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Q: Why don't Chinese children say, "I love you" to their parents?
Well, hey! If your parents constantly reminded you that you're not as good as other children and that you owe them a living...how much love would you have in your heart?
Pragmatism...they don't need to express their love...it's just understood.
Have you ever heard a Chinese parent say that to their child? I haven't. Even after years of not seeing her daughter, my ex's parents never gave her a hug. Never. They were pretty indifferent about her. Same with my wife.
In China, the way to express love is not from words, they do actions to show that such as buying sweet things- a scarf ,a pair of shoes etc . Or they said other words to instead that, such as "wear more cloths in winter" or other regard words. Children and Parents could feel that.
That's why they don't tell each other "I love you".
Simple reason.
Hulk:
You can't buy love. If you can't tell someone you love them, then you don't.
xinyuren:
That's lame. I always turn this answer around and ask: "Do you like it when someone expresses in words that they love you?" They always say yes. Then I say, then why don't you say it to the ones you love? No answer. Hulk's got it right. Out of the heart come words thru the mouth.
So everyone naturally likes to hear the words, but in China, noone speaks them. Lame.
derek:
"Wear more clothes" is nothing more than common sense. It has squat to do with love of any kind.
Hulk and xinyuren are 100%right in my opinion.
ArthurS:
Don't judge one culture with standard of another culture. They have no traditional habit to say "I love you". They do action. There is no relation with money. Sometime we needn't to ask why, the only reason is "culture". like different color of face.
ArthurS:
xiinyuren, You asked"express love by word" not "I love you". Between children and parents, especially old people, they fell bashful when "I love you" comes out. They find other ways to express it.
xinyuren:
Arthur, I specifically ask my Chinese friends if they would like their loved ones to say "i love you". They always say yes. Everyone likes to hear the words. Look at how many times you hear it in Chinese love songs. You can say it in a song, but you can't say to the closest person to you.
ArthurS:
Yes xinyuren, They feel bashful if their closest person said "I love you". It's to directly for them. People could sing songs which includes "I love you" .
But, younger lovers always say "I love you" directly or type SMS to his/her lover.
Between old parents (older than 45 years---I think)and their kids, the way to say "I love you" could by songs or SMS. Old parents are more traditional.
ArthurS:
BTW, In China there are lot's of word to instead "I love you". Such as "我很亲你" “我疼你” “我稀罕你” "我待见你" （it depend on different areas） they have the same meanings with "我爱你"
giadrosich:
"Don't judge one culture with standard of another culture."
I get so weary of hearing this line given to justify inadequacies in what should be self-evident. If you love someone, it is quite simple to say so. The mouth opens, words come out. Even if you weren't "raised that way," it takes very little imagination to understand that people who you care for should be told and (most likely), would like to hear it once in a while.
It's not a western thing. It's not an eastern thing. It's a human thing.
ArthurS:
giadrosich: Please check the words which I typed before your comment. You still deal this subject according to the western culture which you born and grew in. If you refuse to know more of the new culture, you will always complain in future with more culture conflict.
Please try to understand the 5000 years old culture, It's not a simple work to understand it in ten years.
The only people that I have seen cuddling little kids are foreign teachers. The only people I have seen playing with little kids are foreign teachers. Kind of covers it for me.
sadly the relationship between parents and their children is a business relationship.
ArthurS:
Don't try to understand a culture with presumption, before you research all of its aspects. You's better to read the book "The Analects". Then you could know something from essence. What you saw ,what you heard are not the real essence of something. If you always keep your eyes on the bad aspect or superficial things,everywhere will be not good.
I think the simplest answer is because they have never had their parents say the same words to them.
As my gf constantly points out...love in Chinese culture is implied through action and subtle means and not through words.
I really feel sorry for most children here...because without that validation from their parents how do you expect them to ever feel good about themselves and be confident?
I know it's a cultural thing but it's something I will never understand.
nevermind:
What need of love is there when the party is there to love?
I never said I love you to my parents either man. And I love my parents, they're great.
No why.
But if you don't buy me the Apple 3-piece set, then you don't really love me.....wait, what?
In different cultures, there lots of difference of living. The same with food, the western food and eastern food, some Chinese people couldn't stand the flavor of olive oil , could they say olive oil is bad? the expression of love is different too, western grown up in the family which always said"I love you". you couldn't understand the family which has no"I love you".
Noted: I add quotation market.
I actually agree with what ArthurS said above (so I upvoted it), and I think his commentators mistook his explanation to mean that the relationship between parents is solely economic.
From pretty much everything I've read about interpersonal relations in China, I've come to understand that lots of things that we (Westerners or whatever) may directly say out loud to others is transmitted much more subtly in Chinese culture. This is a commonly brought up point when it comes to using and developing "guanxi" between people, and its why foreigners new to China are oftentimes really freaking confused by what's going on, because nothing is directly said to anyone. It's said indirectly through a bunch of actions which we don't understand at first (or ever, as is my case).
More to the point, in the case of saying "I love you", it's totally weird to us, who have been using/hearing this word our whole lives not to hear it here. But while the relationship between children and parents is debatably more economic in China than, say in the US (due to a ton of social/economic reasons), I don't think its fair to assume that there is no love between them. For me personally, I've come to understand that when my girlfriend's family says something like "wear more clothes in the winter" that this is their way of saying "we care about you and your health". It's the same way that Chinese strangers will complement your rudimentary Chinese (because they don't give a shit about you really), but Chinese relatives will say that your Chinese is terrible, even after studying it for a decade. They are expressing that they want you to improve, because, once again, they care about your future.
This is a good question, which showcases a major difference between China and some "Western" cultures.
Thank you Arthur for your explanation, you do more in your brief time on this board with your level of English than I have managed in a much longer time here with English as my first language.
However, be aware, there are some here who don't WANT to understand, sad, but true.
