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anonymous
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Q: Why do some Chinese girls insist on bringing a friend/friends to a date with a guy?

I have on many occasions asked some Chinese girls out for lunch/dinner so we could have an opportunity to sit, talk and probably create a possibility of meeting more thereafter which I believe is practical way to understand each other. What surprises me is that on most of such occasions, the girl will ask that she should bring a friend/friends to the lunch/dinner. I don't find it a problem to offer a meal to friends, provided I have the cash. However, the girls' requests to bring a third party to a lunch/dinner come after the 2 of us have already arranged it and in some cases when we are already on our way to an eating place. I find this a little strange.

 

The tendency always puts me in an awkward position - saying yes to the request means no opportunity to talk with the aim of 'exploring' each other in terms of potential b/friend - g/friend relationship. It also means an upward adjustment of how much money I had planned to spend on such a date. At the same time, I fear giving a straight 'no' may send a 'wrong' impression to the girl i.e. I fear she may think I dont like her friends. And at this point, I wouldnt want to say explicitly that I would like us to talk in 'private' as I believe this is supposed to be 'understood' by both parties, no need for a formal  communication.

 

Just wondering:

 

(i) is this normal practice in the West or elsewhere? ( By the way I am from Africa and in Africa this tendency is not normal)

(ii) if this is not normal practice in other cultures, do other foreigners have similar experiences with Chinese girls or I am just an isolated case?

(iii) how best could I handle such situations?

 

12 years 6 days ago in  Relationships - China

 
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Posts: 6321

Emperor

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Well,it can mean a few of things:  1- She does not trust you (yet) and wants someone to back her up in case something goes wrong. 2- Since in their minds all foreigners are "rich" this is a way to get a free meal for herself and her friends. 3- She has no idea that you are interested in her romantically and thinks "the more the merrier."

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12 years 6 days ago
 
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Emperor

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Maybe she is asking you to get a feel for how serious this lunch is? I don't think it bothers her if you say "no" to bringing a friend. After all, if she says she isn't interested in a one-on-one date, won't that tell you her answer? Why waste time eating with her and a friend, wondering what she thinks of you? You can wonder forever if she likes you, but a one-on-one date usually means you are interested in a girl, right? I definitely agree with GuilinRaf's numbers 1 & 3, although if I liked a guy, I wouldn't want to bring friends along. Maybe that is just me though.

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12 years 6 days ago
 
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Emperor

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The main reasons are safety and tradition.  Normally, the first meetings with a girl are in group functions such as parties, large dinners, etc...  Chinese consider it not proper for a girl to go out alone with a guy for the first time(Drunk they have been in public together.

 

Also, it is a matter of comfort.  Chinese girls will almost always feel very nervous the first time they go out with someone, especially a foreigner.  And especially if she has never gone out with a foreigner before.

 

Saying no to the girls request would pretty much end your date right then and there.  They will assume that you want to take them someplace and rape/sell/abuse/kidnap them and will run away at the very first chance.

 

Asking a third person along is not a common practice in the US, but it is common in China until the girl feels comfortable with you.

udemeotuokon:

well said xpat

11 years 51 weeks ago
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12 years 6 days ago
 
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This is quite common here, and I have experienced this many times.

On the first few dates I would say it's for safety...after this I would say it's for a free meal.

Even my long time gf here always manages to have a friend or two magically show up 5 minutes after we get to a restaurant...it's like she gains face by getting her friend a free meal.  But I find at most restaurants here...it costs about the same to feed 2 people or 5...just less leftovers.

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12 years 6 days ago
 
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I read in traditional China it was always friends getting together when  you start dating. As for women wanting her friends along, that's kind of normal even for North American women, bring a friend, feel safe, have her friend check you out and help her feel comfortable. Many people are shy and even tho they might like you need someone else to help break the ice.

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12 years 6 days ago
 
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I'm inclined to agree with GR (again... 3 times in 1 day!)

 

She's doing it out of a lack of trust.. IFF if's announced beforehand. If it's ON the date that she suddenly mentions this friend, I'd say 'no'... If you let me know before we go out, then maybe ok.

 

Also, it will depend on the girl.. Dos she realise it's an actual 'date'? Or is she oblivious to your interest?

 

In Australia, the girl goes alone. If she needs to feel safe and secure, it's to a very public place, often during the day, and will have her friends pre-arrange a couple of phonecalls... a) to check, and b) to give her an out if she wants it.

 

There could also be a stigma of being seen alone in public with a foreigner...

 

I'd suggest, make it for lunch... less of an issue!

 

Good luck (I know I've needed it!)

GuilinRaf:

Well, you taught me about the Equinox and set me straight on lycanthropy...

12 years 5 days ago
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12 years 5 days ago
 
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Governor

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that happens only if the guy is a stranger to the girl, or the girl is an intimate of the girlfriend, so they would like to say together. 

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12 years 3 days ago
 
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Governor

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because they are scared~

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12 years 3 days ago
 
Posts: 134

Governor

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If this is the first instance that this has happened then you are excused for not understanding why and coming here to ask... if it isnt then you just arent using that thing between your ears..

Girls in china (normal girls, not whores) are a little less experienced and worldy than their western counterparts (also tbh you are a bit dim if you didnt realise this) so they are not as forward and therefore not confident to just go out on a first or second date alone with a guy, especially if he is foreign. So they are mostly accompanied by a friend or hooked up my mutual friends in a social situation.

Learn to roll with it.

crimochina:

and exactly what would warrant a girl being referred as a whore?just asking

12 years 3 days ago
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Dagobah:

KTV girls, sauna girls, a wide range of massage girls that offer hand jobs, and girls in bars that tell you how much they cost after 1 drink.. these are generally not the bets girls to start relationships with.... However alot of the time they are the ones that dress the best, wear makeup and perfume and shave their armpits... just an observation.

12 years 3 days ago
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12 years 3 days ago
 
Posts: 17

Governor

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I have had a similar experience ,you ask a girl out , then its "who else is coming"?

or they ask if a colleague can come ,I have leaned to say "Well I WAS hoping to get to know you better rather than our dinner develop in to a Chinese talk fest and who`s the new best mobile games competitions .Or find a girl like I eventually did who just likes Me & her 1 one 1.

lovely 

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12 years 2 days ago
 
Posts: 1630

Emperor

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Maybe, as Seinfeld once said, "Shes into it! Shes into the menage too. Oh its a scene man!" 

Now you need weird ol lighting and new friends, orgy friends!

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12 years 2 days ago
 
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Governor

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I face the problem - Not once ,  but on several occasions.   Very irritated.

 

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11 years 52 weeks ago
 
Posts: 316

Shifu

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its a body guard and you know chinese  are not good in judge a thing by themselves they ask for advice or suggestions always. so the spare part coming in dating is actual playing a role in this meeting. better impress both in process especial the observer because later when she get back your date i mean she will be chatting with her friend about you... so whatever nick name your gave it like body guard, spare part, observer =, irritant.......... be caution impress both ................. ENJOY

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11 years 52 weeks ago
 
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