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Posts: 22

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Q: Girlfriend checking my phone and calls on culture for excuse?

My girlfriend keeps trying to read my emails, and is super pissed off when I don't let her see who texts me. I end up telling her, because I have nothing to hide, but it's pissing me off. She keeps telling me that it's perfectly acceptable in China and that all her girlfriends do the same, but I'm calling BS.

 

Is it really that common within Chinese couples to share absolutely everything?

 

 

 

11 years 34 weeks ago in  Relationships - China

 
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Posts: 250

Governor

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It is perfectly normal in China and until and unless we don't convince a girl as a matter of fact to respect the personal space she will always try to check it. It happened to me as well. My phone was checked, sms read, MSN, email everything were closely monitored. When I opened QQ, I had to give identification of each and every person. First I denied, then one day somehow I talked about "personal space" and respecting the privacy of each other. Then we had few bad days because of some suspicion. Since I was bit serious about the relationship, then I let her dig everything. I let the QQ running in front of her and disappeared for a while with a excuse. I left phone intentionally at home when she was there and came to office to spend some time so that she could check it.

I am not sure about others, but for me she was more interested to know about all female names associated with me.

I talked about this habit with my female colleagues. It was completely normal and acceptable in China or with their partners.

I talked with male colleagues and they agreed on above. Interestingly , they always have two QQs and one is hidden from their partners. If they go out to meet other girls they would just say that they have to work a bit more that day and need to be in the office.

So, in my view if someone is committed in the relationship,, it would be better to let everything (mainly QQ and phone; email is not necessary to be open) open for a while, may be a month to gain her confidence. During that duration it would be wise to convince her about "personal space." How could it benefit both?

 

I wish Good luck and hope you two will work out on it. Adios

LAR:

"It is perfectly normal..." That is a bunch of nonsense!!!!! Straight up!

 

Cheers

11 years 34 weeks ago
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Hakupatasa:

LAR...yes you are right it is a 'bunch of nonsense!!"

Please go through other comments in the same OP and it will be clear..I thought I made it clear what my "personal opinion" is?

 

I am just saying that it is "perfectly normal" in the context of situation faced here. Not for all and not for me, 'perfectly normal." You can see from other people's views also that some of them faced similar situation of invaded privacy. That is why i said, here, it is "perfectly normal." When looked around it looked like "perfectly normal act in a relationship." So, you may also take that wordings as sarcasm...hehehe

11 years 34 weeks ago
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11 years 34 weeks ago
 
Posts: 196

Shifu

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There are a lot of bad girls in China, and even guys who pretend to be pretty girls just to cut you open and steal one of your kidneys.
Some of the people you can meet on QQ are very dangerous, my girlfriend's little brother traveled far away, only to walk right into a pyramid scam after being lured in via a pretty girl on QQ. My girlfriend and I had to drop what we were doing while on our vacation in Hong Kong just to wire him a few hundred RMB so he could escape and take a train back home.. He called the local Chinese police / government and they just didn't care to do anything about it, possibly because they might have been getting a slice of the money made in the scam... very scary stuff.. and he was a Chinese national born and raised.. It's dangerous enough for Chinese people, it's even more dangerous for foreign people.

Your girlfriend is just looking out for you. You should be very thankful, because it shows that she cares about you.

My girlfriend also screens all my calls, SMS, QQ, etc. and tells me never to trust anybody she doesn't introduce me to.  It's part of how a Chinese girl shows her love. Get used to it and be glad that at least one person in China is looking out for you.

 

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11 years 34 weeks ago
 
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  I can't speak for other women but my wife does not invade my privacy. In fact I believe that if your girlfriend's untrusting it's because she's been screwed over, in which case good luck with that, or because she's untrustworthy herself and judges others on her own standards, in which case good luck with that. No offense man, just answering honestly. Good luck with that.

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11 years 34 weeks ago
 
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General

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Yes this is often happened between Chinese couples even many of my female friends also, but its not acceptable everywhere.At least i wont do this kind of things to my man never.Girls want to know more about her next half and get rid of any other ambiguous relationship from u.It reasonable but I think it will show my weakness and nonconfidence to our love.This is not good .

But i do know there r some bad guys cheated their girls because lack of supervision.So who knows?Every couple has there own routine.

derek:

Lack of supervision? Did I read that correctly? It's a relationship....not a job!

11 years 34 weeks ago
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Hakupatasa:

Whatolie!!! How come checking phones and emails can stop a man stop from cheating? I could not understand. May be it is just for self assurance and false confidence. A bad guy turning good just because of supervision? Not so much heard. I have one friend back home who had relationship with few girls at the same time before marrying. Got married with one of them. Now, he is still enjoying the same habit and when I visit his home I could see he having good relationship with his wife too. Before he had one phone. Now he carries two phones; one is strictly used during office hours and manages the relationships with other girls during office hours. Now, how could a wife/GF undertake supervision? Some of my colleagues in China pay visits to prostitutes even they have GF. Excuse for that time? Workload! Now, how to supervise during that time? I have seen many examples with dual life. Remember! Growing long mustache won’t block a man from eating food.

It is not a cultural issue, instead completely a trust issue which is so prevalent and now becoming a cultural issue (excuse!)

11 years 34 weeks ago
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whatolic:

yes u r all right.there is no need to do such things in a good relationship.but we all know not every relationship is healthy right?of course its useless of anything to supervise.but as long as there r cheating guys,there r suspicious girls.Both r stupid, both exist.

11 years 34 weeks ago
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MissA:

Lack of supervision. That just made my night.

11 years 33 weeks ago
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11 years 34 weeks ago
 
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has anyone dated girls in their own home country some girls will do this and some girls will not. same as in china. the difference is in china they use culture as an excuse. side note: anyone overly suspicious of their partner is usually up to something themselves. this has proven itself to be true time and time again. if a girl checks my phone or qq messages i put her on my "do not marry" list.

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My experience with GFs at home is everything I do is their business and everything they do is their business.

  I don't think Chinese have as much personal space as we do. They snoop in everything when they visit. Strangers read over my shoulder when I use a phone translator. I've had to shove guys away repeatly for doing that and resist head butting them. If it really bothers you don't head butt your GF.

LAR:

Oh yes Ted!!!!!! The Chinese AND the South Koreans can be so NOSEY!!!!!!!! I HATE that!!!!!! :( And, what really angers me is how ARROGANT Orientals will laugh if I say something about their being so nosey! SO ARROGANT and STUPID. :(

11 years 34 weeks ago
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11 years 34 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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I agree, not normal, trust issue, she might be untrustworthy herself.  I love cultural relativism but i have my personal limits.

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11 years 34 weeks ago
 
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Shifu

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PrinceAli,

               I'm sorry to say this, but you need to get a new gf.

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11 years 34 weeks ago
 
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Sorry but i have to agree with LAR. Cultural BS. And we go on and on and on always with the same excuse. No margin for progression that way.... Can't understand these issues that get disguised with cultural differences.... 

 

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11 years 33 weeks ago
 
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I agree with Hypnos who in turn agrees with Lar (and with whom I too agree).

If there is no trust in the relationship, then the relationship is not worth it.

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11 years 33 weeks ago
 
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well, there's culture I want to compromise, and there's culture I DO NOT want to compromise. Phone checking is definitely one that I don't want to compromise, if it is a culture.

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11 years 33 weeks ago
 
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  Yeh, I agree with Raf, who agrees with Hypnos, who agrees with Lar, there just isn't room in a relationship for distrust. As I said to my wife; "A woman knows. She don't need to peek in my pants for pubes. If you think i'm fucking, I AM!" And THAT, is why i'm only fucking her.

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11 years 33 weeks ago
 
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Well I suppose I will be different,

 

My wife checks all my messages on my phone, mainly because she reads Chinese and my reading (of Chinese) is very limited. She never asked, I never objected. Why? Well because I trust her and she trusts me. I haven't got anything to hide and I never will have, what is more she knows this.

 

If I didn't have absolute trust in her I would never have gotten married, but more importantly, if I didn't have 100% trust in myself, even more, would I have never gotten married.

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11 years 33 weeks ago
 
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I agree with everyone who agrees with everyone who agreed with everybody else; this is about personal trust, not culture. It's not about gender either, since trust needs to run both ways.

 

If my partner thought the only way he would know he could trust me was by sneaking through my personal files, that would be entirely intolerable. If I thought for a second he'd be interested in reading emails from mum and dad, and administrative emails from my employer, and spam, he could have my password in a heartbeat. But if he DEMANDED IT as a prerequisite for trust....naw, nah, nup. That wouldn't be okay.

 

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11 years 33 weeks ago
 
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Hopefully my experience can save you a lot of trouble:

 - Yes, my GF could not wait until I was off the plane and taking my first shower before immediately finding the mobile phone and powering through it looking for any sign of jealous rivals. 

Nothing like walking out of the shower and having to explain that 'Shelley' is a 63 year old woman from work who is like a 'mom' to me and 'cant wait till I get back' is a polite english expression/sentiment.

 

- When you challenge them they will try and tell you its a cultural thing and that all Chinese couples are like this. They cite examples or explain how it was normal she and her last BF always had each others passwords etc.

       

- The opposite is nearly the real truth. It is entirely likely that her last certainly did have 3 secret QQ 'affairs' and was working on a project with another girl or in the case of marriage had a 'xiaosan' ...or her father did.. or her brothers did.

 

- And yes, this is a classic case of her suspicious attitude telling you far more ABOUT HER MIND and how SHE thinks. She is revealing HERSELF as a mind that is being clever, sneaky, hustling and scheming. 

*Really take note of that.. this is telling you a lot about HER.

 

- This will NEVER END for you. Please do not think it will end. If anything this will only get worse if this ever continued until a marriage. It will get worse if children come along. It will ruin your life. She will ruin your life.

 

- In the ultimate irony, after years of her destroying your soul out of her pathological jealous?

Finally, although you would have NEVER even considered the possibility of a xiaosan or cheating on her before?

Now you will. In fact, desperate for a trusting bond and being humiliated and immasculated by your jealous wife/gf will PUSH YOU towards an affair like nothing else ever did.

                

For the love of all things right and good. You MUST consider losing this girl while you still have your sanity and are still able to make clear decisions. Every indicator is that she will destroy your soul.

 

And no, I have no idea why so many Chinese women seem to think they have the right to act this way. They also think you should own your own home, be tall and treat them as goddesses. Which is weird to me since they are not royalty from millionaire elite societies.  

TBH... I actually dated a girl who was from a very wealthy, high-status, elite family and she wasn't even near as demanding and intolerant as...

 

Anyways, PLEASE consider your escape route now. Please.. heed the warnings here. 

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11 years 33 weeks ago
 
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Run!!!!!!!

change your number and move on

you should be comfortable in a relationship not in fear of reprisals

If you think it is bad now what will happen if you have kids and or get married?

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11 years 33 weeks ago
 
Posts: 1091

Shifu

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what is with you and women every time man.

philbravery:

Hey Jiliu

how are you little buddy?

we thought Hugs had finally caught up with you for organ harvest

are you still going to China or have you given up on that adventure?

11 years 33 weeks ago
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11 years 33 weeks ago
 
Posts: 126

Governor

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I trust my wife, and she trusts me , i don't check hers and she doesn't check mine, but if i get a look on my face then she uses her woman ability to read me  and helps me out if i get confused. I am open and don't hide anything from my wife..

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10 years 13 weeks ago
 
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Women do that all over the world.

MissA:

Hulk, FFS, stop bunching all women together. I've never once gone through my partner's phone.

 

10 years 13 weeks ago
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Hulk:

Not all women! I'm just saying this isn't exclusive to Chinese women, who will probably just claim "culture" when it happens. I've had my phone spied on by Chinese, Japanese, White and Native American chicks... women are often jealous creatures.

 

Guys do it all the time. ALL of my exes spied on all of my shit. My wife did, too, when we first met. She doesn't anymore.

10 years 13 weeks ago
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My wife and I let each other read each other's shit. We don't hide anything. Though some of the things I say online raise a few eyebrows...

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10 years 13 weeks ago
 
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Shifu

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This is a hard issue to solve and if you have any females with a questionable relationship w/ you in your contact list (暧昧)you're gonna need to slickly change your number and keep them out of your new contacts list.    There's no getting around the privacy issue and it'll come back to haunt you if you don't deal with it quickly and efficiently.

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Shifu

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This is a hard issue to solve and if you have any females with a questionable relationship w/ you in your contact list (暧昧)you're gonna need to slickly change your number and keep them out of your new contacts list.    There's no getting around the privacy issue and it'll come back to haunt you if you don't deal with it quickly and efficiently.

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10 years 13 weeks ago
 
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I know that my wife does it. She's proficient at checking call records on any phone, and I've had to explain deleted messages from women to her in the past. I leave my QQ password unchanged, because I know my wife is suspicious of colleagues and other contacts, especially single women who speak English. I did have the privacy discussion, but got an argument back about wanting to hide things from my wife, so I just let it be. Nowadays I use English QQ on my mobile, and my wife often wants to check my phone, probably because messages there can't be seen when you log in elsewhere. She is worried I might have a relationship with another girl here. If I were her, I wouldn't worry so much about English speakers, and a bit more about any pretty girl I might meet. If I wanted to cheat (which I don't), I wouldn't have communication in mind. But she doesn't know how guys think.

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10 years 13 weeks ago
 
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