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Sign up with Google Sign up with FacebookQ: Did your ex's mother destroy your relationship?
Another post got me thinking about it. Did you lose a girlfriend or a boyfriend, a husband or a wife, because of his or her Chinese mother?
9 years 24 weeks ago in Relationships - China
When I was before 25 years old, my mum used to destroy my relationships. But now I'm over 25, and she's so afraid of me being a ' left-over' woman that she'd agree with any men I brought home.... So my advice is - try to date single girls over 25, mums will treat you like a savior.
No, most relationships I had were destroyed by me being myself.
Yes. I was engaged to a woman for two years. Her mother was a member of the Red Guard during the "Cultural Revolution", and she did not like the fact that...
1. I am a foreigner
2. I do not worship Mao
3. I was a member of the US Military for close to a decade
Eventually her mother gave her a choice: she could stay with me and be put out of the family, or leave me and continue to be part of the family.
She chose them.
Spiderboenz:
I guess it's more important to her mother that she be alone and unhappy than for her to "dirty" herself with a foreigner.
She (her mother) actually had the nerve to tell her that she would rather have no grandchildren than have bi-racial grandkids.
MaryCeleste:
What wisdom did you gain from that experience? What are the signs that a girl's mother is a former RG?
Robk:
Wow, what a piece of work!
I hope that mother has a nasty accident and the girl calls you back up.
Spiderboenz:
Thankd Robk, but I'm not sure that I would take her back. Especially after having to explain to my family (many aunts/uncles/cousins but I am the only male) that the weddibg was off.
I have heard, but only heard, that it is far harder for a Chinese man to marry a foreigner woman, then the other way around...I think it is a bizarre sense of sanguine relationships, whereby a family with only daughters is already, cursed, therefore mixing races is ok, but a male son represents the great Han race, and having a child with another race is bad.
-Again, this is not a fact, since several Russian women have married Chinese men...
Robk:
Haha... I always smile when I hear that "The Great Han Race".
Oh, you mean that race of people that have difficulty making a line or talking quietly on the highly advanced and complication technology known as a mobile phone?
Great, indeed.
Yes very much so. I was in aver loving and devoted relationship for 3.6 years. We lived together in Zhangjiagang and had another new home in Suhou. My ex had her successful business, I opened a training school which was very successful. We had planned to marry after my daughter in the UK had married. From day one her family and friends seemed to have excepted me, ofte having dinners, ad family time together. Her brother ad 3 sisters were great. Her mother always shared the warm smile and hug when meeting. 2 years past I attended my daughters wedding in the UK, 2 days before my planned return I was told not to return as my partners mother decided she no longer wanted her daughter to marry a foreigner. No reason given, I was prepared to return, to try and resolve whatever the issue was. However my now ex partner was informing me that her mother was making threats public humiliation scenes or even suicide. My ex tried vain to obtain whatever reasons, and after weeks of continuous confrontation, conflict, shouting and tears, my ex gave up through stress and exhaustion. All communication ceased. I never returned to my Zhangjiagang home, leaving all my personal belongings there. After some months I was told the mother had another son who was about to return from a 6 year prison holiday, something she wanted to hide. After a further few months the mother went traveling, met a man several years her elder, and later moved to Heilongjiang to be with him. Am I angry? dam right I am. 3.6 years wasted.
MaryCeleste:
But, what is a prison holiday? What was its relationship to her refusal to allow you to marry her daughter?
BlightyMatt:
Bloody awful.....
That sort of thing could make a guy quit China.
I hope you rebounded and things are all ok now.I don't know, why do you ask MaryCeleste?
expatlife26:
It almost sounds like you might be bitter from experience!
expatlife26:
well then why don't you tell us your tragic tale of woe?
MaryCeleste:
It's not nearly as interesting as others'. My gf's mother was afraid that I'd take her to the USA and discouraged her from continuing our relationship. That's all.
I haven't had it happen to myself, but I know several people who have experienced this. A Polish friend of mine was dating a Chinese guy for a long time, really nice guy, well read, well travelled, polite smart... if I were gay... anyway, when they met his parents his mother told him that if he married this "white whore" she would make sure they would never be able to live in China, ever.
Another case, a Canadian Chinse friend works in Shanghai and has been with this Chinese girl for a long time. Her parents refuse her to marry him because he dosen't have enough money in their eyes. They are still together though.
Wow, from your responses, it seems like Chinese mothers are able to completely reject their own flesh and blood if they marry the wrong person. They sound like contemptible people. Have any of you ever convinced your girlfriends to disobey them and marry you? If so, how did the MIL react?
The big problem is that many Chinese girls lay it on their family too quickly and freak the hell out of them.
My wife hinted at marrying or potentially dating a foreigner quite a few years before we were marrying and kind of eased them into it. They had no problems with it after and I gave them a lot of face by out-drinking their drunk uncles, lending them money and other things.
They are happy now. My FIL says I was like a great risk investment that continues to rise. Not quite sure what that means but I will take it as a compliment.
Well, as a counterpoint... I had a troublesome love relationship once, in China. The mother in law (and the grand-mother) was not a problem, my ex was the problem.
* MIL had no problem with me being a white guy, a foreigner, in contract to her daughter being vaguely xenophobic
* MIL would tell her daughter that I was trying really hard to make things work, and in contract to her who was whining over trivial issues.
* MIL would underline all the good things about me, thinking I was a positive influence to her daughter
* MIL had ...surprisingly open views about sexuality
* MIL would cook vegetarian just for me, thinking it was a good influence for the whole family (and FIL would approve, together with the grand-parents)
So if it was just about the MIL, I would have been glad to have her as family. The daughter was a living shitstorm, however, so I passed on that one ^^
Current MIL is great too, she leaves us in peace, looking at us like grown-up adults. Chinese MIL does not have to be hell on Earth
MaryCeleste:
Thank you for that reminder that not all Chinese MILs are evil.
Aren't all inlaws from hell? My ex-GFs mother never approved of me being a foreigner and I never met her. I got so sick of hearing about what the people on the street thought etc (no hand holding or touching), everyone in China being against it, that I walked away.
When I was before 25 years old, my mum used to destroy my relationships. But now I'm over 25, and she's so afraid of me being a ' left-over' woman that she'd agree with any men I brought home.... So my advice is - try to date single girls over 25, mums will treat you like a savior.
I don't let my MIL ruin my relationship with my husband. I'm at a big advantage being far more educated than she is. If she pulls any crap I tell her I'll leave and remind her that I can live in any country I want and take her son with me .
Actually, my mother in law is great. And so is my wife's aunt., my mother in law's sister. When I had no where to live they took me in. When I had no money they just gave some to me. They were always more than willing to share whatever they had with me. I was, and am, unbelievably lucky, and once I was back on my feet it was easy for me to share with them. Now that my wife and I have left China and are living and working in the US, I can't wait to bring them over to visit or even live with us. I like the idea of having them around once my wife and I have kids so that they can be in touch with that part of their heritage. As critical as I may be of China at times, if the Chinese family is half of what my in-laws are then I have absolutely no room to criticize them for that. Just fantastic people and I cannot say enough good things about them.