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Q: Why is having a mistress so ingrained in Chinese culture?
Had an argument with a cab driver over the holidays about monogamy in relationships and the cab driver seemed to be in full support of having a mistress. When I told him my fiance is Chinese, he said that he definitely also has a mistress "because all Chinese men do". Obviously he doesn't know me or my fiance, but the fact that he was so certain that all Chinese men cheat on their wives, is quite telling. He even went so far as to call me conservative for insisting on monogamy in a relationship. He was a complete A-hole, but do many Chinese men have warped attitudes towards marriage and monogamy? If I found out my husband cheated on me, he'd be divorced faster than he can say sorry. I'd rather be alone than share the bed with a lying, cheating man (who'll potentially give you an std).
10 years 51 weeks ago in Relationships - China
You have to remember that your moral values tell you that monogamy is the way to go. The concept of monogamy comes in large from Christianity, as do other moral values.
Of course, China has a general lack of moral values. It surprised me as well to find out that mistresses are so commonplace. It surprised me even more when I learned that 10% of the apartments in the community I live in are owned by men who keeps mistresses here, Of course then the mystery of why there is a larger number of expensive cars picking up/dropping off young women became less of a mystery, as did the one about why some of these women live in apartments worth millions, alone, and appear to not go to work.
My wife and all her friends are very much not accepting of infidelity, I am guessing Chinese men (yes, another generalization) are just selfish bastards who do not know what the women want
edit2403:
@ moonlake. The taxi driver was stirring you up. It's not guaranteed at all that your Chinese fiance will have a mistress nor is it considered acceptable. Listen, there will be semi-frequent occasions when Chinese people try to stir up trouble between you and your husband (esp. if one of you is a laowai). It's like a perverted power game for low-quality, menial people. They want to get a reaction from you/rattle you. Sometimes people even anonymously call my wife and tell her they've seen me on the street with someone else. You should come up with a strategy with your husband to deal with this issue. It's infuriating and can damage your relationship if you aren't aware that other people are intentionally trying to provoke you. In public, you should always give the appearance that you and your husband have one, inseparable mind. i.e. that you do not contradict each other. And you must defend each other if anyone makes your spouse lose face in front of you. If you don't, it's a sign that your relationship is weak. If people sense there is distance between you and your husband, they will try to play you off against each other. Don't even consider the idea that your husband has a mistress unless you stumble upon conclusive proof. You can never be 100% sure and it will drive you crazy wondering.
As a Chinese woman, I would say, it's not so easy to find RESPECT from Chinese guys. In Chinese history, women are inferior to men. We're not good enough to DESERVE their respect. So they think they can control us whenever or wherever they want. I'm not talking about a single or double cases; even well-educated men could have the same thought about women. It's sort of like a common practice here so no one would even give it a second thought whether it's OK or NOT.
To my surprises, as women are getting more independent today, I've been told and seen many women cheating on their husbands or boyfriends. Most of them do it for the same reason, that they don't get any respect or love or attention from their partners because they're too busy with other girls or so call WORK...it's a really bad loop, and it keeps going on and on...
crimochina:
thank you chinese men
this is exactly it. chinese women are viewed as property not people. and this forces women into lesbianism or into the arms of a foreigner. and chinese man's reaction to this to behave more like rude brutes.
angelina8:
Su, have you ever met a Chinese guy who respects women? Most of them have zero respect, but there might be some exceptions. I've noticed that having a mistress is a status symbol. Maybe people with less money treat women better.
Because in their eyes, women are property. Not someone to love or be loved by, but a stable source of vagina in case other things don't work out. Oh, and... the baby too. It's all appearances.
*rant mode on*
My wife didn't want to get married to a Chinese man. In her eyes, and in the eyes of her friends, most of them treat women like dirt and cheat constantly. She says she can never accept being cheated on, and I told her I felt the same way. Most of my Chinese female friends say the same thing.
She never even thought she could have a foreign english teacher, let alone a foreign husband. It was not something she thought about, and then I came along... and we talked, and talked, and talked... and discovered we were 100% compatible. Not 50%, not 99%, but 100%. We both wanted the same things, and liked the same things.
She often brags about how I'm faithful to her, and treat her better than she could ever dream of. Then her friends started asking her to find them foreign husbands, because they're "tired of going through one useless Chinese man after another."
I personally know women who have been abandoned by their men for giving birth to a daughter, and who are constantly told they're inferior and must make more money in order to earn the man's respect / secure his return to their home while he's off with his hookers in another city. Is that what kind of relationship they want? No, that's f'ked up.
One girl wanted to divorce her husband and find a foreigner, but the husband said the foreigners will just rape her daughter, "like Oprah Windfrey," and that she can't take a chance. Sadly, she believed that was so common. It wasn't until I told her that it's really uncommon that she started exploring other options.
Chinese men like to keep their women down, and dependent on them. Then they can't say anything when the man finds a mistress.Take note Chinese men: your women are leaving in droves, or committing suicide. If you want to survive as a race, treat your woman right.
Scandinavian:
...so you are saying Oprah Winfrey is NOT evil, what a surprising new piece of information for me.
I like the use of extreme scare tactics to make women do what the man wants. It is very similar to "if you don't eat your vegetables the bogeyman will come out from under your bed and eat you", or actually I don't like it at all, using fear is pretty low.
t91camp:
It's not just Chinese men, though. Before a Korean friend of mine came to America for college, her dad told her that all American men are rapists and she should never talk to any. Little did he know, she'd been hooking up with expats in Korea since high school. So much for that.
mikael84:
Side note: Scientifically there are no human races.
If everyone knew and understood that I am sure the world would be better.
MissA:
The fact that your wife feels the need to brag about your faithfulness is an indication of something wrong with the culture; it should just be expected, really.
When I ask my female friends about their partners, I'll ask "how's X, what's he up to these days? What are you guys planning?", not "who else is he f*cking these days?"
I know many businessmen here that have a mistress (or second wife as they like to say...or small wife). In fact I have yet to meet a successful Chinese or Taiwanese man that is actually faithful. Many will have a wife and kids back home...a mistress here and still feel the need to bang KTV girls on the side.
When I first met my GF and was joking about other girls she said in no uncertain terms that it was OK if I wanted to sleep with other girls as long as she didn't find out...needless to say I gave her a long talking to about morals.
But yet again 2 months ago when she went back to her hometown for 4 weeks she said it's OK if I sleep with girls as long as it's not in our house....no matter what I say to her it seems ingrained into her head that this is acceptable behavior.
I always tell her that I am faithful and not like Chinese men and if she ever cheated on me I would kick her out and end our relationship no matter what.
I hope one day she will learn that this is morally corrupt behavior and should not be tolerated by any woman.
thedude:
Actually my GF was a mistress to a wealthy Chinese man for about 6 months before she met me which would explain allot.
It's not only China, many cultures have mistresses or second wives, Africa, Italy, Central and South America, Arab countries. North America is probably different because of our divorce laws and our women masters.
i could understand the wife who is bisexual and you share the partner but not being open and honest is definitely a problem when a mistress is involved. i told my wife a mistress is fine if she picks the girl but if i did it, fighting all the time. she said no and hurt my feelings, now i have to sell the massage parlor in thailand. damn.
I guess it is a sign of status and money. My present gf was only searching for a foreign boyfriend. She did not and would not accept a Chinese man. She waited until she was 28 to find me. I am her first bf! I think she was a little crazy for doing that. I have met Chinese men who are good husbands and treat their wives well. My gf's father is a nice hard working man who is really faithful and supportive of his wife. I guess my father in law is in the minority here.
But then again, cheating can happen in many societies. It just seems it happens more in China than other places. My uncle was certainly a skirt chases, and he is still a skirt chaser even at the age of 60.
Cheating is common in all cultures and male monogamy is almost a myth. It is more common for a guy to stay with a younger chinese wife than woman their own age, just do your research and see the rate of divorces and unfaithfulness in North America?? Stop feeling so sory for Chinese women only, western women a people too, what about all the western women who are cheated on, abused, controlled and manipulated??
ambivalentmace:
perhaps the biology of humans play a bad trick on us all , men can procreate to a much later age than women who lose interest and do the deed for compromise rather than need. i would think a man with needs at 45 married to someone 45 may love his wife but have needs and know his wife is doing the deed out of duty rather than pleasure and love, his cheating may be his way of not putting the wife in this go along to get along position. if your wife is also your best friend , can you make her please you for your own selfish natural pleasure for many years without some regret on your part.
A mistress is like an iPhone or a Benz. It's a status symbol, it shows you have money. Money is everything and displaying your wealth is almost a requirement so a mistress, like an iPhone, is a necessary item for display.
Here they hide it less because they are proud to display wealth. I played pool last night and half the players leave their iPhones on the rails. Why? Expecting an important call? No, so YOU can SEE it.
It's not, any more than it is anywhere else. Men f**k women. Some men f**k women up the a*se. But whether you are a man who likes to f**k women in the p***y or f**k women up the a*se, you all like to f**k women, because f***ing women is what men do. Some of them f**k them up the a*se, but f***ing the a*se or p***y is all f**ing, so stop f***ing whining you f***ing p***y or I will personally f**k you up the a*se.
Scandinavian:
Did you know that in ancient China (that is until 1970ies) the feet, as a result of foot binding were also used as a place to put your pecker if you were a Chinese man. Also as a result of foot binding, the smell of pustules popping was a major turn on to men, which explains why stinky tofu has a place in the market.
Again, there is no more cheating or lust going on in China than anywhere else in the world, we just feel more sorry for these "little women", because they project an innocent little girl image and we feel like big protectors and saviors and they are so crazy about us (foreigners).
Because they can. Yes having a mistress is part of the culture, but mainly, almost exclusively amongst the rich.
Many rich Chinese men will setup a few mistresses , how ever many they can afford, and buy them everything they can afford. Buy them apartments and just pop round from time to time.
It seems in such arrangements everyone may be happy. The man obviously. The mistress/mistresses, with credit cards, what else could they do to have access to such a life style?
Meanwhile "the Wife" accepts the situation, looking after the kids at home, living a comfortable existence, fully aware of the situation and thinking "well this my lot, I could do worse"
How do i know this my Chinese wife told me so.
Well, the women cheat too. I have a friend (a black foreigner) who sleeps with married women all the time while their husbands are at a KTV or hotel banging their mistresses. And those women say that when they find out their husbands are cheating, they are then presented with the chance to go and find other men to sleep with without feeling guilty.
The women know. The husbands know. A cycle of revenge in the form of back and forth cheating ensues.
I just feel sorry for the children.
i.e it's generally f**ked up here. It's so blatant that you just begin to accept it .
MasqueX:
Is this black guy an English teacher is Shanghai? He sounds just like a friend of mine. I've been in his SUV when he picks up wives at 11pm and takes them back to his apartment. Hahahaha!! It was too funny!!
NileRafter24:
Haha. No, he isn't. We're in Beijing. Though my friend does kind of sound like yours except most times the women come and pick him up instead and take him to a hotel or crash at his place.
China has all kinds of crazy.
because , in the ancient time (before new China since 1949), men can have a few wives.
