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Q: Gratitude/appreciation/thanks...
So, situation:
I met someone and seem to have had a bit of a falling out.
About a week later, I'm on the bus going into the city to a friends birthday dinner, and I've announced that I'll be there (early) to get the table.
Then, a 'moment' comes through on wechat (in Chinese, so I need to translate it).
"Need help, medical issue, want someone with car to take me to the hospital" (paraphrased)
I text back - has anyone answered her?
No-one is able to come (too far away, etc).
Ok, I'm only 10 mins down the road (she, coincidentally, happens to have had this incident next to one of the stops my bus makes), I'll come to you and we'll get a taxi together to the hospital. (obviously, I'm quite aware of how this is likely to completely fk up my plans for the evening - at the very least, throwing them out by a couple of hours! But, yeah, I'm that sort of guy!)
Turns out the hospital trip wasn't actually required...(nothing too serious - minor scrapes, blood, needs food - but not something you want to have to do alone if possible)
That was a number of days ago.
I'm fairly certain she still hasn't even said thanks, let alone any other form of gratitude or appreciation. (if the roles were reversed, I'd be really grateful, and trying to organise some sort of thanks - dinner, lunch, whatever...)
Am I being too precious?
Or is this something that many of us here have noticed? Such displays of gratitude and appreciation are not likely, and even a basic 'thank you' is really difficult to get?
A formal "thank-you" would imply that she owes you a favor - and returned favors do not have to be in scale of the original deed. Perhaps she is embarrassed to be "in debt" to a foreigner and thus the lack of response/acknowledgement.
Or maybe you were not the "white knight" that she was expecting and you ruined her plans of being cared for by that "special someone else."
Nonetheless, you are a good and moral person whose good deed will definitely not go unpunished.
Shining_brow:
I can tell you that the "special someone else" idea doesn't fit into this scenario.
And, no, I'm not 'moral' or 'good'... I have my own sense of ethics. On this occasion, for me, the 'right' thing to do was to help. On a different occasion, it may not be.
A formal "thank-you" would imply that she owes you a favor - and returned favors do not have to be in scale of the original deed. Perhaps she is embarrassed to be "in debt" to a foreigner and thus the lack of response/acknowledgement.
Or maybe you were not the "white knight" that she was expecting and you ruined her plans of being cared for by that "special someone else."
Nonetheless, you are a good and moral person whose good deed will definitely not go unpunished.
Shining_brow:
I can tell you that the "special someone else" idea doesn't fit into this scenario.
And, no, I'm not 'moral' or 'good'... I have my own sense of ethics. On this occasion, for me, the 'right' thing to do was to help. On a different occasion, it may not be.
I think you need to get better friends
What goes around comes back around
'English is very polite language' is my mantra with students in China since.....
Some languages don't have any gratitude words expressed as often as English. I'm hitting here on Chinese, where I rarely hear 'xie xie', and Chinese always act surprised when I say to them all the time.
I would go over this that way.
'Upper' @ 'Sino-face-master'
I quite like the Chinese way of the thank you being there but not being stated. Are we so weak as human beings that every act of kindness, no matter how small or how expected it should be, has to be rewarded with a thank you? Do we always need the gratification being rewarded? It means the time when a thank you is merited it is less powerful
wagon:
So in my building today, a woman held the door for me while my hands were full of groceries and, as a result, I didn't have to put them down and fish for my keys. I shouldn't say thank you? Too time consuming?
dokken:
I meant if they are close friends like the situation above. Its too ingrained for me not to say thank you. I once asked a chinese person about it. They said well "we are beyond that stage of having to say thank you so easily". makes sense in a way
Shining_brow:
I think what you are talking about is called "being taken for granted".
And, FTR, no, I don't actually expect her to be there for me if I'm in trouble and need help. Oh sure, some small stuff - translation, buying stuff, etc.. but the 'big' stuff - nope! Ie, would I think her (or most people) go miles out of their way and drop an important occasion just to help me? Hell no! Someone else's responsibility!
wagon:
If you meant what @dongbei said, then cool. But you didn't come close to that with what you said.
Why did you do it?
Was it for the gratitude, the appreciation, the thanks? Or was it something bigger than that?
Shining_brow:
I often see multiple perspectives on things... so, I did it cos I felt/thought I should.
However, I also see that some thanks ought to be shown/said.
And... honestly, it would impact on my willingness to give such help in the future. There are over 7 billion people currently alive on this planet. I know I can't help all of them (well, ok, there are ways). Over 1 billion in China. I'm not going to go out of my way to help all of them (many...most). So, it's no loss on my part if people are no longer on my radar for me to help them.
It depends on the nature of the relationship. Saying thank you to Chinese can signify distance and unfamiliarity. Close family and friends rarely say it. The understanding is that they'll be there for you too. For someone less close a thank you and returned favor should be expected, in the form of a gift, dinner or helping you out with something. random acts of kindness are not expected.
Shining_brow:
And this is the same culture that expects people to fight over paying a bill... or expects one to refuse a gift multiple times before accepting it... And then makes ludicrously loud noises to congratulate (a superior).
it's also the same culture that has a HUGE issue with saying "I'm sorry", or "I was wrong". So, I'm less inclined to think there's some form of in-built gratitude and appreciation, and much more a lack of empathy or consideration for other people.
Did she try to blame you for the accident, because you are open, free, kind and helpful-to-a-fault? No? That's the closest thing to gratitude the average Mainlander can give. Oh, and expect criticism from mutual friends for making them look bad.
