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Sign up with Google Sign up with FacebookQ: For those of you in a relationship with a Chinese person, and have children with them...
I'm married to a Chinese man, and have been for almost two years. We have one child together, and another on the way. My in-laws live relatively close to us, and have been a big part of our daughter's and our lives. However, I, from the beginning, have been very adamant about being the primary caregiver in our children's lives. This has brought on many issues because of how differently I care for my daughter in comparison to how Chinese people take care of their children. (for example, the heavy emphasis on independence).
My question for you is this: how much do you let your in-laws partake in the upbringing of your children? If they don't agree at times with the way you do things, how do you respond, and visa versa? How do you work things out?
10 years 48 weeks ago in Family & Kids - China
For me, it is more difficult since I am the guy in the relationship. My wife makes a lot of the day-to-day decisions on how to raise our kids. And since my mother-in-law lives with us, she has a lot of say in it as well.
However, there are certain things I insist on and that is when I put my foot down. Like you, independence is very important to me. So I make sure my kids know how to do almost everything for themselves. This was really tough since their mother, grandmother and maid would fight me tooth-and-nail to pamper the kids. But being the man in the family has certain perks. :)
In the end, it is about compromise and picking the battles you know you can win. After all, if your mother-in-law raised the man you married, then she probably didn't do too bad of a job.
One of the things your have to make sure that your family understands it that your children are not Chinese, nor or they your nationality. They are a mix, and they need to be able to function in both societies. Even if your plan is that your family will stay in China forever you will most likely still be going to your native country once in a while. Your children should get the best of both sides.
But as XpatJohn says, pick your battles wisely.
We're going back to America precisely to avoid their input on our relationship, and their views on childrearing. Face it, most of yesterday's Chinese are woefully uneducated and extremely ignorant. They have no business helping to raise our children. My situation may be different than yours, but my wife's mother comes up with the dumbest ideas possible.
dandmcd:
Many disagree with your thinking, but I am on your side. When me and my wife have children in the future, they will be raised in America. We've already discussed and agreed to this. I can't bear the thought of my children being brought up in China, especially if her family is heavily involved. My wife's Mother never got an education, and can't read or write, so other than being a babysitter, she can't really educate our future children the way we would expect. Her Mother also lives in the middle of nowhere in a tiny village in south Guangzhou, and she is afraid of taking the bus or subway, so it is unlikely she would want to move in anyway to the big city. Even less likely with her limited Chinese language skills (she knows no Mandarin and only speaks Canto), I know she and the rest of the family won't be going to America anytime soon.
I do want the children to be taught to respect and learn about the Chinese culture, since they will be a mix of the 2. They will learn multiple languages and take part in Chinese cultural events to get a taste of where their Mom came from. I hope we can find a place back home that is near a Chinese community, so my wife and kids can still have a little of their old culture to make her feel at home, and so my future children can learn the Chinese way of life.
Hulk:
Hi, dan.
My biggest problem is that my wife's mother is horribly ignorant and uneducated, not to mention utterly insane. Every single frigging time something goes wrong, she yells at my wife to divorce me.
Won't give her money? "DIVORCE HIM!" Won't support her crazy business misadventures? "DIVORCE HIM!" She recently paid 180,000 RMB to learn how to sell breakfast on the street (now I know what she wanted that money for!). Someone really took her to the cleaners, despite me saying that was a really bad idea.
She's utterly shameless and idiotic. She also gave my wife water with LEAD in it, and saw no harm in drinking it. WTF? We've been gone since the second day we announced her pregnancy, and haven't gone back.
Her mother also says we can't eat spicy food or it will burn the baby. Uh, what? We're also told to get "radiation-proof" clothing (ridiculous), among other things. She also lives in a house which could be used for biological terrorism since she's too lazy to even bother cleaning it.
Those aren't "values" I want for my children. I don't want them growing up being taught to "respect" uneducated buffoons who put them in danger constantly, and only think of themselves. They will, however, learn about Chinese culture, learn to speak Chinese, and all that good stuff. They'll be taught the truth, however.
My mother in law helps around the house a lot but she doesn't do much child raising. She's fine with that as she's older and I have 2 very young and active boys who would easily tire her out. My wife and I both have sort of flexible schedules so we can spend time with kids and take care of them well. That's really the key. If you don't want your in laws raising your kids then you have to take charge and devote as much time as possible to raising them even if that means changing or quitting a job or activity. Instructing them on what to do from the side never works, seen too many arguments and relationships totally broken over such issues (not only from foreign/Chinese couples but when both parents were Chinese).
It depends on the relationship you have with your spouse. We have agreed to raise our child our way. We consult together on the best way to train her and as head of the household, I have the final say on what happens with our child. There is no question about how our daughter will be raised, as my in-laws discovered very early.
The key is the pact between you and your partner in caregiving. If together you are firm and hold your ground, you can have your way. Culture smulture!
Hulk:
I see you got downvoted by a couple trolls. Here's something to balance that.
And yeah, same thing here.
In our situation, my in-laws are not allowed to raise our son and so on. Mostly is my selfishness, as I want to walk in underwear only at home and when come back from work, want to see only my wife and and son.
On the other hand, my wife parents are a bit old and tired of caring my brother-in-law son, he is 13 now and grandparents care about him still, while parents are somewhere for work, so I am not that bad, let they care also about our son in this age. both have reach 60years. Also, they are not able to live in such big city like Shanghai, they will be boring and can not pay those prices for vegetable, if they used to have for free out of garden or from village market ... this will take long time to adjust themself to this, and all the troubles around ...
For visit, 1-2 month, no problema, but living together is not acceptable for me. My wife stay at home, caring our son very well, even she feel tired, is the best what she can do. I told her so many times her work is great, many times she want to give up, get some ayi, but finaly she see the fruit of her work and is very happy for al those first steps, first words, first everything, which she can see by own eyes and hear by own ears. I do some small help in homeworks, I wish I can do more. But at least I bring some cash to home
You know, when your grands give you a call : your son today said his first word ! -ok, what was it ? - nai nai. - arrrgh. He made first steps -- uhmmm, i did not see it today he ate rice with chopsticks, next time we will make a video for you ...
how comes, are you still father/mother when you set up life this way ?
Another busy day at work, that's why I wrote so much :D
Nessquick:
And when comes the situation, that we are strongly thinking about moving to Europe for life and education, than comes this : No, impossible, we like you and your son soo much. We can not handle in our heart, you will stay so far away from us. We will borrow money for you, let you can buy house ( shitty tiny flat) in Shanghai ( let you can breath the polluted air and drink pork soup from faucet more ) - On the village, they do not have time to watch tv, and if they watch sometimes the news, they simply do not know nothing about the problems we face everyday. Just seeing chinese people buy 300tons of gold in HK, which means everyone is superrich, only we are not ? :(
My mother-in-law lives with us permanently and does a lot of the day to day looking after our daughter. However, it was made very clear early on that she does so according to my rules, which are pretty strict 'western' standard rules. I am fortunate enough to be able to spend plenty of time at home and I monitor my daughter constantly to ensure there is no back-sliding. So far we've had no issues, indeed my mother-in-law appears to be fully on my side on this, my wife gets a bit concerned that I am too strict but so far any concerns have been talked through with no issues.
I do envisage this getting much more difficult from September when she starts Kindergarten though, I can tell my family what to do, but when she is one child in a class full it will be more difficult, I foresee more tantrums and tears in the evenings unless my daughter learns to do as I say regardless of what her 'teachers' say. Of course if the teachers go too far they will be told my continued custom is dependent on their adaptation.
omgosh..I also have a 2 1/2 year old daughter with a Chinese man. The relationship with his family became very strained and I actually ran back to the US with her for awhile to get away from it all. I could not bear the way they took care of her. I am going back soon and we are planning for baby number 2 so I hope things get better. the hygeine/cleanliness differences caused the most stress....it really is a "tribe" thing in China.
I want to ask all of you who married a Chinese national about the process? I'm from the UK and don't know anything about papers, permissions marriage visa etc?!? I don't even know where to start!!
mikael84:
You should probably make a new question for this.
If you want to get married in China, let your future wife/husband call the government office from the city where her/his hukou is.
If you want to marry in the UK you should call your embassy in China or your local government place and ask for help.
xinyuren:
Actually there is a question about this already. Do a search.
ChengduPat:
In short, to bring foreign national to UK, you need a spouse visa (min £18,600 income), get a marriage visa (good for 6 months) or have alot of cash in the bank!..other options too.... Coming here get your certificate of non marriage or whatever it's called from commissioner for oaths or equivalent (UK) and have a civil ceremony here. Then change to a spouse visa (you cannot work here then).
My Chinese inlaws ;dont have any say about how to bring up our baby boy.they dont live with us.so its just me and my wife looking after our baby.and its way better than having the inlaws around.
My Chinese inlaws ;dont have any say about how to bring up our baby boy.they dont live with us.so its just me and my wife looking after our baby.and its way better than having the inlaws around.
MIL was constantly trying to tell us how to raise our kid. We're in 'murica now, and she can only sing lullabys on the internet, and sometimes scream at my wife to the point where she's crying, and my baby is crying too, and I just wanna reach through the computer and RAGE SMASH HER FACE AGAINST THE WALL.
She's gotten better now. We basically tell her to just "believe science and not superstition and old wives tales." Actually, my wife does that. Since I'm the token white/red guy, I just smile and look at the camera upside down.