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Q: For those of you who have married a local, how bad are the in laws really?
Put it this way. You really need to understand what you're getting into before marrying and not let yourself be blinded by love/lust. A lot of westerners who date locals seem to get caught up in winning over the parents. That's all fine, but you need to vet them as carefully as they're vetting you. If you were Chinese, your parents would be doing just that, so you need to do it for yourself.
Chinese families are very good at sweeping dark secrets under the carpet.. A dad with huge gambling debts. Close relatives with the type of mental illness that has a genetic component. Drama from second families and mistresses. These are just a few examples of the kind of things which could affect you when you marry a Chinese person.
If they are from a certain generation, the parents could easily be former Red Guards. There is some seriously crazy stuff that went on back then. We're your potential in-laws involved and how?
remember: You may be supporting the in-laws to some degree or other in the future. Are they the kind of people you are comfortable giving your hard earned money to?
If they start talking about money very early in the relationship, it's not a good sign.
Also keep in mind that Chinese culture makes it much harder for people to cut ties with their parents even when the parents are horrible human beings.
aston.villa.f.c:
"Chinese families are very good at sweeping dark secrets under the carpet."
and the award for this week's sweeping statement goes to...
LOL
an excellent and thought provoking claim - do you have a source? the readers would love to know.
DaphneNJ:
Source 1: being married to a Chinese person for almost 17 years. My husband, his mother and brother are actually the 2nd family. He has half-siblings somewhere which no one ever wants to talk about.
For a long time he didn't even know his correct birthdate or birthplace, because of some Cultural Revolution weirdness that no one wants to talk about.
I could go on and on. He is technically an ethnic minority. (manchurian) I attribute my in-laws lack of pushiness about money to being non-Han. They do have that going for them.
Source 2: Something anyone who has spent time in China should be aware of: FACE. It's so important in Chinese culture that people will do a lot of strange things to "save" it. It's one reason mental illness is under treated. No one wants to admit they have a crazy family member. This obsession with saving face extends to other kinds of family issues.
Source 3: having spent a lot of time interacting with Chinese people and hearing their stories over the past 18 years.
Source 4: this website. I'm hardly the only one whose in-laws have hidden drama they keep under wraps.
Source 5: Chinese literature
And yes, western families have their share of weirdness too. The difference is that when you marry a Chinese person, you're much more likely to be entwined in each other's business, whether you like it or not, especially if you live near them. (Which I'm happy I don't.)do you accept normal adjectives or will superlatives do?
comparatives not allowed for the sake of argument.
expatlife26:
Youre awfully uppity about making sweeping statements for the guy who said all kfc workers are retarded
aston.villa.f.c:
i can draw on experience - both with this subject and my empirically based opinion about KFC.
you are just a keyboard warrior light.
Put it this way. You really need to understand what you're getting into before marrying and not let yourself be blinded by love/lust. A lot of westerners who date locals seem to get caught up in winning over the parents. That's all fine, but you need to vet them as carefully as they're vetting you. If you were Chinese, your parents would be doing just that, so you need to do it for yourself.
Chinese families are very good at sweeping dark secrets under the carpet.. A dad with huge gambling debts. Close relatives with the type of mental illness that has a genetic component. Drama from second families and mistresses. These are just a few examples of the kind of things which could affect you when you marry a Chinese person.
If they are from a certain generation, the parents could easily be former Red Guards. There is some seriously crazy stuff that went on back then. We're your potential in-laws involved and how?
remember: You may be supporting the in-laws to some degree or other in the future. Are they the kind of people you are comfortable giving your hard earned money to?
If they start talking about money very early in the relationship, it's not a good sign.
Also keep in mind that Chinese culture makes it much harder for people to cut ties with their parents even when the parents are horrible human beings.
aston.villa.f.c:
"Chinese families are very good at sweeping dark secrets under the carpet."
and the award for this week's sweeping statement goes to...
LOL
an excellent and thought provoking claim - do you have a source? the readers would love to know.
DaphneNJ:
Source 1: being married to a Chinese person for almost 17 years. My husband, his mother and brother are actually the 2nd family. He has half-siblings somewhere which no one ever wants to talk about.
For a long time he didn't even know his correct birthdate or birthplace, because of some Cultural Revolution weirdness that no one wants to talk about.
I could go on and on. He is technically an ethnic minority. (manchurian) I attribute my in-laws lack of pushiness about money to being non-Han. They do have that going for them.
Source 2: Something anyone who has spent time in China should be aware of: FACE. It's so important in Chinese culture that people will do a lot of strange things to "save" it. It's one reason mental illness is under treated. No one wants to admit they have a crazy family member. This obsession with saving face extends to other kinds of family issues.
Source 3: having spent a lot of time interacting with Chinese people and hearing their stories over the past 18 years.
Source 4: this website. I'm hardly the only one whose in-laws have hidden drama they keep under wraps.
Source 5: Chinese literature
And yes, western families have their share of weirdness too. The difference is that when you marry a Chinese person, you're much more likely to be entwined in each other's business, whether you like it or not, especially if you live near them. (Which I'm happy I don't.)My advice; When playing Mahjong, let the in-laws win. Why? Because you don't rip people's arms out of their sockets when you lose. In-laws have been known to do that.
I can attribute all my MILs flaws to the usual Chineseness of people. E.g. lack of knowledge of the world, lack of ability to question things. She has no hidden agenda, or well, her agenda is poorly hidden, because she has one. She plays on my wifes conscience all the time making sure she always feels guilty about something.
Sinobear:
Chinese MILs can certainly give Jewish MILs a run for their money
Sinobear:
For the love of Christ man, do not even go there! I feel so guilty even responding!
laws let me always reconsider any serious relationship , remember what your kid will be "foreigner" or "local" ?
I like having my MIL about. Not that I have any choice in the matter.
But sometimes she drives me mad. She has no sense of reason at all.
My inlaws are super cool. They dont live with us nor do they have any intention of doing so. The brother in law is screwed. They dont visit. 3 years they have seen our house once and it was last week to visit thwir new grandson. They live an hour away. Just want to meet for dinner once a month or so plus holidays.
They make their own money and want nothing from us. They are just happy we never ask them for anything.
We buy each other gifts occasionally. Thats it.
They never but in or interfere. The MIL makes suggestions but the FIL shuts her up quick. Im not positive but im sure a lot of this has to do with my wife. She has made it clear that I am the priorit y and they are not. So they can go along with it or fuck off.
Everyone is content. We all get along then we go our seperate ways.
We are moving home soon. No guilt trips or bitching that we are leaving. I mentioned that parents can get green cards too. Not interested. They are doing their own thing.
Ive said it before but I am super blessed
There are two kinds of answers to this question. Those from people who have made their MIL a grandmother and from those who hasn't. The latter group ain't seen nuttin yet
My Mother-in-Law is just great. We get on very well.
I am treated as one of the Family (even though I'm still trying to learn the Language lol)
My wife has 2 Brothers and 2 Sons, we all get on very well. I am very happy.
I'm divorced, but at the time my MIL bothered my wife more than me. Fortunately, my wife wasn't often bothered by it. She listened respectfully, but ultimately did what she (we) thought was right.
