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Posts: 1059

Shifu

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Q: I need some advice please

Im married to a Chinese girl we have a 3 year old boy,At the start of last term my wife started back at her old job,but it seems like work has taken over.

 

during the week its me that takes care of our son,I get him up in the morning,take him to kindergarten,take him home,cook the dinner do the clothes washing,clean up the house,give my boy a bath and put him to bed,this routine is done from Monday to Friday.I go to work as well.

 

my wife she goes to work and gets home late every night of the week,10pm,10.30,11.12am.so Ethan  does not see his mother most nights of the week.most weeks he does not see her at all.

 

I have tried to talk to her about coming home at a better time as Im having trouble with him eating dinner,he eats when my wife is at home in the weekends but not during the week.

 

she told me she is to busy to be able to come home early,then she has told me she looked after our bout for 2 years and did not go to work.she spends from 9am until very late at night working.

 

is this a Chinese thing? it just feels like work comes before everything else now,our boy is only 3 years old and  he still needs his mother,I have tried telling her this but nothing changes.

 

love to hear your thoughts on this,yes its a little personal but not sure what to do.

7 years 28 weeks ago in  General  - China

 
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There are some really serious issues here that you and your wife need to discuss. They have to do with family values.  Questions need to be asked:  What priority do you both put on spending time with each other, both with your children and with each other?  Is your financial situation so dire, that she needs to work this way?  Is this a temporary situation that you are enduring until you meet a financial goal?  I can't answer these questions for you because everyone every family has their own values, but you both need to clearly define what you want from your life and then change your lifestyle to better promote that goal.

 

If you fail to address this seriously, you could find this way of life developing into a deeply entrenched habit that will shape your family in ways you never intended.  It is better to discuss this as soon as possible and have the discipline to carry it out.

RobRocks:

thanks

this is pretty much what we are going through,we have not slept in the same bed since Ethan was born,we dont really do much together,wife works late very tired,I sleep on the sofa bed as Ethan sleeps with his mum.we dont have any outside help,and not much romance type stuff either.

we are not rich so we both have to work,

we both switch off,I play games while she uses her mobile phone.

we dont do much together,both tired,no baby sitter,got in to a routine type rut.

7 years 28 weeks ago
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xinyuren:

Your honesty shows me that you really want to change the situation.

 

1.  have a heart to heart talk with her.  You will have to initiate, Chinese people generally do not feel comfortable speaking from the heart.  Tell her how you feel about her.  Let her know she is important to you. In this discussion, do not blame the problem on her job.  Her job isn't the real problem.  The problem is she doesn't feel an urgency to be with her family.  Get her to open up about why its so easy for her to stay at work so long.  Discuss the reasons this might be so.  Only then can you begin to find solutions to your problem.

 

2.  Proactively give her reasons to be at home with her family.  Put your PS4 in the closet and take your family out on the weekends.  Put an end to the cold war and sleep with your wife again.  Renew the romance and make her home an attractive place for her to be.

 

3. Don't let your son feel the tension between you and your wife.  This affects him more than you realize.

 

This problem is so common in modern families.  The easiest thing is to just let it happen and don't do anything.  That's why half of marriages end in divorce and so many children are raised in broken families.  Don't do the easiest thing.  Fight for what is important to you.

 

China is not the ideal place to raise children, but no place is.  I don't necessarily recommend you leave China if you have important reasons for being here.  The problems you describe can happen no matter where you decide to live.  The problem isn't China.  The problem is the choices you have made together.  Maybe your choices will be easier to make outside of China, maybe not.
 

I wish you the best.

7 years 28 weeks ago
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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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It is a Chinese thing! Employers expect their employees lives to be nothing but work and almost without question the people obey. There are almost no workers rights in this country, so to disobey would mean losing the job. I've spoken to many Chinese people about it and they all complain, but don't have the fight in them to do anything about it.

 

Chronic short-termism combined with no workers rights, selfishness, and a hugely competitive job market leads to a situation where an employer won't put up with a troublemaker (from the employers perspective) when there are 25 people who want the job who wont cause problems. It leads to this situation where everybody has to basically work all day every day or get fired. This is why usually in China the grandparents take the lead in raising the children.

 

So I don' see an easy solution to your problem short of leaving China or her quitting her job. It's difficult for her to do something different to what she see all her friends and co workers doing. They all rely on the grandparent, or in your case, you!

RobRocks:

the feeling I get is that she would rather be at work than come home

7 years 28 weeks ago
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estern:

Don;t know about your family, but the following things are quite common:

 

1. A family decides to have a baby purely because of parental and societal pressure. They didn't actually want one yet or weren't prepared for it. So when it comes they hand it off on the grandparents and take almost zero responsibility for it while they carry on living their "young person" lives.

 

2. People see a baby as more of a fashion accessory rather than a person. They again hand it off on the grandparent and go to see it occasionally simply to take cute pictures to put on wechat. I know a woman who's married to a wealthy guy who lives in a different city (don't ask how I know her.....). She has a kid, but the kid lives with the grand parents who live in the same building. But unbelievable she only see's it about once a week. It seems she just doesn't have the desire or love to go down 3 floors to visit her own daughter! I've tried to figure out exactly why, but can't put my finger on it. But when you consider there are millions of women like her in China, then something is seriously wrong with this society.

 

It seems like many Chinese parents have a baby purely to get face, and their love of the Child is limited. For example have the child because society dictates they must but take as little responsibility for it as possible. They then make the child study like crazy to go to good schools and universities purely so they can brag about their smart kid. But when the kid falls over and smacks his head on the concrete they all stand about laughing.

 

It could all stem from the inherent selfishness that is imbedded in Chinese society. But I'm purely speculating here. I've had parents tell me that the kid has to live with the grandparents because the grandparent know how to look after a kid but they don't. My response is an incredulous "are you serious". How will they learn if they never do it? How do they think parents all over the rest of the world do it? It's nothing but a feeble excuse to allow them to not take responsibility.

 

Anyway........ I realise I may be rambling now and a lot of what I've said only applies to a minority and probably has nothing to do with your situation. It's possible she's just tired and suffering from the Chinese "lethargy".

7 years 28 weeks ago
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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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estrn is exactly right. My best advice to anyone with a wife and kid, get out of China. China is toxic for raising a family unless you are very well off.

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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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If the situation were reversed, what would you do?

 

Which is exactly what happens back home anyway... lots of fathers rarely see their kids, while the mother does all the rearing and housework.

iWolf:

I'm inclined to agree with you on this one.

 

In many families where both parents work, one has to carry the load for the other. Duty and responsibility in the 21st century. And you could consider an Ayi to come and clean once or twice a week.

 

You should feel lucky that you have the opportunity to spend valuable time with your son.

7 years 28 weeks ago
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Englteachted:

Good point

7 years 28 weeks ago
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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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There are some really serious issues here that you and your wife need to discuss. They have to do with family values.  Questions need to be asked:  What priority do you both put on spending time with each other, both with your children and with each other?  Is your financial situation so dire, that she needs to work this way?  Is this a temporary situation that you are enduring until you meet a financial goal?  I can't answer these questions for you because everyone every family has their own values, but you both need to clearly define what you want from your life and then change your lifestyle to better promote that goal.

 

If you fail to address this seriously, you could find this way of life developing into a deeply entrenched habit that will shape your family in ways you never intended.  It is better to discuss this as soon as possible and have the discipline to carry it out.

RobRocks:

thanks

this is pretty much what we are going through,we have not slept in the same bed since Ethan was born,we dont really do much together,wife works late very tired,I sleep on the sofa bed as Ethan sleeps with his mum.we dont have any outside help,and not much romance type stuff either.

we are not rich so we both have to work,

we both switch off,I play games while she uses her mobile phone.

we dont do much together,both tired,no baby sitter,got in to a routine type rut.

7 years 28 weeks ago
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xinyuren:

Your honesty shows me that you really want to change the situation.

 

1.  have a heart to heart talk with her.  You will have to initiate, Chinese people generally do not feel comfortable speaking from the heart.  Tell her how you feel about her.  Let her know she is important to you. In this discussion, do not blame the problem on her job.  Her job isn't the real problem.  The problem is she doesn't feel an urgency to be with her family.  Get her to open up about why its so easy for her to stay at work so long.  Discuss the reasons this might be so.  Only then can you begin to find solutions to your problem.

 

2.  Proactively give her reasons to be at home with her family.  Put your PS4 in the closet and take your family out on the weekends.  Put an end to the cold war and sleep with your wife again.  Renew the romance and make her home an attractive place for her to be.

 

3. Don't let your son feel the tension between you and your wife.  This affects him more than you realize.

 

This problem is so common in modern families.  The easiest thing is to just let it happen and don't do anything.  That's why half of marriages end in divorce and so many children are raised in broken families.  Don't do the easiest thing.  Fight for what is important to you.

 

China is not the ideal place to raise children, but no place is.  I don't necessarily recommend you leave China if you have important reasons for being here.  The problems you describe can happen no matter where you decide to live.  The problem isn't China.  The problem is the choices you have made together.  Maybe your choices will be easier to make outside of China, maybe not.
 

I wish you the best.

7 years 28 weeks ago
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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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I agree with other opinions here. This is a Chinese thing, usually the parents hand off the kid to make money since the grandparents were the one who pestered/pressured them into having the kid in the first place. 

 

Even if they did try to raise it... they usually have no idea how. I have to agree with Englteachted on raising children in China. I think for the first few years... it is kind of okay yet risky (if I am being generous). But after that, I would get out immediately if you have the means or opportunity. 

 

It is sad to hear that your son doesn't get to see as much of his mother as he would like but you should count yourself lucky. It seems like you are a competent father which is loads more than I can say for many of the parenting I have seen in China. 

 

Because he is with you most of the time, chances are this will affect his personality and outlook on life significantly rather than being an indoctrinated, opinion-less, product of Chinese society.

 

I have seen many foreigners leave China solely because of their children. I would too. 

 

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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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Shifu

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girl's parents usually deal with this problem

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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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I don't know anything about your wife, but what you say reminds me of some very good female friends I have.

 

They did what was expected and married then had a baby before they had really done anything in life, and now that they are married they are craving life. They want to do what youngish people do.. go shopping with friends, travel, have a social life and hobbies but they can't because their new life is looking after the child while being supervised by an overbearing mother in law. It's not that they're unhappy with their husbands and kids, it's just that they want a social life. Maybe your wife wants that too.

 

I second Xinyuren's very good advice.

 

 

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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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It is a Chinese thing. But can't she change the job?

I never worked till 12am!

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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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This may have nothing to do with your situation, but...

 

My best mate was doing the work all hours thing and thus missing the kids (and causing aggro with the wife, etc).

 

It comes about because money was tighter than they'd like, and he felt a responsibility (burden?) to provide for his family - and that was his main priority in his mind... to him, it was much more important that the kids had food, a house, clothes, etc, than to have a father around them all the time. Especially as he has a wife who can spend time with them.

 

Perhaps your wife has this idea as well??

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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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i'd say its an individual thin'. yr wife is unreasonabl n makin' it worst by bein' adamant.

do considr requestin' her to visit  family councilin' togethr if heart to heart talk (rightly suggestd by xinyuren) n othr ways stl dont get her to address yr concerns.

Robk:

You method of typing is very strange... like the vowels on your keyboard are broken lol. 

 

I hope you don't teach like that. sad

7 years 28 weeks ago
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Curiousdude:

you method ? crying

7 years 27 weeks ago
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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
Posts: 1059

Shifu

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A  Big thank you to everyone  for all the advice and thank you to xinyuren your advice helped out a lot.

 

My wife does enjoy her job,she will go to Germany on Sunday with her work for 10 days,and we are going to work on things when  she gets back.while she is away I will try and get our son to sleep in his own bed for the 1st time.

 

as a family we need to do more things together,my wife told me she does work way to much and she will try and come home at a good time during the week.

 

I wont be playing the PS4 that much,but I will set time aside for playing because I dont drink,I dont go to bars,playing games is pretty m only vice I have apart from coffee.

 

we do have things to work on and I feel we will get through this,maybe also we can hire a baby sitter for some time out for us so we can have a date night.

 

thank you 

From Robin (RobRocks)

 

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7 years 28 weeks ago
 
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Robin.

 

Treasure every moment you have with your son.

 

I have already lost two daughters to me being selfish. My eldest is 26. I last saw her 20 years ago. My only contact now is via facebook. Number 2 daughter is 24. I lost her as well (same mother).

 

After I lost them, I blamed everyone except me. It was always someone else fault. Never mine.

 

Now I have number 3... I can see it was all my fault..

 

My ego, sex drive, opinion, beer, sports, all came first before my first two daughters.

 

And because of that, they grew up without their real dad. Me.

 

I am forever shamed.

 

It was totally my fault they had no dad. No matter how I try to spin it. My fault.

 

Heart to heart. Tuck your ego into your Friday night pocket, keep it their till Friday, let it loose for a few hours, smash a few plates... and wake up Saturday and be the best dad in the world .

 

And post your fun on wechat as I do. Likes are a great way of reinforcing your fatherhood as being great.

 

You posted a like to my adventures with my daughter number 3 today.  Do the same dude. post post post.

 

Being a dad is difficult. I am lucky I am a member of a great wechat group who believe in me. They support me and encourage me. They demand photos that show fun.

 

If I become selfish... they call me out as a cunt.

 

Dads support dads.

 

Wish I had listened to them 20 years ago.

 

 

RobRocks:

cheers man that really means a lot thank you.

you are a good man

7 years 27 weeks ago
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7 years 27 weeks ago
 
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By the way dude. You should be proud of your wife. Off to Germany to do a job. Wow. That means western wages. Good western wages. You can be a house husband.

 

I would love to be able to do that. You lucky sod wink

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7 years 27 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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Parenting is very important for your kid. I hope you and your wife can discuss it thoroughly. It is her duty to be a good mother. It's not a Chinese Girl Phenomenon, most of the family are parenting together. You can let your son stay with his mother longer on weekends, so that he will miss her without seeing her for long. Send your wife more photos of your kid, and let her feel like parenting. Marriage is always not easy, because it's a cooperating thing. Good luck.

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7 years 27 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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Can you support the family if the wife did not work?

If so, you can ask the wife to stop working. Give her the money for monthly expenses.

 

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7 years 25 weeks ago
 
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