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Posts: 36

Governor

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Q: How do you handle the space in your relationship?

This is the first time i'm in a relationship with an expat. I'm a chinese girl but with what you say a decent citizenship:)
Currently, i'm in china for a vacation. Yesterday, my bf texted me but i did not receive it. And then, he called me several times, but unluckily, my cell was out of battery and turned off automatically. Today, finally, he reached me and he was very unhappy. I said sorry and explained everything but he is still unhappy,very very unhappy.
I have to admit that we have some differences but i do love him a lot.
My question is do you guys want your gf contact you everyday? I do care him but i'm quite independent and i also want to leave him some space. How do you handle this space in your relationship?
Thanks a lot

8 years 7 weeks ago in  Relationships - China

 
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Posts: 1318

Shifu

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You will have to communicate with your boyfriend to figure how just how often your relationship needs for you two to be able to talk.  And this will not remain constant, and will change depending on each's daily activities and your moods.  Mine has changed from talking daily for hours to sending each other a message once a week letting the other know we're still alive, and back to the hours of end talking.  There is no easy answer, you just have to keep talking to your partner and learn each other's needs in this.

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8 years 7 weeks ago
 
Posts: 3339

Emperor

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This kinda crap happens. Don't worry about it. 

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8 years 7 weeks ago
 
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Ice Anna, it all comes down to a difference in customs and traditions.  For foreigners, "love" needs to be taking care of everyday.  like ffor example you water a plant each day, put fertilizer on every two weeks or so, and then you will get beautiful blooms and fruit, love needs to be taken care of on a daily basis for it to continue growing strong and provide happiness for both. 

I was told once in china by a Chinese wife that she had told her husband once thyat magical phrase "I LOVE YOU".  Afterwards, there was no need to repeat it because he already knew that.  if you couple this with "no public displays of affection", and when in the privacy of the bedroom so many other "no-no's", it is not surprising why Chinese men have so many mistresses while having beautiful wives at home.

It is not only that he will "need" to show you his love, he will also want to see, to feel yours for him.  It is so nice to be loved, wanted by your sweetheart.

I will tell you one secret.  You concentrate to make him happy, do the things he likes or wants.  You will see that very soon he will also concentrate on making you happy, doing the thinks you like.  Because after all, happiness together is taking care of eachother to thye best of your abilities.  So, do not worry about you, and what you want, but find out what makes him phappy, and you will have a hell of a relationship.

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8 years 7 weeks ago
 
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good for you for being independent! Just because you are in a relationship with him, doesn't mean you have to lose your independence. Any man secure and confident (not egotistical) will appreciate your independence. While you are learning what makes him happy, he needs to be learning what makes you happy. Otherwise, he will forget you have needs too. This is a time when you both should be learning what makes the other happy. You should be working out how to compromise (which does not equal fighting). Don't let him control you. Shit happens. Don't lose your independence for anyone, or you will regret it later, and that will cause more hardship on your relationship than a dead cell phone battery. 

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8 years 7 weeks ago
 
Posts: 1933

Shifu

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  I couldn't; imagine a relationship where we couldn't find time to text a quick hello every day. That takes about one second. Frig, even on my busiest days I usually send a few texts out to friends, and I'm not even that social. I can't imagine neglecting the person I'm supposed to be walking through life with in that way.

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8 years 7 weeks ago
 
Posts: 2256

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First of all, you should remember to charge your phone regularly. I don't understand why this is such a problem for so many people. Second, I think if you don't talk to the person you love every single day it's ok. But if that person tries to contact you, you should reply. If it makes him happy, send him a short text every day, about how your day went, or something interesting you did. You can do that even though you are on vacation. Take his feelings into consideration. Does he want that much space, or is it just you?

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8 years 7 weeks ago
 
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He may actually like to buy for you. It is his way of showing that you are special to him. But he also wants some appreciation. How do you show your love? Did you just tell me once 3 weeks ago that you loved him and now that you said it, you feel there is no requirement to repeat it or express any love?

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8 years 7 weeks ago
 
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It happens sometimes. Just try to remember to keep your phone charged. Us foreign men can get very suspicious when our ladies drop off the radar... And if he starts acting like a douche then tell him that. Maybe you should set up a time of day for phone calls.

 

I call my girl every day at a specific time (10pm) so she knows to be ready for it. And then she messages me on weibo when she's supposed to be working all day. But that's her choice and I like it! 

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8 years 7 weeks ago
 
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it sounds like your boyfriend is a little bit needy. (high-maintenance??)

I have the same problem here with my Chinese gf, but I find it strange if a man acts this way.

At home most guys prefer some space and an independent girl.

If I don't communicate at least once a day, in some fashion, with my gf, she thinks I am with another girl!surprise  Is he paranoid?

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8 years 7 weeks ago
 
Posts: 192

Governor

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Well, to handle the relationship is some sort of an art

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8 years 6 weeks ago
 
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How long have you been together?

Obviously, not long enough to a) build up trust, and b) not long enough to have sorted out the boundaries, and probably c) not long enough to really know what is really important to each other (or at least, to sort out how to respect those difference).

For ME (and I speak only for me) - I like my space! I had a Chinese gf who seemed to want to be with me every single day - and to chat very regularly - even though she had nothing to say (which really really really annoys me!). When she was over, it was difficult for her to actually focus on her work, and I swear, every 10 minutes she would come to me just to do something for the attention (or something...). It didn't help with her much needed study!!! (OTOH, she was quite ok when she was cooking for me/us - which, FTR, was completely by her choice, and she did it even before we were together... It think she felt she owed me for the language skills she was developing!) But, I gave her trust - and she had that with me! I could go out with female friends, and it was ok. Too bad that it was after we parted (due to her moving cities) that she had a chat with one of my female friends from back home, who told her that space is a good thing!)

 

YOU need to decide what you want and need in YOUR relationships.

 

Only ONE person is responsible for YOUR happiness....for the rest of your life!

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8 years 6 weeks ago
 
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