Ok here I begin...

Deep in the night in April, in the visa office in Shanghai, something strange is happening...

Now it's your turn!

Bruce Willis and a large black man are tied up, sitting in chairs with pool balls strapped in their mouths wondering WTF is happening.

A guy called Zed, wearing a police uniform enters the room and says..."bring out the gimp".

"Marcellus " mumbles Bruce through his gimp gag, "I thought you said we could work at Happy Giraffe on an M visa because the boss 'has a relationship'", as the head teacher in full gimp regalia stands in front of them shaking her finger.

"Bu Keneng"says the head teacher. "You hurt China's feelings and now you must apologize". "Bigly".

At that very moment the doors turned open, and unassuming, but oddly attractive lady in her mid-30's entered the room. She was thinking about her recent business undertaking-selling fake ECC raincoats on shdating, however instead of introducing her company to helpless potential customers she only managed to say...

......there can be only one!

Which triggers in Bruce a bit of a daydream...

' There can only be one!' way to speak proper English. So, I'll say it again Sugar pop,,, we say 'Whom is Zed?'  Now,, will you kiss it? 

Snapping out of his reverie, Bruce realises he has only one way to get out of this SAFEA dungeon alive.  Putting on his best 'dumb white guy' face he proceeds to explain to the SAFEA First Director General (Codename: Viki) how China is such a great country and it is the biggest country in the world and has the best food and the healthiest people due to drinking hot water and that the Hi-Speed Rail is the best and very affordable too.  

At which point the windows are blown open, spraying Bruce with shards of glass, one of which glances off his shiny bonce & glances behind First Director General Vicky, slicing off her curvaceous butt!

”Gung Ho (Ji Ding)” is heard as Sylvester McKFC Rambo swings thru the broken window lobbing packs of “famous internet” Sichuan sauce at the local bobbies while instantaneously cutting Bruce & the large unknown black mans bonds...

General Vicky Bumkin thought how the peasants in her hometown would have to finally shut their foul mouthed traps when they saw she no longer had a village version of Kim Kardashian's arse. Things were looking up. And Sly McKFC Rambo was checking her out or was it a nervous tic? To the casual observer it was difficult to tell but General Bumkin just knew all the way down to her sensible shoes that here was her ticket to Las Vegas, finally.

She casually sauntered over to the sweaty beefcake of her dreams and said "I couldn't help noticing you staring at my hot arse. I'm an entrepreneur. Do you fancy nipping out into the alley out back for a quicky?"

"Ah, here's the thing" lamented McKFC Rambo......"My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he was a sales manager and ran a successful company called SlyMcModels. Everyone thought he was a complete knob. And that's why I'm not worthy to shag you next to the scraps of lettuce in the alley."

General Bumkin was moved by his candor and knew he was 'the one'. It might just be time to do something totally crazy. There were still a few more days left in April, but she decided to have another shower anyway.

I'm getting married:)

Marcellus repeated those absurd words in shock "You're getting married?"

He, Bruce and Rambo looked at one another then burst out with a collective "Bahahahaha!"

Viki produces a receipt for a 1 x Manny Quin $99 made in Taiwan

Taken aback, Marcellus is forced to concede that the Manny Quin does make one excellent spouse, due mostly to the first-rate foot massage it delivers.  Bruce has to agree, but then feels in all honesty he must remind Marcellus that one should not 'throw' a nigga thru a little glass house even if the foot massage is less than 'relaxing'. At which point Viki chimes in and reminds everyone that impacting glass homes from sufficient height can fk up the way one engages in Oral English.

Just then Icniff burts through the door with a wild-eyed expression on his face! Where is my raincoat! Has anyone seen my raincoat? he inquires. Viki, did you steal my raincoat? I said I would insert finger! You just never gave me the chance!  That is nyet a excuse of ligitemacy to deprive an Ruski man of da one True Love!  Raincoat I needescht you! Viki, I will do your bidding and insert two in da pink, one in da stink!  Just return her to me,,,, Matilda is no ordinary coat da rainess... she protect me well from da long Rusian winter nights in de Moscow world of da vodka places...

Bruce regurgitates slightly in his mouth.  

And then Goldilocks said “but this bed is just right”

The schizophrenic voices inside General Bumkin's head persisted in blurting out random quotes from her MBA fantasy. They were metaphorical most of the time. Goldilocks, bed, just right? What could this all mean?

Goldilocks. Golden haired model?
Bed. Do anything unscrupulous to get what you want?
Just right. Perfect samples from the toy factory?

It all suddenly made perfect sense.....