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Posts: 21

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Q: When will the gift-giving (to in-laws) ever stop?

I don't want to complain but (isn't that how it always starts!) my honey is very demanding about me giving gifts to her parents. It has been fine up to now because I know it is a cultural thing and of course I wanted to impress the lady and her family. But the demands for presents doesn't seem to end. At Chinese New Year I was very generous this year because it was not long until our wedding. Perhaps that was a mistake. Since then, her mother keeps sending me a list of German beauty products she wants and now even told a neighbour with a new born that I will get baby formula from Germany. I don't think I can say no without hurting my relationship with the mother in law and wife but it can't go on like this. I'm not a millionairre!

10 years 37 weeks ago in  Culture - China

 
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Posts: 6321

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Have a sincere talk with your wife.

Explain to her that you are not rich and that while you will gladly buy things for her parents, you will not be buying things for her parents friends.

That you have respected Chinese tradition until now, but that she also has to respect you as well.

Good luck to you!

 

crimochina:

gr, his wife is a golddigger. divorce papers are they way to go

10 years 37 weeks ago
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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
Posts: 879

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Your relationship with your mother in law is about her milking you for money. There isn't anything deeper. She feels a sense of entitlement, and doesn't respect you for it.

 

If this is a relationship you wish to nurture, get used to being exploited. If not, talk to your girlfriend about it and face the consequences. I have. I endured some pretty extreme emotional abuse afterwards, but it was worthwhile in the end.

 

In China, conducting a relationship based on material greed isn't considered shameful, whorish or shallow. For your mother in law, money is the primary factor in your relationship. She probably hasn't considered mutual respect.

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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
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a custom many Chinese seem to have is that they say they will do something, but with no follow-through and actually doing it. That is a mistake some foreigners seem to make: we say we are going to do something and then do it!

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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
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Good advice from others! Try this: baby formula costs x. I will get some for x + y. You (in-laws) can pass it on to others for x+y+z. Profit all around. Mama-in-law wants cosmetics? She can buy it from you at cost + y. If you're going to be treating as a bank or business, then act like one!

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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
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My wife never demanded that I give her parents gifts... if she did, she wouldn't be my wife now.

xinyuren:

Amen!

10 years 37 weeks ago
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Scandinavian:

ditto (apart from something made from gold and diamonds from Tiffanys in New York)

10 years 36 weeks ago
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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
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My mother-in-law tried this.  First, she asked for a dowry:  Nope! Not one cent.  Then she wanted to send her nephew to live with us for English training.  I said, sure, but he will earn his keep doing chores around the house.  The nephew decided he didn't want to come.  The cousin wanted a loan: Ok, but i demanded repayment precisely on the day she promised!  This is with wife's full support as agreed upon before we got married.

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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
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be smart and don't marry a money grubbing ...... i am not going to bother reading the rest of the sub text. once i saw you "honey " is demanding that you give gifts to your parent the answer became simple. 

you are being stupid, naive, gullible,and foolish. you are blind? 

you don't know your honey is a golddigger?

listen my attitude to each his own. whatever your choicesare i don't care as long as it does not bother me. but you chose to be a sugar daddy and complaining about it. what are you a pathetic loser? dump her

 

i don't go to a massage parlor and complain that they actually want me to pay for sex

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10 years 37 weeks ago
 
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Basically just explain that if you are to embrace the Chinese culture of gift giving that it works both ways. That you expect a red envelope at certain times of the year. Explain that yes you are in china and yes you will do what is expected to a reasonable degree but that it works both ways. They can't expect you to give gifts but not receive than because your a foreigner. You either be fully part of the culture or not at all... It seems to have worked with many mixed couples I know who have had this problem... The other choice is stop being a pussy and man up and say No!!

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10 years 36 weeks ago
 
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The more you give, the more they will expect from you. This applies to anywhere in the world. You said it yourself, your mistake was to show that you were able to afford that much.
If you are worried about hurting the relationship with your mother in law, just remember that you don't need to follow the list to the letter. Just pick one affordable item from the list, and a sample size of the baby formula for the neighbour to try, and if she likes it, she can check on Taobao to get her supply.

GuilinRaf:

I would add putting a "positive spin" on it. Something like "I was not able to get  you the X bottles of baby formula but I did manage to get you ...."

10 years 36 weeks ago
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10 years 36 weeks ago
 
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What is it with the Chinese ?  When you first met your wife then that is who you wanted to meet... not her mother. I see and hear so many stories of having to 'live' with the mother of the spouse,it is wrong... I would never get involved with this 'Dane Geld' attitude... Where will it end !!??

 

Be strong...stand your ground... do not back down ! Enough is enough.

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10 years 36 weeks ago
 
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