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Q: Tantrums.... mixed race kids?

So today, as is normal, I head out with my 5 year old to go have some father daughter fun. Busses to places, western food etc, and we normally end up in a popular local shopping street.She has a friend there whose mum owns a shop, So I sit outside for a few hours while they play.

 

But today, home time comes, and she has a tantrum. She does not want to go home.

 

I did not do the pick up and carry, nor was I dragging her down the street.. She was walking ok. But by fuck, she was making a lot of noise.

 

I did not feel safe. Lots of ppl stopping to watch, ppl coming out of shops, black car drivers walking aggresiveley towards me. I felt myself to be in a bad place because of my crying child.

 

But I knew she would stop crying after 100 meters, and she did.... but boy oh boy.... I felt the eyes on me.

 

Anyone else had similar?

 

 

4 days 23 hours ago in  General  - China

 
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Mixed race tantrum? What are you all talking about? crying

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4 days 14 hours ago
 
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No. My daughter is good as gold. Still get people staring all the time but luckily never throws tantrums.

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4 days 15 hours ago
 
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I wouldn't care about the starring at me too much. Actually I wouldn't care at all.  You did well to wait until your daughter calmed down.  I don't believe it was a mixed race tantrum either. It was a child used to a way of being attended that changed. That experience probably had a price and it hurt, but now she knows her daddy a little more than she used to.

 

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4 days 14 hours ago
 
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Mixed race tantrum? What are you all talking about? crying

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4 days 14 hours ago
 
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my boy (he is 4) but he has big fits like your daughter,I cant do anything with him when he gets like this,I just have to ride it out.

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4 days 14 hours ago
 
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i have observed, through minding young family members, that tantrums can have a variety of causes in 4-year-olds. here are a few i have encountered

 

1) they are testing boundaries and seeing how much they can control you - you are preventing them from doing something or want them to do something - and pacifying them is the easiest way to deal with it, so they learn that a tantrum gets the results they want.

2) something is frustrating them and they can not articulate what is causing their frustration - and generally it is when you don't have time to explore what it is (in public)

3) tiredness

4) self-control has not been mastered yet

 

i would suggest checking on how the significant adults in your daughter's life deal with her tantrums.

if there are those who pacify her when she acting out, she has learnt that this is an acceptable way to act to get what she wants.

 

when caring for younger family members, i check with their parent as to how they deal with tantrums so there is consistent 'parenting'.

to be honest, most if the time i don't acknowledge the tantrum, but obviously out in public is a different matter.

most young children focus on the here and now, unable to have project into the future.

 

 

good luck Scots -  a lot of patience is needed

Shining_brow:

So, if you're caring for a kid who's parents/guardians do the pampering - you'd do it also??

4 days 8 hours ago
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Blondie_:

not at all.

i'd avoid caring for these children (even family members)

 

as it is, i would only care for close family members, and their parents are on the less 'pacifying' side, more on the anticipation/defusing tantrum spectrum. I am in a position to know their parenting style and can match it appropriately for consistency for the child.

 

but you can't anticipate every situation with children because they are still learning self-control. I would have more support of the parents who are family, which is why i would NEVER teach/care for children belonging to non-family.

 

4 days 8 hours ago
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4 days 9 hours ago
 
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What's the 'mixed-race' bit got to do with anything here???

philbravery:

The sun rose in the west. Finally something we agree upon

2 days 5 hours ago
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Shining_brow:

Aclually Phil, there's really only been 2 or 3 things we don't agree on. They just happen to be BIG issues (and one repeatedly comes up)...

2 days 5 hours ago
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4 days 8 hours ago
 
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Hi Scots, my wee girl is a littel younger at three and a half. She has learned that a tantrum will get her what she wants from her chinese grandparents but that it won't wash with either me or her mother. It was about letting her know there is no way we would give in. I can totally understand that you would feel worried about yours kicking off in public, it could look really wrong to people who don't know your girl and you. I don't think it's a mixed race thing, it's  a kid thing and how they get away with murder with some and try it on with others.

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4 days 6 hours ago
 
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My kids have had tantrums everywhere, and in all settings. China. Germany. Transit countries. They scream, they disobey, they're destructive. They're boys. I would never relate it to their mixed race heritage, but it does seem to be more frequently a boy than a girl thing. Tantrums in general, I mean.

My experience is also, that advice given in these cases is often too lopsided, and dependent on interpretation and perspective. Be responsive, balance your reaction to the situation. Figure out what's on their mind, and adjust your tactics to theirs. Give them the right amount of consideration and discipline, avoid too much or too little of either. Hope that helps, and good luck with your rebellious princess!

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4 days 5 hours ago
 
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From what I've seen of 'child raising' in this country, I'm surprised anything would ever come of it.

 

Either, guardians let their little monsters do anything they want (including destroying valuable art) or even punching and insulting people... to the other extreme of doing violent physical abuse just for doing something slightly annoying!

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4 days 4 hours ago
 
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When my daughter was 2 years old, she decided to try testing her bounderies with me.  I put her to bed late one night while me and the wife were watching a movie.  She opened the bedroom door and came out again.  I scolded her and told her to stay in bed and don't touch the door.  She quietly obeyed me, but opened the door and come out after I left the room.  This time, I took her to the room and spanked her.  Here is where it got interesting.

 

My method of corporal discipline is perhaps a little unusual.  I do not struggle with my children.  I take them by the hand and walk them to the bedroom.  Then I tell them to get on the bed and remove their pants.  Then I slap them firmly on the bottom with my hand. The length of the spanking is always commensurate with their age and the crime.  My little girl obediently followed directions and even got into the position to be spanked without my bidding.  And she accepted the spanking without a tear.  I calmly asked her if she knew why she was spanked and she nodded her head, so I left her in the bed and closed the door, thinking the matter was settled.  No it wasn't.  As soon as I left the room, she got out of bed and opened the door again.  So I repeated the spanking (which she took again without crying).  

 

This happened four more times!  The last two times, I didn't even bother to go back and join my wife, I just waited outside the door for her to open it!  And I know the spankings were hurting her because my hand felt like it was going to fall off.  But I couldn't show any weakness.  I couldn't give in because this was my test and if I failed this test, she would only get more defiant.  Finally, she gave in and that was the last time she seriously tried to test my authority.  She is 4 1/2 now and an angel.  Now my son is two years old.  I am waiting and ready for him.

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4 days 3 hours ago
 
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I should have been challanged.

 

My normal reaction in the past would be to pick her up and carry her away. But she is older now, and she is learning the game of emotional blackmail.. good on her.  I am trying to cut the bubble wrap away, stand on her own feet, and learn.

 

This is very difficult to explain.

 

Yesterday at the Mall, I needed a pee. I went to the gents, told her to wait outside.

 

Very rapid pee from me, and a lesson for her that I trust her.

 

But if someone had snached her, wuld anyone have intervened? Doubt it.

 

So how to take the bubble wrap off your kid in a Yangist society?

 

 

coineineagh:

Bubble-wrapped or not, do NOT stand on your daughter's feet! As for raising her independent in a Yangist society, I think it's going to be difficult. But try to see the bright side of things: She's going to be a WOMAN one day, and will be excellently versed in the world of value perceptions. Tantrums are efforts to maintain a lifestlye, without giving in to others' expectations, obligations and assumed responsibilities. Everywhere in the world, women are valued for what they are rather than their actions. Yangist China may actually be a boon for a woman learning to get the best lifestyle for herself. She will be able to balloon her perceived value to huge proportions, and have an excellent way of life as a result. Your imposed limitations are practice for her, and people don't look down on women for being petty, as much as with men. Her half-foreign roots may only be anecdotal, which you may feel is sad, but from her perspective she may already be in the best place to learn feminine values of defending her safety and stability.

3 days 6 hours ago
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