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Posts: 36

Governor

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Q: Mama's boys vs independent men?

The character of the Chinese man is confusing to me. On the one hand, culture forces him to be incredibly obedient to the family, sometimes living with his family until very late in his life. We also see many very obedient boyfriends and husbands doing absolutely everything for their wives, to the point of being whipped (carrying bags, etc.).

But... aren't women attracted by the independent man, capable of living on his own, making decisions by himself, strong-willed, goal-oriented, etc.?

Does culture clash with that basic rule of attraction?

12 years 8 weeks ago in  Relationships - China

 
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Posts: 2604

Shifu

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I've seen a dating show and it does seem that the majority like independent men rather than mama's boys. First thing is you have to be able to live on your own and make decisions for yourself. That's what I saw at least on the Chinese dating shows. The one's that got accepted were independent men and not mama's boys.

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12 years 8 weeks ago
 
Posts: 1693

Emperor

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I think that culture can be a strong determining factor in the "mama's boy vs. independent" phenomenon, however, at some stage there has to be a breaking of "tradition," and the man (and woman) has to step out and discover who they are, forging  their life for themselves.

The whole process begins with the concept of individualism, however, Chinese culture, generally, promotes the herd mentality, which it uses to foster an "us vs them" mentality; "them" being anyone who is not Chinese. While this binds society together, it also places certain expectaions on those who want to break from the past and try other types of lifestyle.

In relationships, there are many who like independent counter-parts, both male and female. Some go for the "clinging vine" types, while others like a individualistic thinker. This can go both ways. I've heard foreign men remark that some Chinese girls are too dependent, and they look for someone who is able to act mature, and not go all "sa jiao" on them at the least provication or situation.

As far as doing things for your spouse or girlfriend (speaking as a guy cheeky), I do what I do out of my love and wanting to help her. Holding doors, toting packages, getting things for her; all these, and more, show my appreciation for who she is.

None of us can help how we are brought up, but culture can be transcended by exposing oneself to other ideas, attitudes, and influences. What comes out of that is a self-determining lifestyle where you decide what you want out of life, and who you want to spend it with!

Just my opinion!

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12 years 8 weeks ago
 
Posts: 3318

Emperor

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As an independent man, I must say I wish I wasn't so much. My parents both worked when I was growing up. I was doing my own laundry and cooking my own food by age 9. 

It's made marriage a hard adjustment for me because I'm used to doing everything for myself and only for myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not selfish or anything. But, after so many years of independence, I find it hard to work as a team. I'm working on it. 

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12 years 8 weeks ago
 
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