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Q: Is it better to just let it go?
There are oh so many aggravations and annoyances when living in China from the insane driving to having to deal with people who you'd rather not have to be around etc. I've gone through a lot of stages and I'm starting to come full circle. When I first arrived, I was the definition of the naive newbie. I thought that people yelling at me on the street were friendly and welcoming and I even kind of enjoyed a lot of the special foreigner attention that I received living in a Tier 3 city. I then embarked on a few months of intense language study and got my Mandarin up to a passable but still rather low level. At this stage I made every effort to have conversations and try to ingratiate myself with the locals to the point where I'd try to chat up taxi drivers just for the language practice. I was all about China. But a year and a half or so into this journey my attitude underwent a pretty major change as the novelty wore off and I didn't appreciate being singled for being different. I realized that a group of giggling 20 year old men pointing at me on the street were just peasants mocking me and not being friendly or attempting to communicate with me. I reached a climax where I actually began hoping people would start something with me so I could lash out at them in Chinese/English and began fantasizing about getting into fights (I'm not at all aggressive by nature and haven't had a real fight since I was 10 years old). This mindset was pretty unhealthy and led to a lot of unnecessary anger.
Well I certainly haven't fallen back in love with the place but I've really tried to make an effort to just let stuff go. I mean, China is never going to change and I'm fully aware of all of its shortcomings so it's essentially insane to let them get you down day to day. I've had a couple of incidents in the past 24 hours that could have resulted in altercations but I just let them go. A crazy taxi driver who was screaming "f*ck your mother" out the window at traffic ripped me off for a couple kuai. I called him out on it, he got belligerent, I politely said in Mandarin "I don't want to argue with you sir", gave him what he asked for and pretended to take a picture of his license. The last part seemed to upset him. Now in the past I might've really tried to make an issue out of it because I hate the feeling of being ripped off but I'd like to think I'm above arguing with a potentially crazed peasant over the amount of 2 kuai. There's an asshole old man who works at the supermarket by my workplace who has tried to overcharge me twice in the four times I've bought something from him. I just correct him and give one word answers to his annoying questions. Rather than call him out, I'll just shop elsewhere. Today some dickhead cut in front of me in line at the gym, I glared at him, he glared back and I waited a whole 15 seconds more and went about my day. Every time I see someone litter I want to say something but I just bite my tongue and go about my day. I used to let all these little things get to me - it's not that any of them are severe or significant but when you have to deal with petty thieves, spitting, littering, hallowing, psycho driving, etc. on a daily basis it can wear you down.
Well, I'm just not going to allow it to get to me. I'm fully aware that I don't live in a bastion of civilization and it's my choice to remain here for a complex array of personal reasons. I don't expect these things to change and becoming irate or starting confrontations is not exactly a healthy or productive way of handling a situation.
So do you just let stuff go too? I mean you kind of have to right? TIC.
Be like water. Fluid, with the path of least resistance, yet destroying everything occasionally.
Only you can decide when you've had enough. There is absolutely no benefit to staying in China. That's for sure. If you're not having a good time, then you should start thinking of going to another country or getting yourself situated back home. None of the situations you described get better. The more you understand them, the worse these things will bother you. Figure out where you want to be.
Better to let it go, if you can.
I used to go off on people but I found it didn't make me feel any better, worse in fact. I would go home with my pulse racing and think about how I should have said this or that, and spend my evening having some stupid incident dominate my mind and keep me in a pissed off mood. I almost never felt that I came out on top of the situation.
Now I think I've become a bit de-sensitized to it all. Things still annoy me, disgust me, frustrate me but that's just life here I've learned not to react usually. and when I go home I just can't be bothered thinking about it. I would rather drink a few beers, listen to music and be in a happy place.
Be like water. Fluid, with the path of least resistance, yet destroying everything occasionally.
Just let it go until it gets to a point that you totally don't tolerate. Like I mentioned in another post, I will not tolerate when people bully or hurt animals/people weaker than them.
All the stares, whispers, rudeness etc. I can deal with that. And just let it go... it is annoying but think of them at 8-10 year old children. You would have patience for an 8-10 year old kid right? It is just a kid that doesn't really know any better. Well, most Chinese are like that... they don't really understand what they are doing and always seem to learn the hard way.
On a positive note (over almost a decade), I hear less people shouting "lao wai", less people are staring.. more people understand what a red light means... more people are saying "You are welcome" or being polite. I try to focus on that and not so much on the negative... also try to focus on yourself.
If you are moving forward somehow... maybe because of going to the gym, earning decent money due to pay rises or changing jobs... studying something... raising a family... it makes it a lot easier to cope. Having more self-respect makes it easier to deal with people who obviously have none or respect for others.
Just let it go because most aren't worth the thought or energy.
Shining_brow:
Don't you try to educate 8-10 year old children when they do something 'wrong'??
I guess that is one of the blessing of mot having learned the language. I just go about as a clueless foreigner. There are assholes from all over the world here in China. Since I only speak English, I find my intolerance at other expats. So, I try to steer clear of them mostly. As for frustrating actions by the Chinese, I can usually laugh it off. I have very thick skin and broad shoulders. That is not to say I am not sensitive to the actions. But, I have it in my head a philosophy that this is their country. I am merely a guest. I change the things I can. And, all the other things, I just have to accept. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. The only time I act out, and usually it is in a kind, polite manner, is when people try to cut in front of me in line. especially when I am waiting in line at the train or bus station. Just keep telling yourself "TIC". This is China. I say it at least once a day.
jetfire9000:
Interesting fact. To say you have "thick skin" is a type of grave insult in Chinese....
I've been here in china for almost a year now.. and I'm having big conflict with our manager, At first i controlled my temper and put my grudge behind me,anyway he is a kind of a manager who like a blame game.. he never know how to listen in any suggestion and if the things didn't work out you'll get all the blame,but these days i started to fight back,and the jerk inform our boss that I'm impatient when it comes with my job,some of my colleagues don't know how to follow my instruction no matter how I tried to explain them,They'll agree on it when i talked to em but do the same thing afterward. I'm getting too much pressure and stress from my job.. but i can't quit because i signed a contract and I need money to support my needs and my family back home, Though there are so many things that I can enjoy here in china.
Shining_brow:
Put it in writing, have them sign it.
When they stuff up again, pull out the letter, and show them what they signed.. and then ask for an explanation. (You'll probably get "I didn't understand"... so, make sure you have a line in it that states clearly "By signing this, I am saying that I completely understand"). If they still "kan bu dong" -then ask why they're so stupid they signed something that says they understand when they didn't??
I've been here in china for almost a year now.. and I'm having big conflict with our manager, At first i controlled my temper and put my grudge behind me,anyway he is a kind of a manager who like a blame game.. he never know how to listen in any suggestion and if the things didn't work out you'll get all the blame,but these days i started to fight back,and the jerk inform our boss that I'm impatient when it comes with my job,some of my colleagues don't know how to follow my instruction no matter how I tried to explain them,They'll agree on it when i talked to em but do the same thing afterward. I'm getting too much pressure and stress from my job.. but i can't quit because i signed a contract and I need money to support my needs and my family back home, Though there are so many things that I can enjoy here in china.
Your first mistake was to assume that grown up Chinese are responsible adults, they are not. Treat them like you would immature children and everything will become smooth.
taxis won't rip you off for 2 kuai. you wanted a cheap ride from A to B, so you probably got a san er / rickshaw bike. i stay away from those things due to my height and seating needs, but also avoid them because they're assholes. either walk the distance, or be willing to pay a real taxi. taxis in tier 3 cities should be nice enough unless you're in a touristy place like Leshan or Beihai.
some of your beefs are too minor to justify getting worked up about; some don't even involve you. you might be getting hit by cultural fatigue, which tends to happen once the veneer of a new place peels off. coping strategies differ per individual, so find what works for you. i had lots of stress from barelt controllable kids at the school i taught. i distanced myself from the issue by reasoning that i still get paid if classes are chaotic, and just stuck to teaching what i could to the kids paying attention. i'd only speak up about physical harassment near my private body parts.
if you're not teaching rude young peasant kids in a small city, stop complaining and count yourself lucky.
dongbeiren:
I'll assume the point you're trying to make is that taxi drivers in small cities are honest and I'd basically agree that most taxi drivers are honest most of the time (nearly all the time away from the train station) but in this case I did in fact get ripped off for a few kuai by a real taxi. I don't feel like boring you with the details but the end result involved him taking a ridiculous u-turn because there was traffic on a street where there's always traffic and me paying 3-4 kuai more than I've ever paid for a ride that I've taken dozens of times. I did pay what was on the meter but I still feel I was ripped off.
Now, rather than being all presumptuous and telling me exactly what happened to me why not make a more general statement like "It's hard to believe that a real taxi ripped you off for 2 kuai and it was more likely a black taxi or 3 wheeler." If you're aiming to have a pleasant dialogue something like that would be appropriate.
And no I don't teach rude peasant kids in a small city. I don't think that makes me lucky, but it sure does mean that I'm in a better situation than some other people.
coineineagh:
if a driver makes a deliberate detour to add a few kuai to the bill, i'd be more angry about wasted time than money. i'm often in a hurry when i need a cab.
dongbeiren:
yea it's not about the money for me it's the principle of having some low life get the satisfaction of pulling one on me - I don't want to let the little man win at his game - but yes, the time consideration is valid too and when I'm in a hurry I don't care about a few kuai - hell I've tipped taxi drivers before it's not a money thing. I just don't want to be cheated by thieving scum.
Shining_brow:
Coin, I had a taxi charge an extra 3-5RMB on a fair I've taken dozens of times, and had the receipts from. Given that those fapiaos have the total kms on it, (and times), you can see how someone gets ripped off. In my case, the meter had been 'adjusted' to calculate the k's slightly higher (my place is 14.7K's from my departure point - this fapiao had me at over 16kms).
Sure, I can afford it... I can throw that sort of money away and never think twice about it.
But, don't we come on this forum with an attitude of "we do things better - fairer - than the locals?" Don't we suggest that our principles are of a higher standard? I may be ripped off 3-5 kuai... and so will the next person, and the next and the next and the next... It seems fairly hypocritical to only look out for number one, and then bitch about how selfish people are here...
I've been in this country almost 6 years (HOLY CRAP... I've got to get out of here!!!)
I find myself more inclined to say something (often insulting) to the nongs here than to just 'let it go'.
On the subway, when ppl stand in the middle of the doorway before getting on, I ask them 'what do those arrows mean?'. I ask ppl who are smoking right below the no-smoking signs what it means. I give dirty looks. I point out when someone is due a thanks (eg, holding open a door).
In the vast majority of these situations (except the smokers*), the response is the same - "oh sorry sorry".. and then change or do what is the 'proper' way. I'm not saying what I'm suggesting is 'better' and all, just that they already know what is actually 'right', and just don't do it cos of convenience, or habit, or whatever. Really nice when a local translates for me... (eg, I hold open the door to a group of ppl coming in out of the rain. No thanks. I say something in my crap Chinese about the rudeness... someone else translates so that the others understand it, and I get my thanks).
Raising the standard, one person at a time!
(* I've noticed that smokers tend to be an arrogant bunch... certainly not all of them, but enough. Also, plenty of older nong-types who are smokers, who think they can do what they want, because they're old and a nong)
Get out of Changchun, mate, there are places where the people are more civilised.
I still thank my lucky starts that I never went there to be close to my (now ex) gf, who turned out to be a self centred gold digger who cannot recognise a better life when she sees it. Yes, I am bitter about Changchun and wasted effort, time and money, but quite happy with life in the south in general, there are way less uncivilised, stupid peasants, at least where I am now.
dongbeiren:
Sorry to hear it didn't work out between you guys but it sounds like you're in a good place. All the best in Wuxi 
. I know things are generally better down south but I've gotten myself in a pretty good situation here and we're near my wife's family so we're staying put for now. As long as I don't let the "man on the street" bother me I'm pretty content here.
