In order to fully understand the how and why of Chinese family inter relationshps, we must first do some research for background base information to establish first the "why", and afterwards attempt to establish the "how".

In order to explain the "why" of family relationships in China, or "filial piety" (XIAO in Mandarin), we must begin by mentioning Confucius, and discuss his core teachings.

Confucianism is the dominant philosophy and doctrine of proper ethics and conduct of the Chinese people. It is nearly synonymous with traditional Chinese civilization. Over the centuries, Confucians have developed an ideology and social system designed to realize their conception of the good society, a harmonious and hierarchical social order in which everyone knows and adheres to their proper stations. According to Confucianism, the family must first be put in order, and only then can the state be ruled. A well-ordered family is thus the microcosm and the basic unit of sociopolitical order. With the great importance of the family order emphasized by Confucius and his disciples, the relationships among family members are regulated by the pecking order that results from generation, age, and gender.

Generation, age, and gender (beifen-nianlingxingbie) hierarchy. Confucianism provides a protocol for proper family life. Therefore, the hierarchy of generation-age-gender defines an individual's status, role, privileges, duties, and liabilities within the family order accordingly. Family members know precisely where they stand in the family by referring to this order: to whom each owes respect and obedience. Position in the family is more important than personal idiosyncrasies: people of the elder generation are superior to those of the younger; within each generation, the elder are normally superior to the younger; men are absolutely superior to women.

Everyone in the family owes obedience to the eldest male because he is superior in generation, age, and gender.

For Chinese, increasing age is accompanied by higher status. Even when it is impossible to increase the material comforts of the aged, there is no denying the respect and deference shown to them. Neither the wealthy nor the poor would abandon the elderly, nor does the thought arise.

In traditional Chinese culture, the world is created by the interaction of yin, meaning tender, passive, inferior, and referring to female, and yang, meaning tough, active, superior, and referring to male.

Therefore, women were appointed to a dependent status; they were secondary to men. Surnames, being considered highly important, were passed on through the male lines. Only male children were counted as descent group members and had rights to the family's property. Females were not eligible to inherit the family estate, even their husbands', nor did they have primary position in any single crucial ceremonial role.

Female children were considered a bad economic and emotional investment, particularly in poor families. Their names were seldom proclaimed, for once they were married and became members of the husband's family, they were known by their husbands' surnames or their own surnames prefixed by their husbands'. Throughout their whole lives, Chinese women were expected to conform to Three Obediences (san-tsong): obedience to their fathers before marriage, to their husbands after marriage, and to their sons after their husbands die.

Although generation is definitely superior to age in hierarchy, it is not always the case that age is superior to gender. The heavy emphasis on male superiority in Chinese society may sometimes override the age consideration. For instance, a younger brother can easily see that he owes obedience to his older brother, yet, he may feel that he is superior to his older sister-in-law because of his gender. As generation-age-gender works to coordinate individuals' rights and obligations in the family, the essence of the order in family is expressed through filial piety that is considered the foundation of all kinds of virtue.

Filial piety (xiao). Filial piety is the basis of order in Chinese family. The father-son relationship is the elementary and the most important one in the family and all other relationships in the family system are regarded as extensions of or supplementary to it. Filial piety refers to the kind of superior-inferior relationship inherent in the father-son relationship. As it often appears, filial piety means children, especially sons, must please, support, and subordinate to their parents.

Having explained the basis of the society roots created in China based on Confucius teachings, we now need to look into some aspects of filial piety that reach back into the dawn of Chinese civilization, centuries before Confucius himself.

Just what is “filial piety”? Traditionally, the concept has included at least three components:

- Obedience to one’s parents;

- Respect for all in authority;

- And some form of ancestor “worship".

From the earliest days Chinese have believed in, inculcated, and even enforced total obedience to one’s parents, especially your father. Parents have had the right to tell their children what to eat, what to wear, what to study, where to work, and – until recently – whom to marry. They expect no questions, and may disregard their children’s wishes, for they assume that they know best and their children don’t know what is good for them.

Of course, parents are obligated to provide for their children, and especially to secure for them the best possible education. But listening, understanding, admitting that they might perhaps not be totally correct – these are not generally considered to be parental duties.

Even after marriage, Chinese children have long fallen under the authority of their father and mother. The parent-child relationship takes priority over the husband-wife bond. Indeed, a wife is to obey her mother-in-law, even if she is verbally abusive, and your children “belong,” in some sense, to your parents, not to you. If you are a man, your mother may be outraged if you pay more attention to your wife than to her.

In the old days, families lived together in a large compound, but even now, when urbanization has to some extent given the nuclear family some private space, parents sometimes pressure children to visit much more than we would in the West.

For millennia, children have been the only source support for aged parents. Even today, they often feel obligated to send home a major portion of their salary, even if their parents are not yet retired or don’t need the money. You can imagine the sorts of marital conflicts that could arise if the young couples themselves don’t have a lot of money. Note, nowdays it is written as Law and include3d in their Constitution.

Of course, modernization, including urbanization and globalization, has introduced massive changes into the traditional patterns. Children may now live not just across the city, but across the ocean, from their parents. Modern life rushes on at a pace that prevents long hours of leisurely time together, not to mention whole days with one’s parents. Today’s women don’t necessarily want to obey their mothers-in-law, and their husbands can’t enforce the kind of submission that used to prevail. It is even reported that the younger women will sometimes treat their mothers-in-law as harshly as their mothers were treated a generation ago.

Many – perhaps most – Chinese see no conflict between traditional Chinese filial piety and the Scriptures. After all, doesn’t the Bible say, “Honor your father and your mother?” Certainly, Christian and Confucian ethics do agree with children should honor and (when small) fully obey their parents.

Others (though not many) raise questions about the degree of overlap between Christianity and Confucianism at this point. Significantly, the Chinese translation of the Fifth Commandment does not use the word for “honor” [show respect], but employs two characters that incorporate almost the entire weight of traditional Chinese understanding.

If a wife is supposed to submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22 ff; Colossians 3:28), does that not put a buffer between her and her mother-in-law? And if a husband should sacrifice himself for his wife, then should he not be willing to “die” – at least emotionally – in order to nurture and protect his wife?

If children should honor their parents, then who should have primary say in their lives, their father and mother, or grandparents?

Surely, aged and needy widows must be cared for financially by their children (1 Timothy 5:3-16). But does a child have to send money home to parents who are both alive and able to earn income? If so, how much?. How they treat their parents is directly related to how they are judged as people. It doesn't matter how much money they have or how great their job is, if they don't send enough back, they are viewed with disdain and much is said about them.

As for after marriage, there is a common saying in China; "zuo nan ren, nan a" which means "being a man, it's hard." And that's because they have to make money, take care of the wife, but also take care of the parents. The mother and the wife have to get a long or else the man's job in the middle will be fraught with peril. Especially in this day and age, the husband has to satisfy a traditionally minded mother while trying to fulfill his husbandly duties to a modern minded wife, often times failing to adequately satisfy either.

Before ending this research and study, done mostly for my own enlightment and maybe shared with others afterwards, we must also point out a reality to avoid misunderstandings. One thing was maybe 100 years ago, or what is known as the Traditional way, and another thing is Modern China today. Let's dwell into this difference pointing out a few details of each.

1.- TRADITIONAL :

Family life has always been extremely important to Chinese culture as Chinese lived in large family units. s many as 100 or more relatives lived together under the rule of the oldest male. The ideal was "five generations under one roof." However, those who lived this way were mainly families of rich rural landowners, wealthy merchants, and government officials. Among the common people, most households consisted of only parents and children, but some also included grandparents and uncles.

Chinese families traditionally valued sons far more than daughters. A husband could divorce his wife if she failed to give birth to sons. In some cases, daughters were killed at birth because they were considered useless, for females could not continue the family name.

Only men were expected to work outside the home as wives stayed home to do housework, cook, and attend to the children.

Relationships within families were extremely formal in Traditional China. Family honor was emphasized greatly as members of the family, especially of the younger generation, were expected to "know their place" in society and to give the family name a good reputation.

Parents also expected their children to show unquestioning obedience. A father could legally kill his children if they disobeyed him. Marriages were arranged by parents, much of which were decided when the children were infants. Most brides and grooms did not see or know each other until the wedding day.

2.- MODERN :

Today, the way of life in China is not different at all from anywhere else in the world due to Western influence. You can see in China today modern apartment complexes and towering high-rise buildings as well as modern style homes. Clothing in China is very similar to that of the Western cultures now.

However, tradition still lingers in all Chinese households and societies all over the world. In older neighborhoods, rural mud and straw houses can still be seen, and in rural areas the traditional way of life are still very alive. And although the way of life now is very modernized, traditional values of family importance and reputation still is felt by all families.

Today, the Chinese live in smaller family units, usually only with parents and children, and sometimes grandparents. Almost all adults have a job, male or female. In many families, a grandparents looks after the house and children during the day, and more and more children attend nursery school and kindergarten so that mothers can be free to work.

Today, girls as well as boys are valued. Women now do many kinds of work outside the home. Many young households share in the shopping, housecleaning, cooking, and caring for the children to show that they believe the sexes are equal. Some of the older generations may still show slight hope for a grandson or great-grandson and disappointment if the outcome is a granddaughter, but in the end they love and value each with equality. However, equality between the sexes is more widely accepted in the cities than in the countryside.

Relationships have become more democratic as parents no longer expect their children to show unquestioning obedience; however, most Chinese parents today, although much more lenient and reasonable, still are strict and expect a good deal of respect. As for marriage, young people today generally choose their own marriage partners on the basis of shared interests and mutual attraction. However, parents still play a role in arranging some marriages, especially in rural areas. Any couple today would at least consult their parents about such a major decision.