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Q: Did your Chinese wife “change” much after you actually got your little red book?
If so was it for the better or worse?
10 years 11 weeks ago in Relationships - China
haha.maybe, but love story should contiune in daliy life. then your wife will not think the marrige is dell. she has consider you as her families, so sometimes she is critict with u more than strangers. it is normal. you two need excharge ideas from the begaining to forever. then you can keep your marrige long time.
I think she changed a lot after we moved to China. A lot of the craziness appears to be tied to being in China.
ou812:
What I am failing to understand is the screaming. I don’t mean talking loudly, I mean screaming uncontrollably. Do Chinese have a frontal lobe disorder that prevents them from controlling their actions and outburst? I have never read about a genetic link to FLD but it does appear to exist :-/
Scandinavian:
Screaming. My wife doesn't do that. She yells a bit if she gets pissed, but that is mainly at her mum not at me.
A married couple must always strive towards having constructive communication. If my wife is unreasonably pissed about something it is pointless trying to talk, a hug is a lot better
ou812:
Perhaps there needs to be an in-depth study between an environmental trigger (little red book) and an underlying pre-existing genetic condition. :-)
JacobJohn:
@ ou812 I know what you're meaning. I am sure you would love reading the debate between Noam Chomsky and Jean Piaget. That debate was so marvelous that I've changed the way I used to see society, culture and language.
Actually, I think I've changed more than my wife has. I tend to complain more and have more objections to doing things just because other Chinese couples do them. I think, getting married meant that I was making a long term commitment to China, not just my wife. So, to make living in this sh*thole more comfortable, I've been more willing to say no. Like traveling during Spring Festival! I just refuse to do it. Other times, if I am somehow obligated to do something, then I tend to be more vocal about my objections, even though I will end up doing it in the end, like traveling during Spring Festival! Haha!
Such a ridiculous holiday.
You will have to spend less money. The Chinese are savers. I like to work to live. That was actually a blessing in disguise because now I know some of the most inexpensive ways to get around efficiently and live comfortably.
ou812:
Donnie, Without getting into to many details we had talked about many things regarding our future plans and money etc. I thought we had a fairly firm plan that we both understood. With what she is now suggesting there is no way that being married to her is going to save me any money, in fact just the opposite. I am certain she isn’t a gold digger, just poor at planning like most Chinese. I don’t even care that much about “our” plans changing. My major issue is with her demanding tone. I haven’t ever been married so I am sure there is a learning curve here and some cultural issues at play too. I guess for now I can at least take comfort in my American passport and the existence of American Airlines. I will hope for the best and plan for the worst :-)
patrickf:
Well ou812 if I can suggest something is to stick with the plan you both had in mind BEFORE the marriage. Now if she changed drastically it might not end well if you just keep it like that. Tell her this is what we were planning and while small changes are ok, a direct 180 degrees change was not part of that said plan.
Confucius:
Yes she changed alright.
After getting Australian PR she ripped me off of $100,000 and started having affairs and disappearing over the weekends.
I'm now going through a divorce and trying to hang onto my house.
After marriage, saving face becomes more important than respecting your partner's wishes. The arguments seem to be frequent: Complaints pop out of nowhere, every little thing the husband should anticipate. The first time she mentions something it comes out as an irritated complaint, as if she'd asked me a hundred times already. There is no patience or common sense involved. It has to do with all the gossips and value judgements that the wife faces about her foreign husband. She cares very much about what people are saying and thinking - too much. She tries to explain, but I have nothing to offer but an age-old saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones..."
"...but in China it's very dangerous to be ostracized by the community." she thinks. So, I must listen to her crying over spilled milk day after day. I also agree, that the issues will probably be gone once she's among civilized people. I can't wait till our son is school age, then we're finally off to Europe.
ou812:
Thanks for the insight; I still have to wonder why she said yes. Even though I have been dressing myself for more than 40 years, she now even wants to tell me what to wear. As if I look more foolish than the average middle-aged Chinese man standing on the corner with his shirt lifted up to his armpits so everyone can see his massive sweaty beer gut. Not to mention the reaction you get when you try to point out such facts.
coineineagh:
Another part of the problem is that Chinese women are overvalued in society. There are fewer women than men, and families here are hysterical about marriage and childbearing. Not all of it is good for the women, but on the whole you'll notice Chinesegirls behaving more like petulant children - because they know they often can.
Nah. After she gave birth, though... yep.
Yep. Very yep...
downvote this post into oblivion and delete it. double posted on accidental implants.
everyone keeps on saying Chinese women are fewer than men, yes that may be the fact but 50% of the females are desperate for a partner how do you relate to that? i have had about 10 women propose to me.
I guess I am lucky ? My wife is still the reasonable, open-minded, down to earth woman I met. Living together even improved her rationality 
We all change. We are all changing all the time. No matter what colour book we have.
ou812:
I am happy to report that after nearly 2 weeks she is finally back to normal. I honestly have no idea what made her go so ballistic for so long or even what made her finally calm down. It wasn’t that she “changed” it was the rate of change and the awful way she presented it. To give you an example of how irrational her thought pattern had become; she actually implied that I only married her for some “Chinese” visa benefit. Even though I laughed she wasn’t joking, she really truly thought married her for the right to live and work here. I will chalk it up to temporary insanity and pray it doesn’t happen again.
coineineagh:
That's the media playing on gullible minds here in China.
Scandinavian:
you might learn that the level of insanity can be linked to the amount of talking with her mother.
I have noticed that the "stunning" girls all want a visa. The "plain" girls want to stay here.
If your a 50 year old fat guy who marries a stunning 22 year old I would ask what your expectations of the marriage was?
ou812:
Of course I realize this too, but we are both in our mid 40’s so that wasn’t an issue. I have dated younger Chinese girls and other than maybe having prettier faces most have nothing to offer me. As near as I can tell, the pressure from marrying a foreigner in such a small city in China just got to her. Maybe one of the locals said something she felt was very hurtful so she just wanted to leave. I hope that it was a rare occurrence, which just happened to have terrible timing.
ScotsAlan:
Oopps... sorry my answer was a bit off.
I think Scandanavian has it spot on. It's all do with distance from her mum.
I can have a great day out downtown with my wife, then as we get a few miles from home, and her mother, her mood subtly changes and sometimes she will start to pick fights.
I have talked to my wife about this. She says it's filial piety thing. Her mum might pick fault with her when she gets home so her stress level goes up the closer to home we get.
I think Chinese husbands get it worse though, if that's any consolation 
My wife hasn't changed a bit, she is still the same lovely girl i met.
but we are changing since now we have a baby on the way , having to make adjustments in our life style for the arrival of our little one soon.
Not yet she hasn't, but it is early days. Perhaps she has become more raunchy.
