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Q: why can't I be right ? -China woman related
I've read that a Chinese woman may always refer to her friends and family over a foreigner BF. It seems what ever they think about me, I have to explain are wrong over and over. She knows I build things (cars, bikes, houses for myself) yet when I got an alarm for my e-bike, which she is driving, she said she would have a friend put it on. I was just going to lay it under the seat. I'm insulted. I bought some tools because stuff keeps falling off the bike, like does lock-tite and lock washers exit here, but again why do I need them. No problemo babe, if I get a flat I can carry the bike.
My iPhone had software that I could not unlock and when she fell in love with it and I offered it to her, I told her if there was no unlock , when I have to return home, I will take the phone home to use. ( I was gambling on keeping my phone) There is an unlock now, which she had someone she knows do. He couldn't unlock it and I can't convince her he doesn't know what he's doing. Because someone else tampered with my phone and I don't know with what program, I'm afraid I'd brick it now if I try to unlock it.
Then driving. I've had bikes since I was a teen, never small ones, and I drive like a maniac sometimes but I can handle a bike better than an average person. So when I'm weaving in and out of other scooters, I'm driving too fast, When there is a clear stretch, I'm driving too slow. At an interection I will go forward to the next cross street zone if I miss the left turn and then catch the cross street green rather than sit and wait for all the lights to change so I can make a left,, again I am wrong. And while I'm getting crap ,I'm dodging scooters that have run the red..It seems I can't win.
I'm always getting crap for spending my money (mine) which I can understand because my income is 10 times hers. So I can imagine how she sees money. I know she looks after me and does all sorts of things for me, but is she too critical or is this normal Chinese woman behaviour ?
12 years 6 weeks ago in Relationships - China
I hear ya loud and clear!!
I am at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to almost everything except making money. And even that is an issue as she thinks I can earn more if I listen to the business ideas of her 27 year old cousin. Her mother has convinced my wife that I can't even handle a simple task such as washing the dishes without supervision and advice. WTF??
They even, from time to time feel the need to critique my teaching methods. Although they have no idea how to do what I do. But of course, I can't tell them that because they will lose face and heaven forbid I was the cause of that.
MissA:
But trying to tell you how to operate in your own profession is not a loss of face? Or is it okay for you to lose face, but not your wife and MIL?
derek:
This one is really getting to me and I guess it could blow up any day. In my wife's eyes her mother, and one particular cousin are "all knowing" when in reality all they are is talkers with nothing constructive to say other to tell someone what to do. Based on no experience, doesn't matter. You see, the cousin has a nice car therefore he is wise and "good at business".
Ted, it is either normal, or your GF is a twin to mine, because it is the same thing here. Like you, I am pretty handy with tools, and have done many things in my life. Also built a 2500 sq ft extension to my home, and did everything myself (took me 7 years to finish it). Can repair just about anything existing today. But for my GF, I am dumb, can't even change a faucet myself. Do not even know how to drive, on my ebike she always yells at me because I do stop for red lights.
I have surprised her many times already by telling her why something will not work, and how to repair it. She replies I have no idea of what I am talking about, and calls a repairman, who will do exactly what I said it needed to be done. I just do not fight her any more, just ask her if she wants me to fix it or if she is calling someone else. Not worth the argument.
TedDBayer:
no, you go to where there are red lights, but that is different than intersection red lights, you should stop, but i think it is only a suggestion.
GuilinRaf:
Nonono guys. You STOP at the red light, you GO on the green light and in the yellow light you go VERY FAST!
TedDBayer:
yes that is what I mean you stop for all red or pink lights.
This is why I choose not to be married (or in a relationship)... I have absolutely NO need to be constantly invalidated by someone who is supposed to support me. What would be the point of being with them?.. Much better to be away from those type of people, so I can actually enjoy my life, get respect, have true friends who actually care about me, and help me to fulfill my dreams.
Good luck in dealing with it in the most effective way! (personally, I'd be walking out.. no amount of love, affection, passion, etc is worth constantly being denigrated.. that's called 'emotional abuse', if you need to frankly...)
GuilinRaf:
I have to agree. One is in a relationship to help and be helped. A team. It is NOT like in the Flintstones, or on television where one spouse denigrates the other. If that is the price of companionship then I rather be single.
Teddy, dear Teddy. I have a feeling you would be wrong whether the woman be from China, Canada, or Mars.
Perhaps by having her friend put it on for you, she thinks she is helping you by saving you some time and effort and energy. Although... by what the rest have said.... it's just something you're going to have to grin and bear.
TedDBayer:
I used to things always being my fault. But this is different. I can grin and bear it, just wondering if this is as normal as I read. I would never put her down, get on her case or want to hurt her. I'll just have to get used to ignoring it. Being picked on is not something I usually will tolerate.
I too have been told countless times that I "cannot " do something, from buying my own shirts, etc.
What I do is that I just go and do it, without asking anyone. If they find out, they are surprised. For example, I had some glasses made the other day. Bifocals (sob*) Everyone is gasping why didnt I call them to which I answer that if I need help they "will be the first I call".
With my last girlfried, she eventually came to realize that there were indeed things that I could do for myself and that if I needed help, I was more than happy to ask.
HappyExPat:
Ja, Ja, that is exactly what I do when I am given the opportunity. While she is gone, I either fix it, repair it, of do as I think it should be done. I do not take this as emotional abuse, because to me it is not. I see it as her way of telling me to do things the way they are done in China, which are different from my ways (or should I say "our ways"). Males here do not move a finger at their homes, except for barking orders. So, to me it is what she is expecting me to do, instead of sticking my nose into every cranny detail. But that is my way to combat boredom in many ways, and challenge my brains too.
I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of behavior. Perhaps you could try to explain to her that by not allowing you to do things that you are able to fix yourself, you lose face. I don't know if that will work, but what other options do you have? Break up with her? Deal with it?
This reminds me of a big problem my best friend has with her boyfriend. He insists that she should make coffee for him every day, and that he shouldn't have to ask for it. If she doesn't do that, he has a hissy fit. I don't need a manly man, but even if I loved a guy very much, and he did that to me, I'd leave him.
I also wanted to say that my dad is one of those guys that can fix all kinds of things and has made many improvements to the house. I think it's really cool. I feel pathetic because I can't do anything like that, and if I would ever have any questions, I'd ask him first.
TedDBayer:
I know there are ''cultural'' differences and I just want to validate this as one and deal with it. I'm going with- just because it's different , doesn't make it wrong. I see many different things here. Nothing here really shocks me. At home I scoop cat litter and think nothing of it.
Shining_brow:
I told my gf a year or 2 back, that I value my independence, and that I need it to keep me being myself, to feel valued, to actually like myself... if she kept doing things for me, then I lose my self-respect. And, If I do actually need help, I'm quite capable of asking for it. She threw a bit of a hissy-fit ("Fine! I'll never do anything for you every again!!!"), but, since I did actually sometimes need (or just want) that help, we sorted it... we're still friends :)
Billy Joel said it best. "And she never gives in
She just changes her mind"
The way I handle it is the same with every school director I have had: I just nod yesto whatever they say, and then I do whatever I was planning anyway... no reason to fight a brick wall.
as they say, its easier to ask forgiveness than permission
GuilinRaf:
Lol! Yes, and the few times that I get "scolded", just look sorry and do like Lou Costello "I am a baaaaad boy!" and promise to never do it again (Snicker and wink at the camera...).;-P
Here is how I deal with bossy, over sensitive or crazy women
First (communicate) Keep her inform about all the stupid you do every day and tell her the truth all the time and constantly explain everything to her, this way you have her so on edge that that she cannot tell that you are not telling her all the crazy stuff. Second (Boundaries) State that it is your life and that she can say and do whatever she wants to you, but you decide so she better make a good argument. Third (romance) Keep it fresh always check and make sure you know her schedule and have at least one 4 hour block a week for both of you to do, it does not have to be big you just have to do it. This also helps if you are the type who is afraid that she is cheating. Most important just because you plan to be romantic does not mean you are romantic. Make sure Every day is romantic this does not mean more work just more romance, just one kiss or saying good morning can make the whole day romantic if done right. Forth (plan ahead) if you plan to date someone pre-nuptial first date if she leaves them you keep your stuff later.
Keep in mind this is how you chance women off early and find the one you love. Very good very efficient and best of all this system make it very hard for women to be crazy.
PS I have no fifth rule for the in-laws if you can come up with one it would help, I have never had to deal with crazy in-laws.
Dude, see that thing she probably makes you carry for her... yes her handbag.. now reach in there and remove your balls from it!
Unless spomething is in total chinese written laguage, chances are you will know how to do it better than her and all of her friends. So just go ahead and do it, dont take any shit. And if it causes a problem then kikck her ass out, there are literally millions of girls out there and it sounds like it wouldnt be hard to find a nicer one.
Essentailly all girls are the same, whether it is chinese or not. You give then a hand and they will try to take the whole arm and this is evern more applicable when it comes to chinese girls becaue they are climbing up the ladder and every day is a struggle for a few steps. Be nice and curtious and caring to her, handle your own shit and if she doesnt like it tell her to f@ck off.
TedDBayer:
But I look cute with a hand bag,, I think some of the complaints stem from worry about my spending etc, others come from the fact that I do things differently. I read the Chinese males just do nothing at home ( can't believe that tho ). I'm not talking about a mean bitch like I seem to meet at home,, yeah that would be gone in seconds.
We spoke about this in a different post. It's called control, and she will try to control you. It's the Chinese way for girls. Before you finally take control back, hide all your important papers. They tend to tear, rip and throw away anything that could be of use in times of anger.
Don't grin and bear it, set it straight and be firm about it. It will make or break your relationship. If it get's better great if not, do you really want to live that type of life?
If a Chinese woman is keeping her man from doing things at home, then she is doing (what she thinks) is a good job. Menial jobs such as repairs are beneath their men and therefor should be left to those who are forced to do it for a living.
Their parents are god/desses and will almost always have their word trusted/followed over yours.
If she doesn't give you input on how to do things, then she feels like she is not showing her care for you and the family unit.
And saving money, well... that is about as deeply rooted as a cultural tendancy can get. Money is security. Security is needed for a happy life. And you can never have enough of either security or happiness.
In a simpler answer, yes Ted, it is a very common thing for Chinese ladies to act this way.
HappyExPat:
This is the way I take it, that it is her way of showing she cares for me, even if it bothers me. So, I do not make a big issue out of it, because otherwise, I am great in the relationship, and neither she or me are perfect. So, if ou can, make an effort to overlook it, and do what you enjoy (including repairs) when she is not around. With me, when she shows up and see the broken thing working, she ass me who repaired, and when I say I did, her asnwer is always "you are so smart ". And that is after she told me I had no idea how to repair it to begin with. So, now is not to argue to find out who is right and who is wrong, but to keep the peace in the relationship you must give a little. That is my way, anyway, right or wrong.
techezee:
Ok, I'm going to call you out on this one. No way do Chinese women see it as doing their part. It's control, it's always about control. If that was true, every Chinese man would be lined out the door for the Chinese women and no Chinese woman would care about a house or money.
