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Posts: 112

Governor

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Q: What would you do if your bf accused you of sajiao?

Lately my Mexican bf often accuses me of acting like a spoiled child (sajiao) when I simply made a short command over and over again thinking he might have chosen not to hear me or to forget what I said ("Get rid of the garbage!" "Time to cook!").  I can assure you I didn't sit on the floor screaming and wiggling my body like a four year old.  And actually I don't enjoy issuing repeated commands to people, especially to grownups who by all means should know how to do things properly without being pushed. What can I do? 

 

8 years 49 weeks ago in  Relationships - China

 
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Shifu

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Do it yourself?

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Posts: 928

Shifu

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Tell ole Pancho to grab his banjo and hit the road. I'll know you succeeded when I hear him coming down the street playing a sad song.

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Shifu

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Do it yourself?

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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Are you working or are you a lady of leisure? Is your boyfriend working? If you aren't working why don't you so it ? You don't want him leaving you, do you? 

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Emperor

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Do you nag and whine like a baby when he doesn't do what you want as soon as you want it? Do you act like he doesn't love you because he doesn't listen? Do you repeat his name over and over... like a broken record even though you know he heard you but he just doesn't WANT to respond? 

 

Do you pout and make duck faces when you are upset? Are you very easy to upset?

 

If so, then yes... you are one of those annoying immature sa jiao types. Grow up.

 

 

 

 

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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You have more or less answered your own question:

You "made a short command over and over again".

Do you think your bf  is a paid employee of yours, a servant or in the army?

If so, you are on the way to being single again.

maybe try 'asking' him/negotiating about who does what.

Don't try the stupid expression: "if you love me you will......" - no-one likes a crude attempt at emotional blackmail, least of all someone who you may or may not hope to marry as this is a fore-taste of how the relationship will go.

 

What can you do?
Treat your bf like an adult if you want to keep him.

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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This post screams spoiled Chinese kid.. I hate to say that but it's true. If you're so unhappy about it dump him!

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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You haven't mentioned any specifics of your work and domestic situation so I can't say if it wss reasonable to expect him to cook etc. That said...honey, most men do NOT respond well to the word 'command' or the idea of being commanded (and indeed, nor do most women, if MrA tried to order me to do stuff he'd find himself a single man very quickly).

So, either you're an arrogant nag or he's a lazy man-child. Neither of these are good.

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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To answer the headline question, though, if I were accused of being a spoiled child, I WOULD be rolling around on the floor, in laughter: he'd really have to be losing an argument to come up with something that ridiculous. I can say with 100% confidence that I am neither spoilt nor.childish

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Firstly, I'd be questioning my sexuality! I'm fairly certain I'm not into guys, so why the hell do I suddenly have a boyfriend???

 

(unless 'bf' actually means "best friend".. in which case - ok, I'll bite...).

 

If someone has called me a sajiao, I'd be looking at my own behaviour to see if there's any justification for it. If not, then I'd tell him to pull his finger out and see what he's doing - or not doing - and do it!

 

Are things 'fair'? Do you do X amount of housework, and he's expected to cook and take out the garbage? Or, is it decidedly unfair, and you're expecting him to do things beyond a 'fair' level of exchange??

 

I'm hoping (possibly like the other posters here) that your command of English has let you down a little, and you've used the wrong word.. (heh - see the pun in there?? Tongue) Perhaps you actually meant to say 'request'...

 

I'm going to presume that you're not an immature little girl, and the issue on this thread is communication - not attitude. Although, there is clearly a communication problem as well, at your home.

 

This general issue - of people not doing things they've agreed to do (or, for that matter, even bothering to acknowledge or answer a request) is something I've had to deal with most of my life. I HATE it! A simple "Is it ok if you...?" - no response. Ask again... no response. Fine, Fk you - I'll do it myself, and never bother asking for your help again, as you've shown you can't be relied on. Don't be surprised if you find I'm not in your life anymore.

 

(pls note, ppl - this isn't a "Sorry, I can't, because..." - this is a deliberate non-answer, or non-compliance to pre-agreed things!!!)

 

I'll go with MissA's last line (because I commanded her to write it Laughing out loud :D Laughing out loud Tongue)  Either, you are a sajiao, or he's a lazy man-child. Either way, you have to take a good look at yourself and what your doing - and change something.

 

(Apparently, the 'right' thing to do is to sit down and discuss calmly with him how you feel when he ignores you, or doesn't do the things he agreed to do in an appropriate timeframe.  I'm not quite like that - I tend to just say "Hey, you said you'd X - you haven't, for the 3rd time in a row - this need to change now, cos it's really fkn disrespectful and rude!")

flyingheart:

Right you are, request! Thank you!

8 years 49 weeks ago
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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Uh, what was it Jeremy Clarkson said about Mexicans ? ..... in any case, had he not been forcefully removed from the best TV show in the world, he would most likely eventually have barfed up a comment like "all Chinese are like spoiled kids"

This is a challenge for any relationships with a Chinese. No matter how well founded a Chinese persons seems, they are most often capable of very childish responses when faced with even minor obstacles. 

royceH:

Who's he?  What show is that?

8 years 49 weeks ago
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Stiggs:

the show is called top gear, if you're a car man you'll love it.

8 years 49 weeks ago
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MissA:

I'm sure that was sarcasm, stiggs, Top Gear is massive in Oz.

8 years 49 weeks ago
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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for your replies. Some of them are very enlightening and all indicate the writers' genuine concerns about family education in China. I really do appreciate that. I'm writing this because I feel obligated to clarify a few things so I won't feel like I've wasted your time.

 

I believe my bf loves me in his own ways, or otherwise he would have left me long ago.  He's a fine man. Humble, kind, serious, empathetic, respectful, with a lovely dose of guilty conscience when he thinks he has done something wrong. These qualities fit in my upbringing. I'm the only child in my family, but we are more of a Stoic type than most Chinese families. My parents and I went through very difficult times in our lives. My father almost fainted due to hunger when he was young. My mother moved to live with her aunt in Western China so she could have food and a job. Probably these bad experiences had entered their blood streams and then went into the fetus me. According to my parents, when I was one or two years old, I saw a street vendor selling roast quails, and I looked like I wanted to eat one. My father offered to buy me one, but I shook my head and mumbled something like "we are poor." I'm still like that. I'm pretty good at managing or can I say stifling my materialistic desires. And I taught myself all the skills I have because I want to be self-sufficient. The "commands" I listed in my root post don't really happen often. When they did and do happen, there are very specific preconditions I rather not disclose here.

 

Generally, however, I think anyone, as along as they are not too mentally ill, can do everything on their own in one way or another. If you don't want to cook, just eat out or mae a call to get the food delivered. If you don't want to empty those dust bins, get a maid to do it. If you feel lonely, travel, make friends, watch a movie or read a book. If you want to have a child, adopt one. But from a utilitarian point of view (most of us are utilitarians), what's the point of finding a life partner if you can do everything yourself?

 

It's probably because you know you need the other person, who can make you a better man/woman. A relationship is meaningful and healthy and can last long only if a couple needs each other's strengths and therefore become less weak as individuals. It's a two-person team. You act upon my plan if you think I'm a better planner than you are. I'll let you do the financial stuff if I think you're better at maths and logical thinking. Either team member has the right to urge the other to get things done. The team cannot be efficient or sustainable if either party delays action thinking the other that she/he is just trying to boss around or get control over everything or, in my case, "act like a spoiled child."  The truth may be that you (or "I") lack something the other has that you cannot see.

 

The child in us never dies, whether we are 8 or 80. Of course  I can't let my child-like self out in front of my clients or that man who walks past on the street. I can't act like a child when I talk to business owners, doctors, or that charming girl who stands behind the counter. But why shouldn't I let her out once in a while when I can get relaxed with the three dearest people in this world: mom, dad, and the man with whom I share my life? Besides, that child has changed already. She won't cry for ice cream any more. She will shut up and leave if her wish is not granted. I never wished she would grow up. Life will become dull without her. Let me keep her, please.

 

 

coineineagh:

You are romanticising your petulence and selfishness by calling it "the child in you". So many Chinese people are disfunctional from peer pressure and mistreatment. It's not the 'child' aspect that causes you to be petty and belligerent in your relationship, it's a life of bad education and bad behaviour that causes it. How on Earth do you think your civilized boyfriend can "get relaxed" at home, if you wage war with him all the time? You reap what you sow; partners will reciprocate bad behaviour. If you can't moderate your own behaviour, your BF will stop taking you seriously. He will stop listening to the enslaught, and eventually he will leave.

8 years 49 weeks ago
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Hulk:

You sound like a CIA agent. It's very difficult to maintain a different style of writing across many different personalities. wink

8 years 49 weeks ago
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jetfire9000:

" But from a utilitarian point of view (most of us are utilitarians):

 

Utilitarianism doesn't explain attraction...  For example, when meeting my current other half, I never once considered it important how much she swept floors, washed dishes, or even translated Chinese.  I have undertaken all of these things myself :o)

 

 

8 years 49 weeks ago
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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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I believe situations like this sum up why a lot of people are quite content being single. Who needs this kind of drama on a daily basis over very simple things like "take out the garbage". 

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Emperor

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-"Get rid of the garbage!" "Time to cook!"

-" over and over again".

 

 

What could have possibly gone wrong? Men love that after all!

 

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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If you lived alone you would have to take the garbage out yourself...so it do!  otherwise, soon you will be living alone...........

MissA:

Two people make significantly more rubbish than one; if she lived alone she'd have less rubbish to worry about.

8 years 49 weeks ago
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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
Posts: 224

Governor

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Commands, is he your servant or dog? He will leave you soon if you keep this up. Stop being a silly and lazy. 

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Shock collar?  

 

I hear that is an effective way to train a pet.

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8 years 49 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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this is not a real person, this is someone messing with us

Hotwater:

Why are you dragging up lots of old topics?

8 years 45 weeks ago
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Beautifulsoup:

I do not have time to sit on this site all day like some of you.  Things pop up on my screen when they do, sorry for following the links.  In the future I will try to put my life on hold to wait for new topics to come up so I can respond in a timely manner as to not aggravate you.  I am so sorry I do not put this forum first in my life

8 years 45 weeks ago
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