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Posts: 118

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Q: How do you tell your Chinese fiancee the man is not required to pay for everything?

my fiancee' seems to think the man is responsible to pay for everything.

We are in our 50s and she does not have any children.

I can understand if I worked and she took care of the children.

But she has her own work and I cannot work in China (L visa) but get  a pension in China. 

I tell her we both need to pay equally for our expenses.

Any answers?

9 years 29 weeks ago in  Relationships - Other cities

 
Answers (22)
Comments (24)
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find a new fiance , she want change her mind, unless you get her out of china.

good luck

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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
Posts: 1633

Shifu

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You guys are engaged and are just getting to this subject now? I fear it may be too late for you my friend. Looks like a definite no win situation.

GuilinRaf:

On the contrary! It is a REAL win situation....FOR HER!!!!

9 years 29 weeks ago
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derek:

Due to this recent revelation, I sir, stand corrected. What an oversight on my part.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
Posts: 2765

Emperor

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She is simply trying to take advantage of you. That's all this is and you know it. You know you must sort this out before you get married. By 'sort out' I mean you both expressly agree to split expenses. 

If you agree to pay for everything then you will pay for everything while she saves all her money.  That's not exactly fair, is it?

Agree to split expenses. Either that or get ready to buy her everything plus whatever additional toys she wants forever or until you depart.

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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
Posts: 2391

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I thought you only got divorced two weeks ago?

maggiegirly:

3 weeks ago he said last month LOL.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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GuilinRaf:

Fiance, Girlfriend, divorce....

Even I am getting confused!

9 years 29 weeks ago
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maggiegirly:

Me too,Guilin.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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BiLi:

me too ~ Bili

9 years 29 weeks ago
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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
Posts: 263

Governor

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It's a typical gold-digger situation. If you don't bring the issue out into the open (at the risk of breaking up), you'll be shelling out for the rest of your life (or your marriage).

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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
Posts: 2584

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Tell her that we will play a game tonight. Have her draw a name out of the hat. IT's either gonna be you or her. Tell her if she draws your name you pay, but if she draws her name she has to pay!

GuilinRaf:

How about this instead:

"If you draw my name, you treat me. If you draw your name I get treated by you....".

 

9 years 29 weeks ago
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9 years 29 weeks ago

There are cookies, bookies and too many rookies for me to sit here trying to be a hooky! Looky Looky don't call me a wooky. Touchy Touchy Feely Feely Spicy Spicy Nicey Nicey & that's what the doctor Ordered!!

 
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Wait,she can help you to extend your visa after married as you were looking for a way to extend your visa after had a divorce in one of your earlier post(around 1 or 2 months ago),probably that's the visa fee.

Fair enough I guess.

BiLi:

another marriage, another visa extended ~ ha ha

I see I have friends watching out for me.  

9 years 29 weeks ago
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Hulk:

Dude, marriages aren't supposed to be so disposable... lol.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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ambivalentmace:

dont get married to extend visa , just find an open minded western lady to add you as a finace on her work visa , you can stay on visa for as long as she is here.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
Posts: 417

Governor

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so you are both in your 50s? id say tell her to hit the road if she doesn't change her mind,its not like your being stingy, trust me you are in a much better situation to find another girl and she knows this, she will quickly consider it ,its not like shes gonna find another man tomorrow at that age. 

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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
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Perhaps slightly off topic, but... am I the only one who doesn't mind this? I guess I'm quite old fashioned. Where I come from, the salaryman takes care of the family. The wife takes care of the household... a lot of Chinese still think that way. I give my wife my salary. Pretty much all of it.

 

I actually prefer if my wife doesn't work, but she can if she wants. The idea isn't for her to be dependent on me, but rather for her to enjoy her life, live leisurely, and take care of our kids/household while I bring home the bacon.

 

With that said, the answer to your question is this: COMMUNICATION. It's so damned important in relationships, especially at the beginning. You're 50 years old, so you've had a long enough time to think about this. Just talk to her... get these things out of the way BEFORE you get married!

MissA:

Hulk, I dislike this set up for two reasons: my grandmothers.

 

Grandma- married to what sounds like a wonderful man, my maternal grandfather who I never got to know. Unfortunately he got emphysema while my mother was still young, leaving grandma with small kids, medical bills (this was pre-medicare in Australia) and no income after they lost the farm due to said medical bills.

 

She went out to work.... as a factory lady (that's what popping kids out without a degree or qualifications does for your career prospects). Had they taken a more modern approach - i.e. grandma'd had a degree and work experience to fall back on, then she would have been much better equipped to look after the family.

 

My nanna worked a crappy job while doing everything else herself as my other grandfather was, by the testimony of all his kids, a right dickhead. She was a talented writer and storyteller, but never really got to develop that talent. These stories are depressingly common for the time.

 

The man-work-woman-is-financially-dependent model works only if a. the man is a good person; b. he stays fit and healthy as long as he is needed as the breadwinner and c. he stays employable and employed. That's way to many risks for me. And that's before you even start on the desires, goals or talents of the women themselves!

 

Of course this doesn't directly reflect on the OPs situation, as they're in their 50s and have no kids.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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Hulk:

Life insurance is great nowadays. Million dollar bounty on my head.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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Shining_brow:

Hulk, She works, He doesn't... seems not right to get the person without the income to pay for everything, just because of what's between the legs (and societal stereotyping and prejudice).

9 years 29 weeks ago
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Hulk:

He's on a retirement pension, which  probably goes a long way here.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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MissA:

Swallowed by the medical bills, Hulk.... they really tried to keep him alive, must've liked him! And in any case - that wouldn't have helped my nan.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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ambivalentmace:

hulk , make sure you know where the money is , a foreign friends wife died in taxi accident and she took care of all the money, he did not even know the bank she kept it in. like you said communication, also be careful about the wife giving you a small allowance to keep you away from fraternizing, because then you have no money for honey, birthdays, mothers day, wedding anniversary, christmas for her.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
Posts: 2418

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I was raised that the guy pays for everything.  After marriage, it might be a different story if she works.  That is when both people work at building a financial future together.  If she works, great.  If she doesn't and takes care of the home instead, that is great too.

 

But when dating, I pay for everything.  That is just the way I was raised.

Hulk:

Same, John. Same.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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Amonk:

That's what I thought, too... 

9 years 29 weeks ago
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Shining_brow:

Question: if you pay for everything while dating, and then you expect things to be different when married - at what point do you bring this subject up? You know, the one where she's had an easy ride, but after the ring goes on, it's not more freebies???

 

For me, it's 100% important that the girl doesn't just expect to be showered like a little princess... i want a woman, not a child.

 

(obviously, that's just my opinion :D)

9 years 29 weeks ago
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Xpat.John:

When you are dating a woman, it is very easy to tell her character even if you are paying for everything.  The good ones will try to pay, then insist on paying, then finally they will not let you take them anywhere expensive so that you can save money.  And they will pay their share in their own way, by doing things like stocking your fridge when you aren't there, or buys you nice gifts, etc...

 

I didn't let my wife pay for a thing when we dated, and even after we were married I wouldn't let her pay for meals when we went out.  

9 years 29 weeks ago
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BHGAL:

You make it sound so simple..... and it is....I agree with you...... all in the way we were raised..... pretty hard to get away from that, when it just seems "right"

I think last night. women's day, was the first time in a year and half here..... that I have brought out my wallet and actually paid for a dinner out............ up to now, somebody else (family and/or friends) always paid ............... sometimes my wife, with our money I suppose....... first time, last night from my pocket.

9 years 29 weeks ago
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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
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go out to a restaurant leave your wallet at home, don't tell your partner of course. And she will learn pretty quickly.

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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
Posts: 118

Governor

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I gave her 4 days to work with me together in our marriage. I will let you know how it turns out. I am in my 50s .I haven't lived this long without learning a lot. Thanks for the inputs.

 

uuuuhhh don't take it to seriously. We are not married yet.angel

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9 years 29 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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I'm in a simliar situation.  My fiance has always been really good about being independant and not asking for money.  She also knows that it's not in my culture to pay for everything and that people share expenses for things. Never been a problem in that area.

 

However as the wedding gets closer her FAMILY keeps asking questions about if I can take care of them or not when they get older.  It's very annoying actually and I think it's quite rude.  I just had to put my foot down and make it real clear to my finance that this isn't part of my culture and the truth is that I probably wouldn't even have the extra money to do something like that.

 

I made it very clear that if I have some extra money and someone I care about needs help I usually have no problem to help them. At the same time though it's not my responsibility to take care of her family nor is it in my culture so either accept that or leave.

 

 

In your situation.... you need to put your foot down now. Make it very clear how you feel.  You don't want this problem to keep coming up after your are married.  Especially if non pre-nup is signed.

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9 years 28 weeks ago
 
Posts: 153

Governor

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Oooh that's tough. My Chinese fiance thought he had to pay for everything at the beginning of our relationship which I thought was due to saving face. Over time, I explained to him that we in the west like to pay for things 50:50. He now understands the concept but still loathes it. The compromise we've reached is that when he pays for the entire bill at the restaurant, I pay the next time. Overall though, he still pays for a lot of things despite me constantly protesting.

 

I'm sorry but I can't help but wonder if your fiance is a bit of a gold digger. I know a lot of women here who offer to pay for things all the time.

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9 years 26 weeks ago
 
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I have been dating this girl for a few months now, and noticed that I almost all the time pay for our dinner, drinks and entertainment when we go out. However, I have  noted that she always has my place clean, she buys the food, detergent , soap, etc. and other household items even though she does not live with me. And these purchases are out of her own pocket and she never  EVER asks me to compensate her. So, in my book at least, the whole thing seems to balance out in the end.

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9 years 26 weeks ago
 
Posts: 40

Governor

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shit do we have the same fiancee ? cause she is just holding the same opinion as yours

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9 years 26 weeks ago
 
Posts: 118

Governor

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Well, had to buy her a train ticket and send her to her sisters permanently.

END OF STORY.

GuilinRaf:

thumb up to balance the down.

I thought it was funny....

9 years 26 weeks ago
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9 years 26 weeks ago
 
Posts: 6321

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男人不能付出的一切!!

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9 years 26 weeks ago
 
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Hello everyone, I am a Chinese girl. Please don't call it a gold-digger situation, actually because it's a Chinese traditon that men pay for everything when they are in a relationship. Even after they get married, a lot of women don't work and just stay at home to take care of the kids and households. And some husbands give all their salaries to their wives to arrange.Surprise? But cuz you people don't know much about our culture, please talk with your lovers, communication is really very important since there're cultural difference. I believe you can find a good way to solve this problem. Good luck!

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9 years 17 weeks ago
 
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It is a cultural difference for sure. Ask any Chinese couple and they will tell you that the man pays for everything when they are together. I am not Chinese and when I have gone on dates with Chinese guys they have paid for everything for me. I talked with a Chinese friend about this and he said he would be offended if a girl tried to pay, particularly in the early stages of the relationship. Comapred to western standards it is old fashioned but Chinese men see it as their responsibility to pay, and Chinese women probably never give it a second thought. People need to stop calling Chinese girls gold diggers all the time. It is just down right rude.

t91camp:

Gold diggers are gold diggers, whether the reason is greed or "cultural" (culturally accepted greed). Just like cheating Chinese husbands are still cheaters, even though the reason they do it is because their women are 100% financially reliant upon them and thus can't leave them as a result of infidelity. Hmm...

9 years 17 weeks ago
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stringdancing:

is you one? takes one to know one.

9 years 17 weeks ago
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9 years 17 weeks ago
 
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 when dating, guy pay for everything.  That is just the way I was raised.  +1

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9 years 8 weeks ago
 
Posts: 3762

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it depends on who invited whom on the date: Man invites, he pays. Woman invites, she pays. It gives a degree of equality to the relationship.

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9 years 8 weeks ago
 
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