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Q: what is normal amount of money to give your gf's chinese parents for marriage?
the conversation i always hoped to avoid the other day came up with my gf. she asked the amount of money i would be prepared to handover
i asked her what a reasonable amount is and she said about 188 888. my face drained white. i was expecting this but not this eye watering amount. i think i can negotiate downwards as we are both mid thirties. what did others do
i know they will probably put this money back into the marriage. they will pay for the wedding also. but it's not like they are contractually obliged to do so.
despite all the beauty of chinese girls i wonder how much simpler life would have been
Frankly, I am shocked a leftover in her 30's would ask for anything, given the biological clock is expiring very quickly. The law of diminishing returns must not be taught and explained very well here, but I have to explain marginal utility of time all the time over and over again.
dokken:
I guess i am leftover too. it s a strong part of their culture, i m not going to disrespect this. just the amount seems excessive
I never gave any money to my wifes parents,we just went to the office in Shenzhen got married,didnt even have a party or anything.
Stiggs:
You didn't do the restaurant deal with the red envelopes, wedding dress, family etc?
Stiggs:
Mate, sounds like you dodged the most stressful and expensive part of getting married. Well played.
ScotsAlan:
Rob... your inlaws were probably terrified of putting you on public display. But I bet you had to do all the baby meals with your son. They got what they wanted. And what a handsome chap he is :-)
I don't think there's really any rule as to how much, it probably depends on everyone's financial situation.
I had a friend who did have to pay a dowry, I think I remember hearing 30k but I might be wrong...
Other friends have had to buy their wife (her family really) a house as security for if he leaves her - they'd lose their share in the house - so I suppose 188k isn't all that bad.
Cross-cultural marriages should have elements of BOTH cultures. In this instance, I would argue for the western/European version of the dowry (I did this when I married a Thai). It just took a day of discussion to have the dowry off the table.
OR
Pay the dowry in China, with the express agreement that it will be returned in a western ceremony. 
My MIL said her daughter was not for sale.
I got my wife for free.
But, now I have the MIL.
She lives with us, wakes at 5pm to boil her TCM, She takes 3x 2 hour showers per day, runs the water taps non stop to mop the floor, and I found out today I have to pay to get her cataracts fixed.
Try do a lump sum deal if you have the cash.
If you do it on the cheap like I done, its like an interest free loan that can never be paid off.
hi2u:
Let's be honest, your wife is paying for your MIL's cataracts, and you have to support your wife
ScotsAlan:
I am the sole earner hi2u. Most money seems to go on after school stuff for the junior member of the household.
Pay ZERO! You’re not buying her! Tell her family that they’ve got to respect your beliefs. Women are NOT to be bought
ScotsAlan:
Not sure I agree. Pay for a clean break from the peasant parents? did they invest in her education to learn english? or did she teach herself english. Its complex. My wife tauught herself. She paid her own way to learn. Her brother can only say hallo. But many chinese parents witout a son invest in their daughters to marry a foreigner.
ScotsAlan:
What I mean is... if a peasant couple living in a place such as yangsho, give birth to a stunning daughter, but no work.. they become migrant workers,child left in grandparents care, they sell into prositution to catch daily tourists who pay by the hour....
ScotsAlan:
Because lets not fool ourselves.We all married English speaking Chinese. And most of the UK guys I know who married Chinese... either back in the UK or planning to.
Hotwater:
Sorry mate but totally disagree here!
My wife is self taught & independent. Her parents never asked for anything for tisie “chopstick” yet they expect their Son to carry them in old age.
Fuck dowry’s! Kids are NOT an investment in the oarents future.
Stiggs:
I think it goes back 5000000 years or so, to when they probably never saw the girl again because another family owned her now and she was pulling the farm plow for them instead. I could sort of see the logic in a dowry there but it doesn't apply anymore.
I also thought the dowry was traditionally things like stuff for the house, maybe a couple of fat piglets or something, not a fat wad of cash.
I think the tradition has carried on - disregarding the actual traditional aspects of it - to cash in. It's opportunism disguised as culture and customs.
The dowry idea never sat well with me, you shouldn't have to buy your wife.
And you especially shouldn't have to buy your wife if you will end up having her family living with you,you probably financially supporting some of the family and maybe helping them migrate to your country and get legal status there.
Seems like they should be paying you for all of that.
EDIT I do however understand that it's a cultural thing, you can't just go disrespecting your bride's culture. I guess google it to find out what you should be paying and negotiate from there.
Paid no dowry, in-laws have nothing to do w/ me besides saying hi on video chats and going there for spring festival/
The amount she quoted you is high, I'd seriously re-think marriage to her.
Chinese guys pay 100,000rmb some provinces, the women's family pay.
Some guys are soo obessed with marrying a Chinese / Asian girl that they end up in a seriously bad situation. There are Vietnamese women and others.
The dowery doesn't buy peace from the inlaws it's the first step of control
Do divorced women get a dowery too?
BHGAL6:
I am my wifes 3rd husband I gave FIL a smart ass amount of 8,888 rmb to help pay for the reception thing. Then when I left the country, just 3 days later, I gave MIL the remainder of my Chinese cash, before I left the country (4000rmb) ... my wonderful new wife scorned me vehemently for giving money to MIL and not to her. I AM YOUR WIFE!!!!!!! GIVE ME MONEY .... NOT HER!!!!
My thoughts at the time that it was respecting the old lady and what is the difference about who gets it.. all in the family .... WRONG that was 9+ years ago and I have now lived hear for 7+ years
