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Posts: 2855

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Q: "No, You're really married."

I have been told this several times by Chinese women when they learn my age (32) and that I'm single. That, or they insist that I have a girlfriend in my home country. What the hrll?!

I don't understand this... at all.

Any theories?

9 years 48 weeks ago in  Relationships - China

 
Answers (10)
Comments (14)
Posts: 145

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Life, as perceived by Chinese, is a predefined path, like Disneyland, with time marks and zero room for variation or subtleties.

Everyone's purpose and directions is determined either by the government or by strong social constraints. In their eyes, you cannot be single because you are already past the single-limit time (probably 30 for men, 25 for women). You cannot be single because your parents must have gotten you a girl ready to marry at home. How could it be otherwise: you are 32, unmarried, and since you are a foreigner, you WILL go back to your home country. Boxes tick in the wrong place and it's bugging out.

Do not waste your time explaining unless you know mandarin (it cuts the BS by half).

 

And by the way, it's like this for every single aspect of life, not only personal life. Better be ready for more of those.

Scandinavian:

I think IKEA is a better comparison. In Disneyland at least you can walk around a bit, IKEA forces you through the entire shop. 

 

9 years 48 weeks ago
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KimOnach:

The comparison is brilliant. IKEA is a perfect image of soft oppression and crowd control. I'll use it instead, thanks!

9 years 48 weeks ago
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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
Posts: 4421

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Culture difference. Thats all it is. Learn something new everyday in China.

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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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My ayi (maid) has been confused for months that I'm 25 and not married. Every week she asks me if I'm married yet and whether I need her help with the matter. Over 30 and single in China is (mostly) unacceptable in families. 

juanisaac:

Same thing with me.  The staff where I work at has offered to set me up on blind dates with women. 

Some guy I know drove up with a single girl and told me to talk to her.

9 years 48 weeks ago
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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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Haha when I was 25 it was still kind of acceptable for me to be single, but as soon as I turned 26 EVERYONE from taxi drivers to parents of friends told me I need to get married ASAP 

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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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I dealt with this issue 4 years ago as well. My wife's family all were convinced that I either   had a  family or a girlfriend (in Canada) at the very least. They actually thought I had a girlfriend or wife even after they knew I had been in China for 4 years at that time. 

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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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come on dude, just admit it, we all know you are married back home.  You came to China and left your wife and kid at home.  You never talk to your wife, nor do you have any pictures of her because you do not want to be suspicious.  Strangely your wife let you go to a place over run with "chickens", left over women, and college girls who think white guys are hot.  How did you get your wife to let you to come to China without you?  

 

 

Spiderboenz:

What makes you so sure that I'm white?

9 years 48 weeks ago
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Beautifulsoup:

lol, of all the assumptions I make, saying you are white is the unbelievable one.  I have no idea about you.  I was trying to be sarcastic, sorry the tone did not come across.    

9 years 48 weeks ago
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Beautifulsoup:

and yes, I am just playing along too

9 years 48 weeks ago
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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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when i meet any new ex-pats here, there is no way of knowing their marital status or if/why they are single:

through divorce, death, break-up (good or bad), or just not having met the right person.

I keep being asked: "where is your husband?" or "what does your husband think about you being in China?"

I was so tried of answering the question one day i just said "he is dead".

that stopped that conversation.

 

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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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If not are you married, I get asked when are you getting married? Like the answer will be oh tomorrow. If I answer 'oh idk hopefully closer to my thirties' I get the strangest looks. My students have flat out told me that is too old to get married. 

 

On the other hand one of my guy friend told me his mother said that I will never find a husband because my feet are way too big (Size 8.5 USA, 40 EU). 

 

Thankfully a qualification for being a wife back home doesn't include having children's sized feet. 

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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
Posts: 82

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I explain that American men and American women often can't stand each other in the marital context. I reveal that over forty percent of our first marriages end in divorce, and that in eighty percent of all divorces, the ladies are the ones who file for divorce. Consequently, say I, I deliberately avoided romance until I came to a country with better marriage-minded ladies who wouldn't jump ship the moment they no longer felt that sense of puppy love that they'd initially had for those first few months. "So, I really am single," I insist. "I don't have a secret girlfriend. I'm not secretly married. I'm just not into Western girls, and until recently I was in Western land."

Spiderboenz:

its closer to 60% of all marriages now.

9 years 48 weeks ago
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jleav14782:

I was referring only to first marriages. Second marriages have about a 60% divorce rate. It's higher for third marriages.

9 years 48 weeks ago
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MissA:

Please do not use American and Western interchangeably.

9 years 48 weeks ago
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jleav14782:

Acknowledged. However, it is true that similar trends are occurring throughout the Western countries. Currently, the nations with the worst divorce rates are:
1. Russia
2. Belarus
3. Ukraine
4. Moldova
5. Cayman Islands
6. United States
7. Bermuda
8. Cuba
9. Lithuania
10. Czech Republic
(Source: divorcepad.com/rate/)
Divorce is approximately twice as common in the USA as it is in China. The divorce rate in China is lower than in Thailand, Singapore, Mongolia, South Korea, Japan, and many European nations.

9 years 48 weeks ago
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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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oddly, I don't often get that... nor do I get the women being set up with me... maybe I'm too ugly or something!

 

 

You can tell we're not married - we're not wearing a wedding ring showing our devotion, loyalty and commitment....

 

oh........

jleav14782:

Yeah, I'm all for not imposing our culture on them or anything, but some sort of outward sign of their marital status would benefit everyone

9 years 48 weeks ago
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jleav14782:

.. (accidental double-post)

9 years 48 weeks ago
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Spiderboenz:

not every american who's married wears a wedding band.

9 years 48 weeks ago
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jleav14782:

The vast, vast majority do.

9 years 48 weeks ago
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