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Posts: 82

Governor

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Q: Q for men who live with their in-laws

My inquiry is addressed to any Western man who lives or has lived in China with his Chinese in-laws.

 

What are some rules that you and your wife have established regarding your in-laws, especially with regard to any children you and your wife might have? How have your in-laws reacted to those rules? Did you all eventually come to a mutual understanding, or does that relationship remain bitter and spiteful to this day? What have been the biggest issues that arose between you? How did you resolve them? How would you recommend other men approach those same issues?

 

Thanks.

 

10 years 14 weeks ago in  Relationships - Other cities

 
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Posts: 298

Governor

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How I see it: in-laws should not be part of the decisional process of any choice a married couple ever has to make. Their opinion might be sollicited and taken in consideration, but that's it. This does not prevent, of course, mutual help, either monetary of anything else, in case of hardship from any party  (in a reasonable scope).

 

How I enforced it: by being an alpha male with a clear vision of what I want and don't want. I'm a reasonable person but I Do Not Bend under any circumstance. Mandarin helps too.

 

Very happy marriage.

Hulk:

This.

10 years 14 weeks ago
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10 years 14 weeks ago
 
Posts: 4935

Emperor

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The first rule of living with the in-laws is that you must not be home very often. Otherwise you'll become absolutely insane with all the snide insinuations, the "advice" that makes very little sense, and the constant, oppressive grasp of Chinese culture.

 

Oppression is not a good thing for foreigners. If my freedom is restricted in any way, I lash out. Make sure you establish boundaries. Nobody is allowed to tell you what to do... nobody is allowed to bother you while you're busy breaking the low-quality bedframes, and nobody is allowed to even look at you funny.

 

But, some people here report having great/awesome in-laws. I can confirm that I do NOW, but at the time I wanted to take to the streets and attack random people with meat cleavers until the cops stopped me... like that Dongguan Double Meat Cleaver Brother.

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10 years 14 weeks ago
 
Posts: 205

Governor

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No, hulk is wrong.  You have to be home as often as possible if you have your in laws in your house.  You need to be an active parent and let the mother in law stick mostly to cooking where she is most useful. If you trust them to take care of the kids then you don't have much room to complain when it comes to how they are raising them. That will definitely make for bitter and unhealthy relationships all the way around.  I've seen it with all couples, chinese and foreigners. 

 

Because my wife and I are active parents we didn't have problems in that regard.  The bigger problem is the relationship between the wife and the MIL. You will find you are 2nd fiddle to her plain and simple. Not sure anyone has a good way to fix that other than don't do it

 

Scandinavian:

If the mother in law is mostly cooking, your chances of survival drops

10 years 13 weeks ago
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10 years 13 weeks ago
 
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