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Sign up with Google Sign up with FacebookQ: HOW TO RECOGNIZE ZOMBIES (and protect your brains)
The following is highly controversial if interpreted as I indended. However, it is a critique on BEHAVIOUR and VALUES, so in itself does not constitute hate speech.
No doubt it can be interpreted as such, but this is only when people and their behaviour are seen as inseparable.
If I believed they were inseparable, I would have no reason to write this: I would simply give up and stop hoping to change people.
HOW TO RECOGNIZE ZOMBIES
(1) Do they consider poisons and ritualistic concoctions to be medicinal? Do they appear unfazed if the rags they wear barely cover their bottoms?
Do they look an unhealthy pale or yellowish undead colour? Are they taking steps to revitalize their healthy colour, or trying to make it worse?
(2) If you are in need of assistance, do they appear willing to help you, or pounce on you in a moment of weakness?
Do they sympathize with individual zombies, or only with their group? Do they consider others, zombie or not, in their actions?
(3) Are they slow and easily tackled individually, but fast and agile when attacking in groups?
Does their courage stem from the group, and are they capable of inhuman cruelty and violence when backed by the group?
Do they display any awareness or remorse after committing wrongdoings?
(4) Do they respond to topics as engaged individuals, or merely attack anything that potentially harms Zombie-kind?
(5) Can you hear human emotions in their communication, or does it sound more like a monotonous cacophony of grunts, chirrups, warbles and clicks?
Even if you decipher their speech or diabolical script, does anything they say make sense?
(6) Do they appear to follow a method of logical reasoning, or singlemindedly follow a single goal, not necessarily in their best interest?
Does being an accepted member of the zombie horde seem to be the overarching consideration in their minds?
(7) Do they like to recognize the bodyparts they devour? Do they enjoy eating skin, bones, tendons, ears, feet and entrails?
(8) Are they interested in learning from and adapting to different people, or do they think they know all they need to know about you?
(9) Do you encounter less resistance from them if you emulate them by shuffling around at the same pace? Does unconventional thinking turn them hostile?
(10) Are the most powerful zombies leading the others by displays of cruel strength and conspicuous selfishness? Do they only dream of being the top zombie?
HOW TO PROTECT YOUR BRAIN
(1) If you are asked: "Do you like zombies?", say YES. It will appease them and brand you a low-level threat. This will buy you time.
Also mention flesh. It's a little more involved than grunting "Brains." all day, but this is real life, not the movies.
(2) If a zombie commits a hostile, disreputable or unhygienic act to you or anyone, do not respond. Shuffle along like nothing happened.
(3) If you are overpowered by zombies in uniforms, do not resist. Your best survival chance is inaction.
They are being watched by humans, so they hopefully won't eat your brains. Perhaps you have relatives who can shuffle in and release you easily.
(4) Zombie environments are toxic to humans. Try to wear face masks where they are most numerous, to prevent adverse health effects.
There is no way to halt the destruction of the environment into wasteland on your own. All humankind must fight to halt the advance of Zombie-kind.
(5) Zombie tools and products are usually mimicked from humans, but may be toxic or poor quality.
When you have no alternatives, you must take a chance with them. Some items are incredibly cheap, but you may end up paying more in the long run.
You can also purchase edible flesh from zombies, nowadays. But the health risks are numerous, as mentioned already.
Mostly, they prepare flesh by recipes passed down over thousands of years. You must have a strong stomach, and be prepared for lots of skin and bones.
(6) Zombies have embraced Evil, which means that they will only display ingenuity for backhanded and disreputable acts.
Zombies make excellent corrupt bureaucrats, mastermind embezzlers, social scammers, epic thieves, illegal drift-net fishermen, gold-diggers,
hired (police) thugs, nationalistic propagandists, quack doctors, and insane rampaging bosses.
But they will not show any aptitude, willingness or customer service ability for straighforward trade or honest work without an angle or secret scheme to profit illicitly.
(7) Some zombies may appear reasonable, but be careful when attempting to engage them in socially relevant discussion.
When surrounded by other zombies, they all think and talk alike. If you use your head too much, they will eat your brains.
(8) Some people are committed to resurrecting their zombified loved ones. This only has any hope of success if you leave Zombie Nation.
Be advised that even then, some zombies are already beyond redemption. They may appear to thrive in human communities, reaping all the benefits.
But they might remain zombie in their core, still displaying the telltale signs.
(9) Zombies control a lot of resources in their wasteland, nowadays.
Humans everywhere are forced to deal with them, and are increasingly pressured to remain silent at the atrocities they commit.
Don't give in. Don't let your humanity get lost in the confusing gray area. There is a big difference between humans and zombies, and we demonstrate this everyday through our actions.
(10) You'll get knocked down. But you'll get up again. And they're never gonna keep you down.
9 years 50 weeks ago in Health & Safety - China
They sound truely terrifiying. I sure hope there are not many of them in this world.
TedDBayer:
Best way to control zombies spread is make visa difficult.
LoL... wise advice as I am amongst zombies every day... how to escape zombieland?
ha ha, I always said they were zombies. The dumbest question a girl asked me in Philippines was ''Do you really have zombies?" but she meant at home.
Outstanding!
Funny how the zombies I encounter in public are the traditional kind (slow, confused and aimless) but when a bus pulls up and the door opens, suddenly they're the 28 Days Later kind.
Robk:
They turn into the 28 weeks later kind if you offer anything for free...
"Hey zombies, who wants some free aaaaarrrggghhh....!"
There was a report recently about the USA doing a plan for dealing with a zombie attack.
I think it was a training exercise for members of homeland security. But it has made it to the status of an official plan apparently.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/06/homeland-security-warns-the-zom...
Now do Vampires
coineineagh:
you mean those individually powerful, charismatic, semi-romantic creatures with a strong will of their own? ... I got nothing...
Scandinavian:
you're probably right it's going to be a tough one to write.
The only thing I got is the obvious ones "bloodsuckers" and "affraid of the sun"
Do 'Chinese are The Borg Anchesters' ,, starts with Apple inplants, hive collective menallity, why you can't just fight one, explains why Borg are always sleeping at their work stations. Maybe expand on why 7 of 9 's uniform was so tight and those big cajungas.