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Q: Why do I come off as the bad guy?
How am I supposed to get through the next year with my wife's mother here? I appreciate her help, I do, and I respect her, she's had a harder life than I care to imagine, plus I happen to know she stood up to the Red Guard when they tried to get her to off someone and almost got herself killed in the process. She is without doubt wholly and entirely deserving of the utmost respect. But she smells like a rugby players jockstrap, she really does, and every time I suggest to my wife that locking the toilet door so I don't keep walking in on her on the crappier, or using washing up liquid when she does the dishes, or putting just a smattering of antiperspirant under her arms would make for a happier living environment, I come off as the bad guy. Are these such unreasonable requests?
Thanks for sharing 
. That leaves me with a wonderful image before bed.
Did you think having the MIL move in would be a good thing? Chinese have their own life styles but old people really slow down and often just don't have enough ambition to do every day chores. Things that they could do in minutes now take hours. Bathing everyday may not seem necessary. It could be worse. My old cats don't groom themselves, I have to lick them.
You are the bad-guy because you are disrespecting your MIL because she is old.
it wouldn't matter if the MIL was the re-incarnation of Vlad the Impaler, if you say anything, especially to someone about a family member who they have a good relationship with, you will always come off as the bad guy.
You are the outsider.
try the indirect approach like burning incense to overcome any smells, or one of those things on the tops of doors that closes them automatically. You wife is probably not going to approach the MIL at all about any of the afore-mentioned challenges you have.
this begs the question as to how you managed to be blessed with the MIL for a year
mArtiAn:
I'm blessed with her for a year because she's dutiful enough to give up her time to help with our kids (I really am the bad guy). She can't help the way she was raised, she really don't think she's worth a bar of soap, bless her, the smelly old bag, she's from another world.
Haha...
Sounds like you are in a situation where you are trapped with the MIL with no way out. I think you already know how this works. If you try to give advice, you are the bad guy automatically.
You may need to take drastic measures to get out of this one... you will slowly go insane.
mArtiAn:
Slowly? I think you underestimate the situation. I woke up last night running naked down the street wearing nothing but a pair of this woman's enormous knickers as a cape. I'm at the end of my tether.
Robk:
Yeah, I was hoping it was slowly... but I knew it would be REALLY FAST.
Your solutions are as follows:
- move out for a year and live somewhere else
- find a job in another city (hope the MIL doesn't follow)
- divorce your wife (or threaten to and see if she comes to her senses)
- leave China and take your wife (MIL probably will not want to follow)
- find a local job for your MIL to do... like work in a shop or something to keep her busy and away from the house at most times.
Shining_brow:
Crap - this thread is now locked (WTF???) So I have to do a comment rather than a post (I hope Rob doesn't mind I put it on here.. but his advice is sort of similar).
Martian - I think you've missed a HUGE element of this whole thing... while you're all talking up your respect for your MIL, you've completely overlooked her TOTAL disrespect for YOU!!!
She is in YOUR house! She should follow YOUR rules!!! She is deliberately INSULTING you by flagrantly disregarding your 'rule' to close the door when she craps! She is flagrantly disrespecting you when she stinks in the midsts of your apartment, making it difficult to live there. She is clearly not interested in anything you think when she doesn't bother using soap or detergent on YOUR dishes!
My suggestion is - tell her this - DIRECTLY - "Dear MIL... do you realise that I've rasked you nicely many times to close the door, and to use soap etc - and you've completely ignored me. This shows that you have NO respect for me AT.ALL! I do not appreciate being ignored. I am an intelligent human being, who deserves to be treated with some respect. Why do you think I am not worthy of yours? I married your daughter - do you think she is a complete moron for choosing me?" ... etc etc etc.
If she gives you the "but this is China, these are our customs.. you don't understand" BS... then kindly (or not) remind her that SHE'S IN YOUR HOUSE!!!
(BTW - "she stood up to the Red Guard and could have been killed"... yeah, the SS did the same in WWII... would you respect them as much? We all have our beliefs, we sometimes get tried for them... this, to me, isn't worth allowing someone to walk all over you!)
Walk in while she's on the crapper, and slap her in the snapper.
When her armpits are producing nasty bunk, then just punch her in the junk.
When she's washing dishes without soap, call the police after planting dope.
That'll teach her, martin. You have to prove your alpha-manliness.
mArtiAn:
Hey man, if I slap 'er, punch or kick 'er, and get caught up in 'er knickers, i'm as good as dead you see, 'cause that fat bitch'll prob'ly pee on me. Some toxic alien waste'll burn off half o' mArtiAn's face, an' the next thing she'll start fartin'. PS: Who the fu** is Martin?
Hulk:
LISTEN, BETA MAN.... IT'S TIME TO GET ALPHA AS FUCK. IF YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR WOMAN IN LINE, SHE'LL KEEP YOU IN LI------*SMMMMMMMMMMMMMMACK* uh.... I have to go.
You should consider hiring a Filipino nanny.
diverdude1:
Insure the whole family (less noticeable that way) then 'help' her cross the street in front of a 7-Series Beemer. Ka ching! Win Win situation.
First of all, you did this too yourself. You listened to all the crap of how your wife doesnt want someone watching her kids, she can trust her mom ( who is old and probably not much safer) and you thought about all the money you would save and now your screwed.
Secondly, and im probably gonna sound like the bad guy here but you grossly misjudged your wife. If she is going to shit on you for even mentioning anything that makes you uncomfortable in your own damn house, your not compatible. If she feels nothing when she constantly has to watch her mother crap, your not compatible. And if she doesnt want to jump out the window just to get fresh air, you are not compatible.
You made all of those choices and now your stuck. Divorce sounds like a real possibility in the future, but any fix is going to be drastic.
Rent an apartment nearby. Have your MIL live there. Tell your wife she has no damn choice. Send your momma packing back to wherever she came from and pay for a nanny.
Or why dont you just speak to her directly? Say listen woman you stank. Fix it because no one likes you.
Your gonna have to man up at some point.
I dont understand these types of relationships. Its your wife she should support you and try to fix it before you even complain. She should already know. My wife would beat the shit out of her own mother before I ever had a chance to watch her crap twice.
Once i had a beach holiday with her extended family, and my wife knows hairy armpits make me puke. I cant handle it but i cant look away. Before we left she went down the line and made every single parent aunt and cousin shave. For my protection and for her own. I didnt even know anything untill we got back home. Shes proactive. BTW her family wasnt pissed. Very willing. They just dont always know. And theyll never know if no one speaks. Perhaps your mom would appreciate the sentiment of buying her some pit sticks.
coineineagh:
Kids involved. Don't advise people with kids to divorce. That's as ignorant and inconsiderate as it gets. I had this problem a long time with unbearable MIL, and wife too. I just did what FIL does to bear his marriage: Live and work far away, so you need to live in a different place. Nowadays, I see my family 3 nights a week, and we appreciate each other's presence more. Now it has become more bearable, but I wouldn't want to move back in full-time. Chinese simply don't understand the concept of me-time and never will. But part time, you can see your in-laws will make an effort to spend quality time together. Full-time expat+Mainlander=Tense unhappy family. Part-time expat+Mainlander=Quality time, happy family. Divorced Mainlander, expat sends child support=ruined childhood for kids.
mArtiAn:
I'm 45, I know who i'm compatible with and with the missus I definitely am. We've got 8 years behind us and we've spent it almost exclusively in each other's company. It's not like she jumps down my throat the moment I complain, she's tried to sort these problems out when i've brought them up, but her mum doesn't seem to learn, she's kind of pig-headed. And the wife's naturally a little defensive, it's her mother. Truth is this post is really just a vent, I don't expect things to change, though suggesting I speak to her herself about these problems is actually good advice, it'd probably bring us closer together. Which is frightening 'cause she smells.
mike695ca:
@coin, i didnt advise anyone to divorce. I stated that it looks like a prime situation for it. But since you brought it up, anyone who is running from his family life 4 days out of 7 and plans to keep it that way should probably not speak his opinion. Real dad of the year. " Daddy why are you always gone? Is it for money?" " No son, i just cant stand being around you guys". @martian. This place is for venting so feel free. We all sympathize. Its just that vents sound like thruths in a forum where we only hear one side of the story, and i reply accordingly. I didnt call your wife anything rude, and i wouldnt. But you certainly made it seem that she could be more supportive.
Mike is right (I can't believe I'm saying that). You and anyone else with MIL issues, made the choice to marry into that situation.
You don't have to be desperate in order to get a beautiful wife. You can afford to be a little patient and wait for the right situation to marry into.
Make it very clear to who ever you are dating that you are looking to create your own family and household, completely independent from the parents.
Do not let them use culture as an excuse to fuck up your peace.
We don't live with our in-laws it's easier that way. Once my MIL tried to make me feel bad because the room we were in was a little dusty. I pointed out that it was her son's job to dust that room and she was so embarrassed. Then I also opined out that we foreigners wash everyday and someone who doesn't bath at least once a week does she. Any say how,clean a house should be. She never gave me trouble again. Plus I am more educated than she is.
