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Q: Have you ever felt truly accepted as an individual by a Chinese family?
I ask this because there seems to be a lot of stuff going around generally about how we will always be "outsiders" in the eyes of the Chinese. Although this concept exists I beg to differ regarding its pure unanimity, as having lived in Beijing for some time and befriending some great locals here I've actually felt on equal grounds with them.
I'm not married, nor do I have a Chinese girlfriend. I'm just referring to the family of a good friend who frequently invite me round for dinner; not for any underlying reason like speaking English to their children or nephews or whatever, just because there's a mutual liking going on. My friend, (in his early 30s) who I met in a bar a while back, did mention to me that his father had warned him about getting too close to a foreigner, however after some time his concerns dropped.
Some of my happiest memories in this city are sitting around the table in my friend's place with his wife, his uncles, parents and friends, and clinking a few beers whilst digging into a hotpot. Rarely am I treated specially as a guest, and they appreciate it when I try and get involved in topical discussions despite my limited Chinese (which are often political, something Beijingers love to discuss).
Of course this isn't the case for all my acquaintances here, and like most of you normally I am treated a bit differently due to my nationality. As I write this for example, I sit in an office which is mostly taken up by Chinese staff, and although I admit I could make more effort regarding talking to them, I've always felt like "the foreigner in the corner" despite being here for over a year.
Anyway, there's my story. Any of you have similar experiences?
I can count the number of people who I feel accepts me on one hand (using conventional western finger counting)
The first being my wifes dad. He was just like any guy, easy to talk to about anything didn't seem to have any expectations from me except treat his daughter well.
I will have t take the cynical viewpoint here and say that Chinese people rarely make friendship from the perspective of friendship alone. I have some great Chinese friends that go back a long way but I have never met one yet who isn't quick to shout when they want something. It almost seems like a pre-requisite to the relationship. Sometimes it is a simple thing like just wanting a foreign face sat at a dinner table when they do business. On other occasions it is more searching. I don't think it is anything personal or that they are deliberately setting out to use me. I think it is a cultural thing whereby Chinese people are used to having all kinds of relationships and ulterior motives are just part and parcel of the environment in which they live.
All the Chinese I know, both family (in-laws) friends and colleagues treat me as equals and I treat them similarly. I would not befriend anyone on any other basis, family or otherwise.
I rarely accept anyone into my life as some kind of equal insider and I don't seek or expect it from others. If the opportunity is made available to me I will not persue it. This post is all about me,
however, you might consider this a new angle worth considering for yourself.
I didn't live in China long enough to be "accepted" but I did make several real friends in China. It's possible, but you're going to have a ton of "friends" as well. When I move to Taiwan, I hope I make some more friends. It certainly makes it easier to live in another country.
bayuvar139:
I really like your posting because it resonates with me. I am married to a Chinese woman and I was somewhat worried how her family might accept me, like me... a lao wai. However, her entire family has accepted me - even my quirky [to them] lao wai ways. My father-in-law is the best ! He thinks it is great to have a foreigner in the family because it might just open the minds of all of the family to new ways and new thinking.
They all make me feel like I really AM one of the family, even when the speak so rapidly and excitedly to me, until they realize they had 'lost me'... then, much laughter.
I am married to a Chinese man, so my perspective of Chinese people is quite different than that of an expat who resides independently in China. However, because family is so important to Chinese people (and also to me), the need for "acceptance" in my Chinese family was imperative to my happiness in my married life.
When it comes to my Chinese family (general acceptance by Chinese society and "friends" excluded. Chinese society is kind and generous to outsiders and visitors...as long as they stay outsiders and visitors.) I have never felt unaccepted. I have felt left-out and strange, but still "accepted".
This said, it has taken time. My husband and I married almost three years ago, and in the beginning it was very hard! I didn't speak Chinese well at the time, and none of my Chinese family spoke English well enough to hold a conversation. I would go to family gatherings and dinners and feel absolutely lonely. My Chinese family also, had they known my language, had no idea what to make of me. It took a long time for just my father and mother-in-law to accept me and my ways for what they were, and for all of the parts that they couldn't understand to let go and accept those oddities.
I now have an excellent relationship with my husband's family. They actually feel like... family, and I have come to love them.
I think when people (on both sides of a relationship) start to put aside the barriers that they put up so strongly, and let go of all those things that they don't understand and "can't get past", they can truly start to see one another for what they are: human beings that laugh, love, and cry...too. Right now, the "westerners" and Chinese people are just trying to coexist. Acceptance will come when the time is right for both sides.
Yes my wife's family have totally accepted me. My wife and I were married without them ever meeting me first.
Once the father invited me to dinner about 1 month later, I was accepted by her 2 brothers and 1 sister and their spouses. The father is the patriarch.
We bought a unit and they decorated it.
We communicate only thru my wife, my niece and my poor Chinese but still, I am part of the family.
I don't wish to sound like a troll and do agree that there are some great people here, but I would also add that it takes a long time to really get to know someone. Particularly if there are cultural and language barriers. There could be a few other explanations for "mutual liking going on":
1. It could be kudos from others for having a foreign friend (I know that sounds weird but some people just want to stand out and having someone with you that looks different will do that),
2. It could be the belief that you present some opportunity (e.g. business related), or
3. It could also be simple networking. Many people here think in networking terms even if they wouldn't express the relationship in those terms themselves.
- It is particularly easy to mistake friendliness with friendship for anyone in the "honeymoon" phase of expatism. Smiling and buying you a drink, a friend does not make.
My wife has more problems with her family than I do. I always pester her to fly them over here and such. Maybe it's just the man in me wanting to show I took care of their daugher. BUt frankly, I'd love to take her Dad fishing and such. He's an okay chap.
