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Posts: 2536

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Q: Selling their daughters for a dowry?

OK I am steaming mad.

A good friend of mine just told me she is going back home to find a husband because her father demanded she do this so he can get a large dowry....asap.

He only wants the money, and couldn't care less about his daughter or if she is happy.  Willing to convict her to a lifetime of misery so he can have some money now, and I guess a source of income after.

I told her over and over her father is a sick man who does not care for her, but only for himself, and that she will be miserable for the rest of her life, but she feels she needs to obey him, and won't change her mind.  She tells me she knows he is a bad man, but family is family.

I personally feel like going to her hometown and beating the snot out of this asshole.

 

This world is full of sick people, but why do they seem to be more prevalent here?

 

Is this common?  Do you also have stories?

 

 

 

11 years 50 weeks ago in  Culture - China

 
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Posts: 9192

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I've always read about the pressure to get married, so this is an inside look at what goes on.

My girl friend says I do not understand the way things are. She should tell me. I can not touch her in public now because she gets the eyes of people that think she is with me for money.

She told her mother about me (dad died when she was 3) and that I would have to pay 60,000 RMB dowry if we marry. BTW I have never popped the question.

HappyExPat:

Ted: If it is her first marriage, and still a virgin, you will need to pay a dowry if you really want to marry her, it is the custom here. But not 60K Rmb, does she think she has a golden pussy?. The norm is from 5K to 10K, anything above that is totally ridiculous, and that does not mean sometimes a fool may show up and for lack of kb=nowledge will pay it. And if second marriage, no dowry needed to be paid, it already was paid by first husband. Please be very careful, the truth here in China is very elastic. I have a female friend who lived with boyfriend for 5 years, then broke off without getting married. Later et another fellow and lived with him for 3 years, also did not ended up married, but she is now in a few dating sites selling herself as a "never married, pure 40 years old attractive accountant". She is many things, but "pure" she ain't !.

11 years 50 weeks ago
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TedDBayer:

She never told me until after I came, mother does not approve of me. I brought presents for the family which I have never met. I forwarded them by her. She says she has GF that married foreigner and he never met the family. I did meet one sister, who said I have to have wife and kids someplace. I'm a bit pissed at all this and having to defend myself. I doubt I'd cough up 60,000 for a family that can't respect me. Maybe please take my rubber cheque and don't cash it until I tell you to.

11 years 50 weeks ago
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11 years 50 weeks ago
 
Posts: 960

Shifu

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I don't think we can really judge a persons motives by comparing what is done in China to our Western perception of things. There is no way to determine on face value whether her father is only interested in the dowry or he thinks that it will be also in his daughters best interest to marry a man who will be able to offer her a secure future and who (must?) love her enough to pay the cash to prove it. Yes in our eyes it is abhorrent but it is a tradition that has been in play for a long time. 

I am not sure if even in this day many younger Chinese have an understanding of marriage of choice based on love or why this is so. 

Personally I would like to see things change as I find arranged marriage traditions anywhere( there are far worse arranged marriages in many other cultures than China as we all know) abhorrent. No question about that in my mind . 

What I do question is the notion that the parent who follow these traditions do not care for their children. Jury is still out in for me on that answer.  

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11 years 50 weeks ago
 
Posts: 9192

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What about all the older women and there are tons of them, that want me to come, meet pretty girl? They ask 300 for selling their daughters. this seems to just be for one date i think.

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11 years 50 weeks ago
 
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i had a similar experience went to the damn country to meet the dad and brother dad ignored me (becuase i didnt come bearing gifts puck you!)  she told me that her brother and dad wanted a 20k dowry i was polite and deflected the issue.  but then when they wanted to look at my id to make sure i was american and not african i got up and left and flashed my us of a passport to make sure they knew.  

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11 years 50 weeks ago
 
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I mentioned my  Canadian friend who married his former student in another post. Well, her family demanded Y50,000 RMB as a bride price and they would not budge.

So, he made out a Bankers or Cashiers check, not sure which, and gave it to the parents.

Anyway, during the Wedding Dinner, the father was showing ALL the guests the check, how much he "got" for his daughter.

Then, towards the end of the evening, he gave back the check and "magnanimously" told my friend to use it to buy themselves a house.

It was all about face.

The question is, are you willing to take that chance?

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11 years 50 weeks ago
 
Posts: 783

Shifu

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How do you know what her father wants or is like,there is no real dowry and if there is its on the groom too provide like a house,car,presents for family.China has its traditions same as many countries,we as visitors are here by choice if we dont like it we can leave,they can not so they think very hard about their childs future,and money is a major thought

thedude:

This situation is different. Her mother died a few years ago, she is from a small town and her family is very poor. Her father sent her to the city to work and send him money. But after 2 months it is not enough, so wants her to return and have an arranged marraige for money, so he can get it. He is an asshole....I'm sorry, but cultural differences aside I find this reprehensible and evil.

11 years 50 weeks ago
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GuilinRaf:

Money and tradition. My ex girlfriends parents recently made her break up with me, even though she is an adult, because I am not Muslim.  She may be an adult and have lived independently for more than 5 or 6 years, but tradition is very strong for many families and not always can we do anything about it.

Their country, their rules. It may stink but sometimes we are stuck.

11 years 50 weeks ago
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paulmartin:

dude,life is not fair,might overcomes right all the time,but you cant change things,look after who you love,not always was i like this but life tells me its the only  way

 

11 years 50 weeks ago
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11 years 50 weeks ago
 
Posts: 34

Governor

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Clam down, gays. This is Chinese tradition. As far as I know the dowry is needed no matter where you are in China.

The largest amount of dowry I know is 150 thousands meaning  a riot of color or a blaze of color . This is made up of a thousand pieces of 100RMB which is red and ten thousand pieces of 5RMB which is purple. 100*1000 + 5 * 10000 = 150,000. It took me five mins to finger out how much it is when I heart this on the first time

crimochina:

a lot of countries had this as their "tradition" but eventually they evolved in their thinking to realize that it was barbaric . some practices should remain in the past. but sadly too many countries have yet to evolve their thinking . 

11 years 50 weeks ago
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mikael84:

It is not true that dowry is needed everywhere in China.

 

I am married to a Chinese girl and I never paid her family anything.

She is from a small city near Nanjing.

11 years 50 weeks ago
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11 years 50 weeks ago
 
Posts: 1008

Shifu

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Funny thing is, the girl will probably stay single or marry a village Chinese man and the father will still remain a poor farmer

GuilinRaf:

He is thinking short term. If he allowed his dauhter to marry who she pleases and with a "decent" bride price, not only will he have the good will of his new family BUT since now they are related, if he is ill or has some difficulty, the son in law HAS to help him.

By being so demanding now, if the girl ends up with a farmer, well, the goodwill wont be there and the "financial help" that could be needed in the future wont be what it could have been.

So, even from a purely selfish point of view, he should not be such a sefish rat.

11 years 50 weeks ago
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