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Posts: 1197

Shifu

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Q: What's the best way to handle unreasonable in-laws?

I've heard many horror stories but I've developed my own way of dealing with it. When they do something I don't like, I don't call or visit them for quite a while. That usually works but sometimes I have to really tell them what's up. Has anyone learned a good way to deal with them? Aside from moving very far away?

12 years 14 weeks ago in  Family & Kids - China

 
Answers (7)
Comments (9)
Posts: 149

Governor

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move farther away

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12 years 14 weeks ago
 
Posts: 3025

Emperor

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Since the "family" concept in China is a lot stronger than what we Westeners are used to, I will recommend to you some patience in dealing with in-laws.  That is, if you value and want to continue your relationship with wife or GF, whatever she may be.
I know of many cases where Chinese Lady chose to obey parents rather than stay with husband.  And I mention this with the purpose to get your mind on the right track.
Many Chinese elders are not fully saisfied with a foreigner in law.  While some do receive you with open arms, many will not fully trust you with their daughters.
So, you need patience in building up their confidence level and a stronger acceptance.
That does not mean for you to become a "yes man", nor to submit to unreasonable requests.  What it means is to even when refusing to do as asked, do it in a nice way, offer explanations as to why it is not done the way they wish it to happen.  If they still continue to be obnoxious towards you, then in a nice way do place some distance between the two of you.  And above all, make sure your wife/GF is well aware of what is goiung on, and your reasons for your actions.

beaufortninja:

In-laws freaked out at my wife because we got internet at our apartment. They say we're wasting money. Apparently they forgot that I have to make international calls to my family an ocean away. So now they refuse to help us get invoices for my school's housing allowance. She's convinced they're in the wrong too. I could live my life without ever seeing them again but that's impossible for her. Just looking for other opinions. Thanks for the advice.

12 years 14 weeks ago
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GuilinRaf:

Maybe if you show them a side by side comparison of internet bill and long distance phone bill they will calm down. No guarantee, but I have often been saved annoyances if I bring almost any scrap of evidence.

12 years 14 weeks ago
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nevermind:

Tell them to f-off, it's not the cultural revolution and the internet is what the radio was to them 50 years ago, only it tells the truth (depending) Also, I actually disagree that the family concept is stronger here. I find that one of the many myths about this place.

12 years 10 weeks ago
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12 years 14 weeks ago
 
Posts: 7204

Emperor

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the only thing iI can think of is try finishing the conversation with a kind word
at least you have the higher ground and you dont get off side with your wife.
sorry i dont have a better answer for you.

ps  Which skitso got a new personality for Christmas ? JC

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12 years 14 weeks ago
 
Posts: 5539

Emperor

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really there is no advice i could give except to have a real sit down conversation where i lay out a few options. either they be reasonable in-laws and not try to interfere in the marriage, or you move to a place so far away that she will never see her grand kids again, or you will divorce her daughter and make it clear that her parents are to blame.  i dont know what goes on in the minds of some of the people here they are petty, illogical (their answer to fixing a leaky roof in the living room is to turn on the light in their neigbors bathroom), they believe their children are property

crimochina:

and what jackass gave this question a thumbs down?

12 years 14 weeks ago
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TedDBayer:

I wish the negative maniac would just get banned, he and his army of anoms are just here to be annoying, I posted comments on his posts and got banned. I used a 3 letter word. Admin doesn't seem to notice that the negatives from this person are abuse.

12 years 14 weeks ago
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crimochina:

when it is this clear someone is using multiple accounts for this purpose .. but then again if the govt is attacking the site by using him then it is better than them just shutting it down

12 years 13 weeks ago
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12 years 14 weeks ago
 
Posts: 38

Governor

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Haha, good question, I'm trying to figure that out myself since my husband is Chinese and we have a beautiful 8 month old son..
It's a tough situation, especially when it comes to raising a child. According to chinese culture I am supposed to let my mother in law be in charge and I should not even attempt at changing a nappy. I made it clear from the start that this is not the way it works in my family and I am trying to put my foot down at least on the big issues like sleeping, feeding and bathing...sometimes it works better than others. we've had some major fights and the final decision my husband and I have made is that we'll move out soon. We will still see them and grandma will still take care of my child when we both work, but at least we will be with him most of the time and we will learn to be a real family, without major interferences all the time. I agree with crimochina, they do believe children are property: in addition to that they treat their 30year old sons like 5yr olds! As I said, it's challeging and frustrating at times. You definitely have to learn to speak up (and be louder!) to make your voice heard and gain respect. Oh, and repeat things a million times, especially those that really matter to you. Otherwise they'll just play the "oops I forgot about that" game.

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12 years 10 weeks ago
 
Posts: 3318

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I'm lucky, my wife HATES her parents and goes out of her way to keep them out of our lives. I even asked her "When we move to Canada, will you invite them to come stay with us?"
She replied, "One of the reasons I want to move there is I know they can't get a visa to come visit."

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12 years 10 weeks ago
 
Posts: 15

Governor

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Unfortunately for me...we have been living with my in-laws. I've learned to stomach my mother-in-laws anti me conversations as much as possible. I just keep reminding myself that I'm being the bigger person by giving her time with her grandkids, and that someday she won't get this chance again.

My father-in-law is a completely different matter...I call him dog (yes even to his face). He's a complete asshole and the ONLY reason why anyone talks to him is because he likes to look for people in the house. My husband's parents actually got a divorce last year but he still refuses to leave the house. I've gone way past patience and I'm openly hoping for him to die of lung cancer. When I first moved in with them he told my husband and I straight out that he didn't have to be happy that we had kids because we don't have boys...girls don't count. He won't even answer them when they try to talk to him...they are 4 and 2. But even then I really really tried to get it through to him that I was his last chance (my husband never wanted to move near his father and his younger sister is already planning on moving away once she gets married) to be part of the family...he called me (and my daughters) cows to my face. He EVEN had the balls to INVITED a KNOWN SEX OFFENDER to stay at the house and even DEFENDED him- that 'uncle' had been molesting his nephew for the past 7 years!!!! End of story- If is outside of the room I will tell him to leave, if he is going to a party I refuse to go...basically it's open war.

crimochina:

i hate to say this and i mean no offense by this. why are you putting your children through that. they are at an age when they are very impressionable. you need to grab your hubby by the balls and say we go live far away! if the mother in law is respectful to the kids then she can hang around. (but i would personally put a spy cam on her when she's alone with the kids she might do her shAt secretly) forget property forget money if he wont leave the house everyone else leaves him and the house so he can die alone in it. le me borrow sth from the white house disrespecting kids and spewing your racist , nationalist trash to innocence is a red line. i mean no offense by this but it is one thing to spew venom at adults but it is intolerable to spew venom at 2 and 4 year olds , all they need to know and experience at that age is love and warmth.

12 years 10 weeks ago
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GuilinRaf:

Bravo Crimo, I wish I could thumbs up you!

12 years 10 weeks ago
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derek:

A well laid out, strong comment Crimo......necessary too.

12 years 10 weeks ago
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12 years 10 weeks ago
 
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