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anonymous
Q: DOES YOUR CHINESE MOTHER IN LAW LIVE WITH YOU? HOW DO YOU COPE WITHE THE SPITTING?
am an African married to a Chinese and because we need help with our 2 kids so we invited my mother in law to live with us but she pisses me off with her spitting. she spits everywhere around my apartment so i find it hard eating at home cos at the sound of it i lose my appetite! she even spit on the bathroom floor. am so irritated. Any if you have same experience?
You done screwed up!
You violated rule number 1 for getting married in China. NO MOTHER IN LAWS!!!
I bet your already wishing you paid for that nanny.
Your screwed, theres nothing you can do. Shes gonna have your baby shitting in the street wether you like it or not.
How is your wife gonna tell her mom to stop loogying on the floor? Its a non starter.
Shes always gonna walk around with her arm up to her elbows in her nose while sitting there eating an apple that makes the most horrific sounds ever known to man.
You, are screwed.
Samsara:
Sorry to be the second bearer of bad news, but it's all over. You have nothing to look forward to but the slow descent into filth, depredation, and eventual insanity.
Chinese mothers in law are harder to remove from a house than a combined cockroach and termite infestation. You can have the house fumigated, but it usually won't kill a Chinese mother in law.
When you wake up in the morning desiring nothing but peace and maybe a bowl of crisp, clean cornflakes with milk, she will be there making horrible phlegm-snorting sounds to ensure you can't swallow your breakfast or ever feel clean again.
When you are in the shower trying to cleanse yourself of the sickness that is creeping into your soul, you will feel your mother in law's mucus between your toes.
When you experience a precious moment of silence, together in bed with your partner, and are about to do something romantic, it will be interrupted by:
HOIK! HOOOOIIIIIKKKKK..... PT! (missed some) HHHOOOIIIKKKK... PT! PT!
And you can't ever have a meaningful conversation with your partner again. If you begin a conversation in English, your mother in law will get jealous and start complaining about mantou costing 5 fen more than they did a decade ago. And mantou is what the rest of the conversation will be about. Between your wife and her mother. Not you.
So basically, as mike said, you're screwed.
This is why Chinese men have mistresses. It's all you've got to look forward to.
you are f*cked. you should have put your foot down from day one. since you couldn't man up and do it, you are going to go through hell for now on. the chinese will do as the please whether it offends you or not, its their way or no way. your only hope is to move her out, pay for a nanny that will obey your rules and culture, and hope your wife decides to side with you instead of her god, the almighty mother....
Paulberger:
EDIT also, you should tell us all your outcome and thoughts so we can all learn from your mistakes. plus, it will be a good post and read.
mike695ca:
agreed. please keep us posted. Im not sure this will make you feel better but you arent the first to make this grave error, others here have as well. You see many mother in law posts here.... so join in !Misery loves company
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Luckily, my in-laws never ever spit, and they are born & bred in the countryside. However, statistically, by calling Chinese MIL to the rescue, you managed to open the Pandora Box, a rift to the Twilight Zone, a portal to Hell, while dividing by zero and opening a canister of highly radioactive wastes...
All you can do is damage control, slow & patient reconquest of the lost ground. It's gonna take months to improve, in the best scenario. We are talking of a situation were flamethrowers, nerve gases and bunker busters would do zilch. The idea is to have your wife acknowledge the problem, and have her gently explain to MIL that it's fine now, thanks for the help and goodbye.
So here what you can try
* Try to have a walk outside with your wife, when both of you are in a good mood. Talk frankly about MIL attitude, how much it's not ok for you, that even kids back home would not do that and would understand how bad it is. Keep cool while talking, don't be too emotional about it but say the things. Mention the influence it have on your kid.
* If your wife is in denial (a likely hypothesis), you need a bigger gun. Makes short videos of MIL spitting on the floor. Not one, but a dozen. Announce the date and the time at the start of the video. After saving the videos somewhere safe, show the compilation to your wife, saying quietly that this is just not ok. Tell to your wife you love her, but that they have to work on the MIL problem, and that you want to help you wife, doing it together. Also, that if your wife keep her head buried in the sand, you will deal with the problem your way. To be said quietly with your best "I'm sorry, babe" face.
* If wife is still in denial, you have to face the Gates Of Doo.... errrr, MIL by yourself. If you don't speak some bits of Mandarin or whatever dialect MIL speaks, learn some. Short of this, you can't solve the problem in a civilized way. Sit next to MIL on the sofa, tell her with your softest voice, you have something to show her : the videos of her spitting. Tell her, that doing this in your home is not ok, that you love her as the mom of her wonderful daughter.... But that she have to cut the spitting. Buy her some simple gift, even new socks will do. Rinse, repeat, until something happen, either daughter or MIL.
* Be warned, the reaction can be your wife doing a trip to the hospital for a nervous breakdown, MIL switching to emergency mode. You step on eggs here, the shit is very close from the fan,
* If wife acknowledge the problem, there's hope. One solution is to send MIL back from where she came, smoothed out with some gifts. Of course, you guys visit her sometimes, but she don't live with you. Or, you guys seat together with MIL, some good tea, good fruits, a gift for her, and gently ask her to stop spitting, please oh pretty please. Rinse, repeat, until MIL changes or go away.
The key is to stay smooth but firm, keeping your ground, accepting no bullshit, but being a bit culturally aware in the way to signal things. It will likely be a great learning moment for your wife, maybe (fat chances !) for MIL too. Good luck, all my support.
Scandinavian:
I like the video idea.
I've found that my wife also cannot 1) tolerate criticism of her mum, unless she brings it up 2) tell her mum that she is way of on some things.
However, I don't have as much as problem as the MIL is not living with us, we do see her several times per week. My main MIL problem is that she interrupts, or that is, she never stops talking. And If I say something, she will just start talking as she please. I've started pointing this out to my wife each time it is happening, the second it happens. That way, my wife gets two conversations interrupted at the same time, and that ticks her off enough to tell her mother to not interrupt. (not that that has any particularly awesome effect)
mike695ca:
Im guess I didnt realize how lucky I was. I had no idea that women couldnt handle criticism of the mother. My wife has never had a problem me voicing my opinions about her, because im right.. and they are logical problems to have. My wifes family doesnt speak a word of english, and i was driving her entire family home recently after a dinner and her mom got out early, and I made a crack in private to my wife that the second her mom left my car gained 100 Horse power ( shes....hefty) Immediatly she laughed and translated into cantonese for her brother and dad to share the joke. I was mortified........ but her family howled like its the funniest thing ever. She saw I was uncomfortable and they told me that if you cant talk honestly about all aspects of your family then they arent family. Makes sense i guess. just didnt expect chinese to think that way.
Anyways I adore my MIL she spoils me rotten and stays out of our lives. And as a bonus she has no desire to live her children. So until that changes I count my blessing daily.
so actually we should move on from your mother is so fat.... jokes to your MIL is... jokes :/
my MIL is actually quite nice but i really dont want anyone living with me.
Scandinavian:
Your mother in law is so fat she got arrested at the airport for 10kg of crack.
Paulberger:
your MIL is so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck... your MIL is so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out... ah... the insults we gave each other in childhood...
Robk:
hahaha.. fat jokes.
Your MIL so fat, when she joined the X-Men a helicopter tried to land on her.
Your MIL so fat, when she jumps in the Ocean, 10 000 people get wiped out in Indonesia.
Your MIL so fat, I slap her belly and ride the waves.
Your MIL so fat, when she gets cut she bleeds rocky road.
HE WHO SACRIFICE FREEDOM FOR SECURITY DESERVE NEITHER 
not exactly matching here, but applicable on situation. be ready to have hard life, but never ever accept MIL or even some auntie, live-in ... If your wife can not handle 2 kids, she have to ask my mom, we was 3 , or my younger sister, she have 3 kids too, and no husband.
Scandinavian:
For some reason it takes a team of about 6 people to take care of 1 Chinese child.
Nessquick:
don't know, me and my wife doing our job quite well i think. I bring the money to home, she bring the son up, sometimes we change our positions. But we work together. I am the one who deny any ayi to step into our life, and she is the one, who always have this ideas :D Don't know why, any other mom would be happy for no need to work :)
Find a way for her to go back to her hometown. I'm a very patient and nice guy who can endure a lot but now I've also had enough with my MIL living with us. Chinese are trained to always look after mom and dad and take their side. They go before the husband. Most are oblivious to discussion when it comes to their mom so talking about it will likely backfire. . Chinese moms are used to being in total control which will marginalize your role in the family leading to severe laziness, depression and temptation to have a fling. Get her out asap.
nbmlord:
thanks all for the great advice.i will try to bring my mum to take over cos my wife will definately object to getting an ayi. I hardly have apetite to eat at home due to the spitting and others bad habits.
The Chinese mother in law..... the best contraceptive ever invented.....
I paid a large Chinese Triad to come to my apartment one fateful evening.
He totally accidentally "bumped" in to her and she "fell" down the stairs.. It is horrible, what a tragic accident...
But hey... Now I can sleep with a smile!
Pretty damn disgusting man. Play the disease spreading card. Have sincere concern that it may spread possible disease. Baby's health could be affected.
Then
Ask nicely but firmly that due to her habit, she needs to get tested for EVERYTHING. Hope she's afraid of needles and all that jazz. Then the whole situation re: spitting is under review,she might clean up her act.
Otherwise get her a good old fashioned spit bucket and put a solution of disinfectant and water at the bottom. Clean the floor with bleach. Make her feel dirty and a health hazard!!!
I read this constantly on this site. It must be where you are or where the people are from that do the spitting. I spent a year in Nanning, some time traveling around and I never saw anyone spit. In fact one day I was walking in Nanning and a fly flew in my mouth and I spit it out, instantly and older Chinese man came up to me and give me hell for spitting in the street?
delete this post... it is vile. It was even more vile. downvote it. something's wrong with me
