate and we work things out. I might have a rare relationship , but this i have learned from past experiances.

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how many years of age difference do you have with your wife ,swamfox?

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10 years 13 weeks ago
 
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Thank God - and I mean it- I refrained myself from falling in love with a Chinese girl, including in the most vulnerable state of heart I've many times had to acknowledge. I guess this is the moment when you're hunted as an easiest pray to the jackals. When you wake up you're already little less than bones left over. 

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