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Q: my daughter wont let me touuch her

am Nigerian and married to a Chinese. we have 2 kids boy and girl. both love me so much than their mother and mother in law living  with us in Beijing. my son is 4 and daughter 2.  2 months ago mother in law took her to her hometown in zhengzhou for holidays and they back to Beijing since 3 days now but she is so scared of me and scream so loud n cry so loud whenever i wanna carry her. if she sees me she will run away to hug my mother in law fir safety as if am amonster. it hurts so deep and she is my favourite. i love her more than the brother and she love me too but after going to zhengzhou and back its a different story.  am dead sad! what can i do? what is the cause? am a good dad with no fault. help

5 years 11 weeks ago in  Family & Kids - Beijing

 
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Just keep spending time with the child. Just you and the mother. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW! I have a young son and although he spends time with the parents in law sometimes I make sure he spends the most time with me and my wife. Grandparents here need to be pushed they won't back off unless you make them. You should really be telling your wife about this. You are a team and should be working together. Tell her how you are feeling and ask her to have the daughter spend more time with you. If you need to move for work consider having all your family go with you. If they can't go with you then you need to ask yourself which is more important MONEY or FAMILY? Try getting a job that allows you to spend more time with your family. I hope everything turns out ok.

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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it sounds like your MIL has probably spoiled and pampered your daughter to such a degree that she no longer accepts you as the first port-of-call for comfort and love.

This is how a culture of dependency is created, apart from anything else, you have no idea what prejudices your daughter has been exposed to while in your MIL's home town. (excuse me for mentioning it, but the fact that you are Nigerian raises potential racist ideas your daughter might have been exposed to)

Talk to your wife about this.

together you should present a united front when laying down the law to your MIL because it is your child, not hers.

This is how they keep control of your family.

 

I am reminded of a couple i know from Beijing.

they had their first child born outside China and sent their son to be raised by his mother in Beijing (her MIL).

when they returned to Beijing to live, the wife told me she had to undo all the indulging and spoiling the MIL had done.

 

They are your children and i'm sure your MIL is a help to you, but she must understand that you and your wife are the primary care-givers to your children.

Family are important, but not to such a degree that your responsibilities and care are undermined by someone else.

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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If this post is true, you are seriously naive. You know how racist Chinese are, you know they tell themselves that foreigners are evil, vile rapists (especially blacks). They love to fill the children's heads with lies and BS to make you seem like a monster.

Don't let the in-laws have unsupervised time with your young children.

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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Does she behave the same to any men around you or only with you?

It sound really unlikely that a daughter changes her natural love for her dad, no matter how MIL is involved or twisted her heart against you. But if the daughter has been somehow manipulated, which again, I can't imagine it, then a time with her will show her the way back to you.

The change, however, it sounds so sudden that she may have experienced something bad while away on Holidays, that makes her reject you. This you should take in consideration and find out, what happened with her while she was with your MIL. Your wife should try to find it out.

How long time was your daughter away from you with your MIL? If it took just a week-end or even a week, it's impossible that a daughter heart be so sudden an shocking turned against you. It's impossible.

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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My wife is nit happy about it too and she can feel my pains too. She was away for 2 months. she calls me by name  and also BABA but wont  allow me touch her. my wife  went to train  station to pick  them  on  arrival  in  Beijing  and  she  called  and  told me  my  daughter refused  her  to  carry  her  but  while  in  taxi she changed  but at  the  station  she  refused and my  wife  was  embarrassed.  My lil cutie driving me nut! I cant  imagine that.

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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My wife is nit happy about it too and she can feel my pains too. She was away for 2 months. she calls me by name  and also BABA but wont  allow me touch her. my wife  went to train  station to pick  them  on  arrival  in  Beijing  and  she  called  and  told me  my  daughter refused  her  to  carry  her  but  while  in  taxi she changed  but at  the  station  she  refused and my  wife  was  embarrassed.  My lil cutie driving me nut! I cant  imagine that.

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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I don't want to be the one to tell you this but.... Zhengzhou is a horribly city with some very cruel people. It is on my top three list of cities I hate in China. 

 

But by the sounds of it... (you mentioned she runs from all men) you may want to consider that a male in the family or a neighbor... has done something to the poor girl. That's the ONLY thing I can think of that may make a 2 year old instantly scared of males. 

 

I would have her medically checked by a doctor and do a bit of research into what males may have been around during her vacation. I know it is horrible to think about... but what other explanation is there?

 

Another possible explanation, this was her first time away from you and she felt like you abandoned her... so now she doesn't trust you. You will have to earn back her love and trust. 

 

Hope that helps! 

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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You're from Nigeria. Which means you're probably black, right?

 

Unfortunately, your MIL may have called you a "black devil," the Chinese equivalent of the "n" word," to your daughter, and said lots of bad things about you behind your back.

 

Also, as everyone else said, try to find out if some man has done something to her. If they did, you know what you must do: you must find a way to kill them secretly without getting caught.

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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Please note: Zhengzhou is the capital of Henan province. Henan province is the AIDS capital of China! Get your daughter tested 3-4 months from the DAY she left Zhengzhou. It's possible some bastard hurt her.

 

If anyone hurt my daughter, I would kill their entire family in front of them, and then poke out their eyes with a hot poker so the last thing they saw/remembered was their entire family dying in front of them. Then I'd let them live long enough to commit suicide in apology. Then I'd shit on their graves!!!

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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I would say it's a phase. I can spend all afternoon with my 2 year old, just the two of us. Then as soon as mum turns up I get pushed away.

 

I agree with other posters here too though, no way would I let anyone take kids away unless  the mum or me was there.

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5 years 11 weeks ago
 
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Good new my friends! I wanna  thank  you all for  your  advice and concern. I have  a good news about  my  beloved daughter. She was allover  me today. She just  wont  let  me  rest. its only daddy all day. She is really  back to me. am  happy  again.  Thanks to  allof  you.

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5 years 10 weeks ago
 
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