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Q: How to deal with my parents?
My mom said to me that she agrees me to date foreign men,but he has to stay in China with me.Or she won't allow me to marry a foreign guy.Cas she said Dad and her are getting older,she wants me and my future foreign huaband to stay in China.Yeah,I can undrstand, I will try my best to take care of them.But she is very selfish,she told she won't let me to marry the guy I like if we are not living in China.But my guy also has his parents to take care,I shouldn't too selfish to keep him always stay in China,we need to go between 2 countries.
Any idears to deal with my selfish parents?
11 years 28 weeks ago in Relationships - China
It depends on the guy. Some will be willing to stay in China, some will want to go home, some will be willing to stay for a while but eventually go back to their home country when the children get to a certain age. In China, parents seem to need their children around, whether for their children to take care of them, or for them to take care of their grandchildren. It's a cultural difference, and the law is also different when it comes to taking care of your parents.
When you start dating a foreigner, discuss it with him. I am sure he will be honest with you, and the two of you can figure out where you will live. Someday you will also have to discuss where you will live when you have children. Since he will be a foreigner, your children can have his country's citizenship. Your children could go to school in his country. Again, you'll have to discuss it with him. Every person is different, find one that wants the same things in the future that you do.
Victoria1987:
Now I won't tell everything honestly to my parents,or they might ruin my relationship.Cas children and parents live closely in our culture.Sedom a person can find the gal/guy he/she likes if he/she always listen to their parents.
It's a difficult one, i'm in the same situation (sort of). My wife's parents don't pressure her to stay here forever, but there is naturally a sense of responsibility from both me and my wife toward our respective families. If both you and your boyfriend have reason to believe you will need to be be physically present throughout your parent's old age you may be walking into a relationship that has no future.
Victoria1987:
I just don't wanna keep my future boyfriend with me when he is missing his homecountry,it is cruel.Better for us to go between 2 countries if possible.
My parents have 3 daughters,my big sister married a man in the same city with my parents,she often lives with my parents,my younger sister lives with my parents and work in a company 10 minutes bus away ,even she is single.My parents wanna keep all of their children together with them.They think too much for themselves,sometimes feel why not they sometimes think in my way also?mArtiAn:
That's what me and my wife would like to do, though it's not such a realistic aim when you have a child in school.
Victoria1987:
Chinese parents generally are good,but like putting pressure on their children.If I date a foreign guy:They will question like that:
1,Which country?
2,What is his job?And how much salary he can get?
3,Will he live in China?Or if not,you can't marry with him,cas you have to stay with me when we are old.
mArtiAn:
Sounds like your parents have plenty of family around them if they need them. I have three brothers and a sister so I don't worry too much about not being there to help if there's a problem, but that's not the only reason you want to be around your family, of course. We come from different cultures though, in my family it is understood that if my wish is to move away then it is to be respected. If it is truly your wish to move away with your boyfriend, I think they should respect that.
Hello
Explain to your parents like you did above, about your having sisters. Also, make it clear that you are not abandoning them, nor are you leaving your sisters alone to deal with them. Explain how you and your husband will come to China from time to time for holidays and that in case of an Emergency, you and your husband will always be ready to help. If your husband can speak chinese, and tell them that as well, that he will also take care of them just like his own parents (after all, they are the parents of the person he loves most in the world) that too should help ease your mothers fears.
If all else fails, Marry him, stay in china, and then, if things do not work out here, and he just cannot remain any longer, then "sorry mom, but the situation changed. After x years, he just has to go back to US/UK/etc.").
Best of luck!
Victoria1987:
My mom worries if tomorrow is the only day she will be in this world,it is too late for us to fly back to China to see her.But yeah,your answear is very reasonable,thanks
I think it was easier for my wife's and my age group
there was no 1 child policy in the 60s and early 70s so she has 2 sisters and a brother
Maybe if you explain the benefits to them with you living in a foreign country they might see thing differently
You will have more disposable income to send home
any future grandchildren will have a good education and will also in the future help the family
also gives your parents more opportunity for them to travel abroad
It is worth a try
I liked your question but feel sorry for your problem
Best of luck
Victoria1987:
also gives your parents more opportunity for them to travel abroad
I think this can work
No advice, but a question for you:
Why do you have to marry a foreigner? Have you considered what dating outside of your own culture entails?
It's premature to worry about your parents' current attitude when you (by the tone of your post) haven't even begun dating a foreigner yet. Maybe, after dating the same guy for two or three years (at least) your attitude and that of your parents may change.
It's also a tough call on what the future will bring - maybe China will open up completely and allow foreigners permanent residence, or maybe it will close again and kick all foreigners out. Being married to a foreigner does not ensure that you can get accepted into his country, either.
Be patient and take things step-by-step...your parents are your parents for life and there's no point in creating a breach with them over an issue that may or may not pan out for some time to come.
Since I cannot post replies to messages, I'll edit my post instead. You are intent on a foreign boyfriend "because you like a European look"...same reasoning why people buy exotic puppies that they later abandon as nuisance dogs. You call your mother selfish...you want her to only see your point of view...hence, by your own definition, you're selfish. You display the same maturity that a foreign guy would consider "cute" until your fangs and claws grow out. Sorry, girl, you better grow up.
Yes, it's entirely your choice, but you cannot expect people to only post what you want to hear (read).
It seems that guys on these threads get blinded by any post by a female and turn into White Knights...sometimes people need to have their minds opened and think.
maggiegirly:
LOL,man,I liked your question cause it made me laugh,Thanks for that.
Actually,I did ask her or anther girl who wants to marry a foreign guy ? I could not remember now.they didnot answer my question. lolVictoria1987:
I am tired of answering questions why I wanna a forein bf.If you come here for not respect people's choice,so plese don't answer my post.My post only welcome people who is understanding and kown how to respect.sorry,man,you better go.
Victoria1987:
Since I have post that I like European looking guy.Many people don't show respect,ask me questions like a child.I did have 2 foreign ex,so that is why I post a question now for my future,I am not a one never dated a expat.
philbravery:
I don't think it is wrong for anybody to have a mental picture of their perfect partner
A girlfriend of mine from East Timor had it in her head that she wanted a African American Husband and that is exactly what she did (pitty she married a Jerk )
If Victoria wants to marry a foreigner then that is her choice
What would you say if this was about a Gay girl wanting to be with another girl?
Similar situation just diffrent label.
maggiegirly:
Victoria,People ask you why ,it doesn't mean that they don't respect you,It's just because people are curious for things and want to find out,that's the point.It's no good in a way sometimes.
You can ask guys here,why some guys have yellow fever? LOL,It's the same.
I am sure they will understand you.
Victoria1987:
I got that repeated questions again and again.Cas the point is I only like European looking guy,so people keep asking questions agaian and again.I don't see that is a respect way.I get affened.Sorry,I am very sensitive about that questions.Franky speaking,I gor insulted from this forum before.Some guys told cas I wanna western passport.Many people even didn't kown how to respect people.
maggiegirly:
take it easy and don't care what other people think,Otherwise you won't be happy.Some people just enjoy making people get angry,Its fun for them ,they are just trolling,So don't let them to bother you.
I have to say,Your parents are not really selfish,maybe they are not open minded in a way,all they want to have you around them especially when they are old,nothing wrong with that, luckily,My parents are open minded,so they support me whatever I do,as long as its a right thing,plus I have a sister and a brother.They can take care of my parents even when I am not in China.
well,When you start dating a foreigner at the beginning ,you should tell him about your ideas ,He will show you his ideas .then decide where to live. that's what I did when I met my husband at the very beginning.I told him that I am not sure when i will be ready to leave China,but I will leave China for you one day when time is ready,and You have to move to China for me and stay here at least 2 years(so strict ,just wanna make sure he's as serious as me lol), so ,he made it and its been nearly 2 years now.He enjoys living here and My mother in law likes China too,she already came here 3 times .Now we are thinking about making babies next year,My husband and my mother in law wants me to have baby in Australia,But to be honest,I still not so ready to leave China yet, cause I like my country ,everything is familiare with me here.
Maybe I will be more ready next year,who knows.
Victoria1987:
My parents put a big pressure on my sister,then she maried a man she doesn't love.Now she is misrable,she is sad,she has a babe with that man.She wants to get divorced,but my parents won't let it happen cas they think she should be with that man until she died cas the babe has been born.My sister is only 30,that is unfair for her.
My parents wanna my little sister get a guy to marry ,then to give the babe our family name,cas they think they don't have son. Except these,my parents are great.They love us ,and give us a lot.But when it came to marriage,my parents will put a lot of pressure on us.As daughters,we think more for them,but my parents try to think more for thmseleves,if possible,they will force us to give up the men we wanna be.That is selfish. I appreciate they give me a lot,but I don't wanna live as they wish to be.Or I will not really happy.Especially my mom,she is very narrow minded about this,my Dad is better.My little sister is the same.Maybe cas they seldom go out of our small city.crimochina:
i hate to say this but your parents are exactly why i stay busy in china. married women like your sister often step out on their husbands with guys like me. thank you china
Victoria1987:
hahaha.Just get a emotion attack recently.I will just lie to my parents the guy I am going to marry will stay in China,after few years,god kowns,hahahaha.
My sister,she is too weak to say no.I will never be like her.30 is a young age,she just wastes it.
sweety i have the answer to your situation. date me for 2 months. bring me home to meet your parents. (i a fat ugly black guy, and i'm poor) tell them that you are happy that you found a foreign guy willing to stay in china the rest of his life. (because i am here to escape 10 child support cases)
they will beg you to find another guy. that is when you tell them, the only other guy you can find is willing to pay a 20k dowry but wants you to leave china with him.
Victoria1987:
Read your post makes me sad,don't say you are not good.I guess you are a decent guy.
Jnusb416:
She is not going to understand your post. Do you like making her mad? 
crimochina:
vicky: it is a joke. (bring home a bad guy that is going to stay in china and they will accept a good guy who will leave china.)
why does it make you sad?
phil: i'll have you knoe i 've been called Sydney poiter if he gain 100lbs and was beaten in the face with a bat.
crimochina:
jnus: there are 2 powerful emotions anger and love one can easily lead to the other.
Victoria1987:
I hate making people sad.well,crimochina,your joke worked.
When I was talking to my GF about marriage, she wanted to live in Canada, but wanted to return to China every 2 years. That was acceptable to me, I'd even come too. Maybe your parents would accept that also. As much as I like China and I know I can live there cheaper, I really think I have a better quality of life in Canada.
Victoria1987:
Every 2 years is too long for me.If my guy is from Canda,I would like to bring my parents together back to Canda .Or I might come back least every three monthes.My parents gave me a lot,I will make them happy.Even I am mad at them about their controling and a little selfish sometimes.
They are getting old,I won't leave them alone for a long time.
TedDBayer:
going home every months is a bit much I think, ever consider what that would cost, about 50,000 rmb?, It will take years to get your parents immgrated to Canada
