By continuing you agree to eChinacities's Privacy Policy .
Sign up with Google
Sign up with Facebook
Q: Adapting to marriage life with Chinese partner: most difficult aspect?
Sorry if I'm posting too many marriage-related questions. Maybe some of you are getting fed up of the same topic being discussed over and over, but I do think it's helpful to hear what other people are going through. For me, I've been blessed with very open-minded parents-in-law who aren't interfering with our lives at all. For me, the most difficult thing is getting used to calling them "ma" and "ba". All my life I've only ever called my parents that, and now literally over night I have to call them by this name too. I've been so used to calling them ayi and shushu that I sometimes still accidently call them that. Luckily they've been understanding and laugh at my silly mistakes. I guess it's just a matter of time...
10 years 38 weeks ago in Relationships - China
"Henpecking" / constant nagging.
Temper tantrums if you don't drop everything you're doing and go do something for her NOW NOW NOW!
Demand for control over money/finances.
1. Communication
2. Lack of planning, unreasonable planning
3. Lack of "worldly" knowledge .... all about China ... and dreams of the "greener pasture", that just isn't very green.
Scandinavian:
the lack of worldly knowledge also includes lack of knowledge about China.
I think the in-laws are the most difficult. This includes the whole wider family, if they are traditionally minded. The pressures etc.
It's even worse if you live with them, or they live with you too.
Never live with them is my advice from current experience, unless they are truly opn-minded and they make you feel comfortable.
happywanderer:
Yeah in-laws, even the well meaning and nice ones, are not easy. Open-minded they may be, for now (and if they're really cool it'll go that way for a long time). But I suspect you'll see family close ranks and interfere at some point Moonlake. And the outcome is never pretty. (Remember in China family comes first - sometimes peoples priorities get a bit messed up and they see that as parents before husband/wife. So never underestimate the in-laws' mind control powers...)
Firstly as has been stated before , would you like the list in Alphabetical or Numerical order
for that matter you could use the Phobia list that Ted posted last week as you will soon have some of if not all of them 
The best advice I can give you is a little phrase that helps explain life with a Chinese partner : And this is why I drink
In China, in-laws are by far the most difficult aspect of all marriages, whether foreign or Chinese. It's much harder for foreigners, at least from my perspective. Difference is, most Chinese guys don't really have a choice. In all seriousness, the in-laws can make or break a relationship.
Now that we're in America, the most difficult aspect at this point is the fact that she doesn't like American food very much. Some pizzas are okay, some ice cream is okay... everything is a hit or miss. I do wonder if it's due to her pregnancy, but I dunno. Buying chinese spices helped a lot.
Hulk:
Don't worry, I'm not upset. Her not liking the food is pretty much nothing. We have an amazingly good relationship most of the time.
Scandinavian:
A wok, a bottle of oystersauce and some local meat/veggies you can easily whip up some Chinese food with American characteristics. It's likely the pregnancy.
Yes pick your in-laws carefully. My in-laws are great; my wife has 2 brothers and a sister so there's a lot of them. I was warned by others that you will always be giving/lending money but instead they have helped us financially to finish our apartment. The father will be more important to your wife than you on some occasions.
Keep your foreign friends. Unless she has been educated overseas your wife will not really understand western culture and thinking such as movies, books, music. Sometimes I need to talk about those. It's the same as any marriage - don't expect to get all your jollies from one person.
Yes, the wife will want to manage the money; it's traditional in China. Can you handle that?
Oh yes, I banned the helpless, needy, whiny sarjio(?)
Oh but the rewards are great - loyalty, attention (to the extent of spoiling), femininity and charm and also down-to-earth. My wife is no spoilt only child princess.
Lack of ambition once married.
Trying to turn you into their prisoner (trying to lay guilt trips if you go out).
Unreasonable life planning.
a good friend of mine married a Shanghai girl a few years ago and brought her back here. The warning signs were there when she demanded a larger engagement ring, but he chose to ignore them. Since marrying her, he has had to cut contact with all unmarried friends. She doesn't work and gets an allowance every week, and according to another (married) friend, bad-mouths him to all and sundry. I don't know if he is happy or not - he's not allowed talk to me.
maggiegirly:
I feel sorry for your friend.
myself,a Chinese woman married a western guy,we just moved back to my husband's country--Australia.My husband keeps in touch with his friends,single,married or female friends. I'd never stop him doing that,as we all need friends. what's more,he introduces all his friends to me, I am trying to make friends with them by inviting them over for dinner.It's all good.
sorrel:
I have great admiration for people who make an effort to adapt to what can be challenging circumstances, especially making sacrifices for the person they love, and i know a cross cultural marriage takes a lot a adaptation on the part of both people. But it is sad to see a couple where one person is making all the concessions to the other.
There seems to be many different options here. i have recently married my Chinese partner and want get to know my bride parents a little better since we can't communicate (I'm Australian). I am now moving to Beijing to be with my wife who is currently there now. She tells me that only her father (who has influence) at a govt level can not really help me in my career orientated relationships development, which from what I have heard is fundamental in China, because I am a foreigners and can not speak the language. I am ok with this due to I can most likely find something in my field, however the I hope the language barrier can change her and families mindsets once I learn to speak mandarin. Is this really the case that influential figures in a government level only can help Chinese people and no other races? or is there another reason here?
Scandinavian:
Did you have a Chinese English teacher in Australia ?
GuilinRaf:
If I understand your question correctly, it would depend more on whom your father in law knows rather than what agency he works for. It would also depend on what kind of job you are seeking and if he knows the right people in that field.
Be warned however, that in China, if the job can be done by a Chinese national it will go to the Chinese national. Same as most other places.
Foreign nationals are limited mostly to jobs that only they can do (for example, language instruction). If on top of that you do not speak Mandarin, then your chances are even smaller of landing a non-teaching job especially for a Chinese company.
Your best option would be to work for a foreign owned company, but in that case, they usually hire from their headquarters, not locally .
Please read this for stories based on experience.
