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Q: Why would a Chinese not want to tell their friends that they are dating a foreigner?
Got this idea for a question from a previous question.
What are any known reasons for this?
It ain't exactly a Jew dating a Muslim type scenario.
12 years 8 weeks ago in Relationships - China
Depending on the crowd, they could not like foreigners and dating one could cause her to lose some of her friends, or at least their respect for her.
She could have another boyfriend that they already know about.
She isn't serious about the relationship and is keeping her options open.
GuilinRaf:
Certain government jobs do not allow the employees to date or marry foreigners. For example: Police, Army or any other security related field.
Another has another guy, or wants a chance for another guy.
Extremely raciest "Han only" friends and/or family.
Or she could just really hate to be the center of attention, and dating a laowai would bring her to the front on a lot of conversations until someone else can top it in the gossip world.
Maybe they don't want thier friends asking to meet him/her because they want to practice thier English.
y8321cn:
Yes, I think this is the most possible reason. But if I were dating a foreign girl, I would not deliberately avoid telling my friends that my girlfriend comes from another country. Of course I won't boast about either in case people think I'm showing off. ( I'm a Chinese man).
I would dare to state that many Chinese Ladies, once they land a laowai boyfriend, are quite happy with it, and for them it will even be a gain on "face" if her friends knew of the existance of the laowai in her life.
Now, with that been said, one that does not want her friends to know about the existance of a foreign BF, to me will be an instant RED FLAG. And it could be from a number of reasons, some simple and not really of great importance, some could be worrisome to a large extent.
I will not make guesses, but it will be sufficient to say that it coud be because she is in her 30's and he in his 60's, maybe she is tall and he is short, bald and heavy set. It also coud be that she really has no interest in the fellow, just in for whatever she can get in a few months, then out. Or even worse ones.
Each case will have its own particular reason, and thus different. If I am ever faced with that situation, I will be very concerned and will seriously consider terminating the relationship very quickly.
I will close with a friend's experience. He met locally a real nice and beautiful Lady, and fell for her bad. SHE ALSO SEEMED TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM, but refused firmly for my friend to tell others that tehy were dating, much less getting serious about each other. My friend was devastated, this Lady was chased by many laowais locally, she is a real beauty. I expressed to him my thoughts, and we decided to do a bit of investigating quietly.
To our attonishment, we discovered that about 15 different foreigners were given her a monthly amount in different quantities to help her survive and have a better life, and also with the hope of getting in her pants eventually. If she allowed my friend to tell others that they were a couple now, her "little business" will come to an end, and she did not want that. She was getting close to 4,000 Rmb per month from these very intelligent gentlemen, and in all honestly, she was not giving a thing in return. And you know what, I do not hate her for that, she was smart, and the gentlemen were very stupid
may be because they still wana have chance with Chinese when they r done with u
Because of big shame.
When seeing a chinese dating a foreigner she is consider either:
1) Slut
2)Whore/Ktv girl
3)Traitor
4)Selfish money hungry pig
5)Attention whore
6) In todays China, especially big city, she is looked down
7) Poor girl
and the foreigner men is seen as
1) Perverts
2) Asian fetish
3) Playboys
4) Can´t nail girl from their own race
5) Assholes
6) Traitors
7) Arrogants
thedude:
I take it your a Chinese male with serious insecurity issues?
dharma86:
Lol, a bit of an extreme point of view. Sure foreigners are portrayed as playboys who are going to love you and leave you but that's just a small minority ruining things for the rest. It's the same as the classic Chinese girl marrying the foreigner, going back to their country, getting the green card and waving bye bye. Sure they may exist, but it's not widespread. To have that opinion that these are the main reasons for Chinese girls not saying they date foreigners is a bit far-fetched.
kchur:
laoban your screen name is even more annoying than your first post.
Laoban:
I know I would get flamed for saying that, but thats the truth, if you ppl can´t handle it, then you can´t. Why do they avoids if it was not true? Gosh! 70% of the Asian community belives so, thats include Korea and JApan. (99% of japans population are homo-genus)
MrTibbles:
With comments like these and that attitude, I think that any Chinese woman would be smart as hell to date a foreigner if people like you are what they have to choose from.
Laoban:
Your answere just show how arrogant and selfish your are mr tribles. You are basing a mere opinion from one person that the whole chinese population are assholes. How can you see just but my opinion make me treats my lady bad? If you really want to know, I treat them like princesses and would never dare to do anything to harm them. If you can´t handle the truth, then you can´t, you are living in abnegation. Your defense system kicks in, sorry, just look yourself in the mirror before making such comment.
MrTibbles:
What? YOU are the person that said "when CHINESE see"... so obviously you see this as a common mindset. Hate to tell you this buddy, but the world isn't separated into Chinese and Not-Chinese. There is one race, the HUMAN race. Maybe you should consider joining it. My wife is Chinese and does not fit into the 1-7 listing you posted and I don't fit in the 1-7 about foreigners. I don't care if you treat a girl like a princess, if you agree with what you posted, you are an ignorant tool.
Laoban:
Stop acting like a spoiled child and realize the real fact. Thats also apply to westerners, not only chinese! Did u think that White person are really looking up for mixed marriage? Read and experience more about your own media and folks, and you will understand. But I guess your yellow fever made you deny that, because you are in such relationship which make you deny everything thats people think about this so called mixed marriage. And yes there is difference between white, yellow, red and white. No I do not hate other culture or treat other culture bad, but that is what I think of when I see that kind of mixing!
Thakkudu:
to a certain extend ... well 95%.. this is correct... 95% of cases i have seen chinese girls with foreign men (mostly grandfathers).. this is the case... rest 5% is having decent friendship... relationship with chinese
She might have already dated one and does not want her friends to think that she only dates foreign men or she is being taken advantaged of again.
because maybe she 's so shy ..
or maybe she afraid her friends to tell her parents,cause in CHINA some parents will forbid their daughter in love with a foreigner.
and etc...
Its not that she doesnt want to tell people she is dating a lao wai. Its that she doesnt want to tell people she is dating YOU.
depend upon which age you are dating, if they are students and studying in university, the main reason is that she will be much embarassed of the break up and chinese do satire about the issues and situation very openly. if she is middle age she may desired for the security and good future. she does desire that the foreigner shall stay with him forever. but to some extent many of the foreigners do not want to stay. so this relationship may cause a few depressing moments, comments, satires etc from the people around. the one which i have heard is that chinese men look down on the girls who date foreigners. they think local are better than outsiders.......
i can be wrong in my opinion........
My gf was initially very hesitant to tell anyone about our relationship. Why? Because she feared the backlash and loss of face if our relationship failed. Also her friends would think she was only dating me for money or prestige. She did not want others to judge her. It's been a year now and she is beyond that, but many Chinese girls have this feeling.
In addition to "money" or "prestige" - her friends will think she's a hooker.
because chinese believe in saving face. they are not sure how they will react.for example they think if u broke the relationship. people are going to say, she was playing with foreigners and now pretend to be good girl. because most chinese believe that the reason foreigners are in relationship with their people is because of sex n enjoyment.
I hate this idea from Chinese as you who comment here ! I was in a relationship with a Chinese man 3 years , but we never had sex !!! Foreigners are not for sex in relationships, we love real, this is the different between of foreigners and Chinese. And even a foreigner will ask a woman for sex to say, if the woman is Chinese woman, he will ask her just because he loves at her everything ! Not because he want to use her ! But in China , you marry a man without having sex, I understood this , but how about the instantly divorce in China after marriage if there is not anu connection between man and woman as match ??? Don;t you see that you judge foreigners wrong ? I tried to follow the chinese culture, as I said, I never had sex with this Chinese man, but at least i was felt horrible, even he done lots of things for me, if there is not also body attraction, is just like a food no have enough condiments and is not good. After this 3 years, the relationship was ended. Do you want to know why ? he has other girl for sex and he told me he don;t want to have sex before marriage ... Then why he found other girl for sex ??? I should do the same as him to find other man for sex and keep him for marriage only ??? Sorry, but this is horrible thing ! If a man in China do this, then how about after you marry him , have sex and he give you a illness because he had sex with previews girls ???
Really stupid culture, sorry.... I asked him why he helped me a lot or done other things for me ? Just to cheat me with other girl ? This is why western man want sex in relationship and some women same, it is not because we want a person for sex, it is because we want a single person in all only ! We don't use this way to find extra partner if already we are in a relationship ! And in a relationship and marriage also, sex means respect . A man or a woman need sex, right ? So if you as his /her partner not give him/her what him/her likes, but yyou preffer to give this to others, then this is not respect also not love for that person !
I was met perosns here who asked me " be good friends" with them, at least I found out that in china this saying it reffer to sex in most of cases ! Is a shame to say this or think this ! A friend is a friend, as a brother or sister, if you want have sex, then find someone to love you and to love him, don;t do everything mecanic only ! Foreigners don;t do things as robbots ! But Chinese yes, Chinese love theirself only, everything is so selfish here , women love a man for his money only, if the man in China no have house , car and bank account, is hard for him to get married... Pity... In China love does not exist from heart ....
y8321cn:
I feel very sad to see this. I want to tell you not all Chinese men have this kind of thinking. This character you referred to belong to those we call playboys. One fact is true that most girls here judge a man by his wealth. We want true love from heart too. Unfortunately, in our earlier ages, we also felt in love with someone from the heart with no reason. But later her parents or relatives told us that we have no wealth to nurture the love, to make her happy, please give up. Then we are forced to burry love in the bottom of our hearts, wishing to leave it to someone who really deserve it later and meanwhile build our wealth. However, it's hard for individuals to run his business (crude taxation, robber-like Chengguan etc.). Tens of years past, we still don't build enough wealth, so we are afraid to fall in love with a girl for fear that we can't make her happy without enough wealth. We prefer to leave the chance to others wealthier. Later with time goes by, we are labeled Leftover Men. We really need someone to get married, and we prefer to find someone inferior to us physically, financially, and mentally. However story is not ended here. Those inferior girls often have an inferior standard of morality, standard of living, less educated (even labeled with same educational level), inferior standard of cultural tradition and constantly complain us for having not enough wealth. This is the reality for most Chinese men who long for true love.
By the way, for sex, personally I think it's a necessary part of the love relationship. Before marriage, this part should be practised and confirmed to be workable as it's indispensible in post-marriage life. There is no reason two persons felt into love with each other without sex for 3 years. I did have known a girl for 2 years with many times meeting personally without sex. But the reality is I didn' t love her. We were and are only friends.Chinese men not say to friends if they dating with foreigner girls , this is because they are sure there will be nothing serious about marriage later ! So, be careful in China, if you want a man for marriage, ask him everyting : to see his family, to see his friends, working place, etc.. If he not do this and only promise lies to you, leave him asap ! The same way for foreigner men who dating with Chinese gilrs ! If they find excuses to introduce you to their families, then leave them and go away ! They are not serious at all ! There are so many restrictions from their families, or their relatives or friends will judge them wrong if they dating with foreigners ! This was happen in my country also before, some girls in my country dating with arabic men, all peoples said " oh, she is a not serious girl " ... If a girl dating with Chinese man in my country, they will not comment much, burt they will say " this girl are going on a wrong way with that man" it is because the Chinese has strong culture, there are less hopes to end the relationship in a happy way with a foreigner girl and to marry her. A Chinese man is not independent to can decide hiself with who he will marry. If his parents say stop, he will follow them ... They are submisive to family or friends or in other peoples's eyes ... Not brave, not confdent ! So, try this way : ask him /her to introduce yyou to his everything. If he can't do this, don;t lose your time ! I was losing much time just beliving in his words.. Now I am sorry for my losting time. Years go on, is a pity to invest real feelings and love in a man or woman who don;t deserve you !
Good luck !
A comment for HappyExpat : did this lady asked any money from your friend ? If she not, then she really could have feelings for him and kept him just as the nest for her , maybe as her love. the other men, was just for use.
Well, girls in China do this for many reasons , some of them are really poor , the salary in china is 2000 rmb for Chinese in many cases . Me , personaly as foreigner here, I spend 2000 rmb 2 weeks for food only ! How can a Chinese gilr live with 2000 rmb for everything ? she is young, she need money for dress, to keep health, to pay renting ( if she is from province here) and so on.. They no have any fault in this dirty world , the Chinese goverment is a problem here. China is big , the social classes are so big also, from poor to rich....
I was offended by a chinese girl here , she is in her 20+, I am in my 30. She said " X helped you for what ? for sex ? no , he has no sex with you . for your money ? no, you have no money ! You are not beautiful, not rich ! You must give him money back ! " This words come from a rich chinese girl, but SHE IS RICH BECAUSE HER FATHER AND MOTHER , NOT BECAUSE OF HERSELF ! I am poor maybe here, but my heart is MORE RICH THEN HER ! this is the difference and I am a beautiful woman, her words not touch me more anyway because I know Chinese girl are so bad , they are extremely jealous ! ...
Other than what HappyExpat was saying which seems to be the norm, they also don't want others to know because they are questioned about how much does he make, are you living a better life, when aer you leaving China, has he bought you a house, a car. What are your benefits for being with a foreigner. They dont ask about sex, it's all about the money
y8321cn:
I don't want to admit. But for most cases, it's true in China. - I don't like.
