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Q: dining with the whole family - is this usual?
A colleague of mine who would like to marry a local girl went on a few dates arranged by a matchmaker. Each time the girl's entire family, parents, uncles, aunts, grand-parents, tagged along, setting him back a serious amount of money for a single meal. Is this a 'custom' that is applied only to foreigners (he is American) or does this normally occur? I suggested he ditch the match-maker and just meet girls more informally.
10 years 30 weeks ago in Relationships - China
He's American? Why is he using a matchmaker?
Regarding the freeloading:
My girlfriend said that, at any important event in the country, loads of random people will turn up to see if there's food set out for guests. They will stuff it all into bags and leave.
This is exactly what happened at her grandmother's funeral. There were scores of people from the village there in the morning, until food was presented. One minute later, all the food was gone, and most of the people.
Chinese people aren't constrained by notions of dignity or socially acceptable behaviour.
Regarding your friend:
1. Meet a Chinese girl naturally. Unless you're a Chinese man, this is very easy.
2. Stay as far from her family as possible. Don't be afraid to tell her that you want to have a relationship with her, not her family.
dom87:
how you wanna stay away from her family? usually you also want to meet the family after a year or so :x
for me at least have been lucky with her parents
I've heard of something similar happening when Chinese colleagues would go on blind dates (with other prospective Chinese partners), but the way you describe his situation definitely sounds more like an exercise in freeloading. Is there some problem with your American friend, or something just terribly wrong with him? Never dated before? The matchmaker is totally unnecessary.....you made a good suggestion to him.
Absolutely, the matchmaker is a terrible idea. I have a few people I know who have had marriages last less than one year due to the fact they relied on these charlatans. Your colleague should remember that the kind of girls that have to resort to matchmakers are either hiding something that will come out during the first few months of marriage or are just downright impossible to live with. (or their family comes with a mountain of debt/problems)
This is the matchmaker buying face on the expense of your friend. Nothing more. If you friend likes the girl, he should date just her.
That being said, if it works out for them, he is now prepared for how married life in China is. The family is difficult to ditch. I cannot count how many times I've tried to have a dinner just with my wife, and then the rest of the family is also there.
Victoria1987:
I totally understand.it is good to be just with the wife most time,not the whole family cames alone.wooo,luckily I am not into Chinese men,otherwise it will kill my romance.
it is fine to bring her parents together often because it is her parents as long as not bring the parents together every time,couples need space for themselves as well.But not bring uncles,aunts,sisters,brothers,etc very often.Couple should have personal time.It is very sad for my parents to always bring my relative to have the dinner,shit,I made clearly to my parents,sometimes I just want to have dinner with them.The funny thing is my parents said the dinner with my relatives can also be my birthday dinner.Crazy...i just want be with my Mom and Dad alone sometimes,I really don't like my relatives came to have dinner with us every week.I need space.Oh noHe's American? Why is he using a matchmaker?
Regarding the freeloading:
My girlfriend said that, at any important event in the country, loads of random people will turn up to see if there's food set out for guests. They will stuff it all into bags and leave.
This is exactly what happened at her grandmother's funeral. There were scores of people from the village there in the morning, until food was presented. One minute later, all the food was gone, and most of the people.
Chinese people aren't constrained by notions of dignity or socially acceptable behaviour.
Regarding your friend:
1. Meet a Chinese girl naturally. Unless you're a Chinese man, this is very easy.
2. Stay as far from her family as possible. Don't be afraid to tell her that you want to have a relationship with her, not her family.
dom87:
how you wanna stay away from her family? usually you also want to meet the family after a year or so :x
for me at least have been lucky with her parents
That sounds like someone turning the chaperone scenario into a freeloader's extravaganza. I've never heard of that happening in the kind of situation you describe but I have had a bloke I hardly knew invite a whole crew of girl-friends along when we went out to have a casual beer one time. They all ended up ordering their hearts out and in the end they plopped the bill in front of me. I just turned to the bloke and said "We're the guys, looks like this is ours" and made him split it with me. He looked gutted.
nice response !! I'm sure the guy' face was priceless !!Scandinavian:
"faceless" - what happens when a guy looses face enough times for asenine behavior
i did warn my American colleague, but he decided this was the best way for himself to meet someone. I think he has learnt his lesson. Even when i am out with local friends, the 'going Dutch' rule applies - i insist, and they know better than to try to pay for me.
I know how this story end up - I've seen the movie -
APOLLONIA
[In Italian: I know English...]
(then, in English)
Monday -- Tuesday -- Thursday -- Wednesday -- Friday -- Sunday -- Saturday... Andiamo!
Andiamo! [Let's go! Let's go!]
MICHAEL
Aie, bravo!
APOLLONIA
[In Italian: Come on! Let's go! Let's go!]
[Tommasino's car drives in, sounding its horn. Michael walks over to it]
MICHAEL
A salute, Don Tommasino
TOMMASINO
[Something in Italian]
MICHAEL
[In Italian: How are things in Palermo?]
[Michael helps Tommasino out of the car as Apollonia runs over and kisses him]
APOLLONIA
[In Italian: Michael is teaching me to drive -- watch, I'll show you]
[Tommasino smiles at her, as she runs back to the car]
MICHAEL
Come va Palermo?
TOMMASINO
[In Italian: Young people don't respect anything anymore. Times are changing for the worse
-- Eh -- This place has become too dangerous for you -- I don't think you're safe here. I
want you to move to a villa near Siracusa, right now -- Subita, eh?]
MICHAEL (putting his hand on Tommasino's chest)
[In Italian: What's wrong?]
TOMMASINO
[In Italian: Bad news -- from America. Your brother, Santino -- they killed him]
APOLLONIA (pressing the car horn)
[In Italian: Michele - Michele, Let's go -- let's go -- you promised me]
DISSOLVE TO: The Villa. Calo sits under a tree. Fabrizio is on the wall near the gate.
Michael steps out onto the balcony. -day
MICHAEL
Fabrizio!
Fabrizio
Yes...
MICHAEL
Prepara la macchina [get the car]
Fabrizio
Are you driving yourself, Boss?
MICHAEL
Yes...
Fabrizio
Is your wife coming with you?
MICHAEL
No -- I want you to take her to her father's house til I know things are safe...
Fabrizio
Okay -- anything you say, Boss.
CUT TO: Villa kitchen. Calo sits at the table, eating, as Michael enters -day
MICHAEL
Calo, dov Apollonia?
CALO
[In Italian: She's going to surprise you -- she wants to drive. -- ]
MICHAEL
Ahh...
CALO
[In Italian: -- She'll make a good American wife
(then, after Michael exits)
Wait, I'll get the baggage...]
CUT TO: Villa courtyard. Calo carries suitcases to the car and puts them into the trunk.
Apollonia is in the driver's seat. -day
MICHAEL (seeing Fabrizio walking toward the gate)
Fabrizio! -- dove vai? [where are you going?]
APOLLONIA (sounding the car horn)
[In Italian: Michele, wait there! I'll drive to you...]
MICHAEL (after seeing Fabrizio hurry through the gate)
NO! No, Apollonia!
[The car that Apollonia is in blows up and Michael is thrown into the bushes]
Scandinavian:
"The Mountain Master" (yes yes I know it's The Godfather")
Scandinavian:
it's a dialog from the 1972 movie classic The Godfather about the Italian mafia operating in the US. "Mountain Master" is the equivalent in of the title "Godfather" in the Chinese triads.
That is unusual. Either they are all trying to get a free meal or they are all very involved in managing the love life of the person he ate with. Either way, it's not a good sign. He needs to ditch the matchmaker and try finding a partner solo.
When I arrived here nearly a month ago, I met my friend at the airport and went out to dinner with her parents, uncle and grandmother. It was nice, different, but I didn't pay and wasn't expected to. I tried to offer money and was quietly hushed by my friend. I think its just a matter of who your with. Still Paying once for a family meeting is alright because it lets you know what her family is like in public. Gives you an idea where you stand in relation to them and the type of values the family instills in them. China is different after all. In poland we hardly ever eat out. Its usually a party at home and after you've had a chance to get to know each other first.
I think its half culture half family upbringing. In the future, i would recommend avoiding a matchmaker. They are old school so to speak and one on one dating is much better than dragging the family along and footing the bill. There are plenty of people who would be just as happy to go to a movie, the theater, etc. and might make it easier to avoid having her family tag along.
It is normal; but only the first time you have met the entire family. But I also found that if it happens a second time someone in the family pays so that the foreigner will not think the family is too poor. They may even ask the foreigner to come to their home to enjoy a good meal. In your friend's case the matchmaker is getting lots of red envelops plus free meals.
No probs with family...avoiding them seems to be simple. (Thus far..)
Different matter with the wider populace, however. Freeloaders and bludgers...except for those that aren't.
"Such is Life."
