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Q: Will I lose my foreign bf if I don't sleep with him?
Hi,I am going crazy and need help. I have a foreign bf who I have been dating for 4 months now. I love him, but he gets unhappy when I tell him I won't sleep with him until we are married. He is my first bf and I don't want to lose him. But I only want to give myself to my husband. Will he leave me? What should I do? My head is a mess.
12 years 20 weeks ago in Relationships - China
So far, I've managed to refrain from this topic, but the reply by MyEnglishTeacher up there is misleading and bordering on asinine. He is probably a youngster so I will give him a pass. For him, I will give my ultimate primer on sex and marriage
.
1. It is absolutely not necessary to "try each other out" before marriage to insure a happy sex life. This sort of thinking is a fallacy (and probably originated from men who wanted to get into young girls' panties), the reason being that sex, REAL sex, I mean making love as a loving commited couple sex has little to do with "trying out sex" or any sex that takes place so early in a relationship. The type of sex that happens between couples throughout marriage is a melding of the minds and heart. It transcends appearances and age and to some extent even technique. There is no way to duplicate the experience of a couple who has been through thick and thin together and are stronger for it. You cannot "try this out".
2. You absolutely can tell if someone will be sexually incompatible with you without sleeping with them first. Sex may be about tits and ass for young and immature boys, but making love (something that is rarely discussed in this forum) is about nurtering, trust, unselfishness, kindness....and countless other character traits - all easy identified and distinguishable without removing a single strip of clothing
(my god, I'm telling you all the secrets!) You can actually tell what kind of lover a person is by observing their personality. Notice I didn't say their skill level (skills are easily learned) but what kind of lover. That is all you really need to know. Everything else can be worked out with love and patience.
3. Waiting for sex until marriage can be a beautiful thing. If your man can wait for it, it tells you tons of more information than a "tryout" will. It serves as a barometer to measure the quality of person you are dealing with. Waiting patiently teaches endurance and thoughtfulness. It helps him to see that you are more than just a body to use for pleasure. He will not go blind or mad if he is abstinent for your sake, but he will build character and maturity and it will force him to think about the more important aspects of the relationship. So much practical gain can be had when setting aside matters of the flesh for awhile and channeling your energies into matters of the heart.
I do not speak from the ignorance of those people who imply you should compromise your feelings, but from personal experience. I waited 5 years for my wife (well, only 1 year as a couple) until we were married. I did not regret it and our sex life was great. Now that I'm in China, no girl has asked me to wait. But if I met the right one, I would gladly wait because I know that the real sex does not begin until we both are in complete unison. This is reason a man like me can never go back to cheap one night sex. It's like drinking fine wine and going back to moonshine. Sex is between the legs. Making love is between the ears. There is no comparison.
So the long answer is continue to wait. Wait and try to forget this guy. He just wasn't for you.
haha.... guys in China or at least I've known all want sex, I've rarely met any foreign guys with true intentions.
Enjoy yourself, whatever your decision! =)
(let me re-edit my post, most of the "guys" including chinese) too many different types of guys, <myself included>
But i remember past gf's talking about rich self-made entrepreneurs, the married old guy, foreigners (including myself) "emphasis for jchu or whoever that guy who replied to my post" and guys in general who like the nightlife.
kchur:
Oh, and you better to cry to the mods about that, Mr. Alpha Male.
KaiKaiKai:
haha, I'm in a happy relationship ^^ I've come to the forums to give advice =) Don't worry, and be happy !
You wanna give you self to your husband and you have a bf on the side? Your head is a mess and you are going crazy you tell me/ this is called scatter brain it's when you go crazy and your head is a mess. Ask him!
I think many people get married because they want sex, and then realise they're not meant for each other. The idea of not having sex before marriage is rather old fashioned and I don't see the logic in doing that, especially not in a place like China, where it's very easy to cheap sex from young prostitutes, sitting in "barber shops". If you won't have sex with your boyfriend, chances are that he'd seek out the services of sex workers (that is, if he hasn't done it already).
Yes - because thats what 99.9% of foreign guys only want chinese girls for
crimochina:
guilin: if you're not good at sth then you wont be interested in it.
AttentionSeeker:
guilin, you are always interested in any job that you are good at.
Unless your boyfriend is extremely religious then the answer is most likely yes. Actually, many Chinese guys would also break up with you. It's unfortunate that in these times it's difficult to find someone who will treat this issue with a huge degree of sensitivity but for most foreigners 4-6 months is as long as they will wait as they feel they've given you enough time to judge whether they are serious about you or not.
Personally, if I, as a man, was faced with this situation and couldn't stand not having sex for a year or two but still wanted to be with you, I would probably find a girlfriend on the side who I would have sex with in order to find some release. And although a great deal of women on this site would probably do the same thing with faced in such a rare situation.
DaBen:
So you're saying it's fine to cheat because your partner wants to wait and you can't keep it in your pants?
Dagobah:
I dont think he is saying its fine to cheat... I think he is just stating the obvious situation that would occur. I would probably do the same and I think most guys would too.
rajin:
1'm saying, that's what I would personally do. Being holier than thou is all fine and good but the logistics of actually waiting for two years or more sounds horrendous to me. It would take a rare man, indeed, to do that - and certainly not one of my age.
if it is your personal value or standards. stick by it. every relationship is tested by this. so if that is your value. dont change it .in real life. most people will have about 3 to 5 girlfriends or more before settling for marriage. so if u give in now. you will be giving all the time. so i will advise think deeply before u do that. any man who respect your view will value. mark my words. if u give it . you have given all. what is left.
you should open up... nobody gives much value to virginity these days... if u r >20 and is still virgin.. means something wrong... its negative... not positive...
i would say sex before marriage is a must.. because in married life sex matters a lot.. you might love each other.... but if after marriage when sex kicks in... in case both of you not satisfied... it will end up in divorce..
Although this thread is long gone (but recently resurrected...), I'll still throw in my 2mao worth (and hope I still get 3 mao out of it 
)
A person can only do what they feel is right for themselves.
You have to decide what is right for yourself.
But, you should also question where this idea came from... and is it really important? To you... to those whom you value. WHY is this thing 'right'???
When I was young, I had ricidulous values, that love = sex, and sex meant love... now, I'm much older and perhaps wiser. I know that that idea is rubbish. They may go together, but they are not necessarily connected.
Some girls think that if they want to capture a guy's heart, they need to have sex with him - IT. DOESN'T. WORK!
Some guys will say that if you don't won't have sex with him, then you don't love him... IT'.S COMPLETE. BS!
And, sad to say, many many MANY women, still want their Prince Charming to come along and save them.
There is an old saying I heard many years ago... men marry women hoping they won't change - but they do. Women marry men hoping they will change - but they don't.
My (other) advice - NEVER stay in a relationship hoping the other person will change... it's a sure-fire way to complete destruction, pain, frustration, and tears.....
If he loves you he can wait until you are marred but if he does not love you he will not able to wait so you can make him wait as long as you need to feel ready. But remember one thing, love is pure like the flower but sex can be pure like the dew upon the flower in the morning sun. Sex needs not be waited for if there is true love stronger than the pull of any ocean, and deeper than its depths. So you can wait or jump right into the ocean and let it take you away. It is your choice if you love him then they chose does not matter. But if you think it will mean more and will make your marriage stronger like a whine you waited to mature then he will understand.
MissA:
So if sge refuses sex to try and get him into marriage she can expect it to be 'whiney'? Yep, I'd totally agree with that assessment.
Jíliú.hé:
common you do not marry some for sex unless you are the ugliest person on the planet.
TedDBayer:
story book stuff, if he loves her and she doesn't put out, he'll leave
just follow your heart. when he asks for sex, you would say yes if you love him enough, if you say no , it means he is not the man you want to married.
Hi Lina90
It is not just about pleasing your boyfriend. Remember he has to respect what you want as well. Also just because you have sex with someone does not mean that he will marry you or even be faithful to you.
If the relationship does not work out and you have had sex with him then you will never be able to say I only had sex with my husband. You can not get that back ever. if your boyfriend sees you as a potential wife then he should stay with you even if you do not have sex. If he is only interested in sex then he will not stay with you.
The more time you spend together the better you will get to know each other. Then you will get to see each other at your best and at your worst. I think the sooner you both make a decision on whether to get married or not the better for both of you. I think you should ask each other questions and do things together like shopping etc. By that I mean do some non exciting stuff.
If you only spend time together going out and having fun then you are not getting to see the whole person. What are they like when they are sad, angry, doing something they do not like, tired, grumpy, insensitive? Do you still like each other after seeing each other at your worst?
Do you know what he is looking or in a wife. If you get married where will you live? How many kids do you want? How many kids do you want? Does he believe in marriage? Does he see you as a potential wife? Is he scared of being married? Has he given any indication that he is considering getting married to you?
Not all foreigners are the same, just like not all Chinese are the same. Some foreigners/westerners do not have sex till they are married.
In short I think you both need to set a time to get to know each other very well as soon as possible so that you can decide whether to get married or to split up.
I wish you all the best in your relationship and I think that you should be true to yourself.
GuilinRaf:
It has to be a choice and the choice that either one makes should be respected. If she definitely does not want to have sex before marriage, he has to respect that. So, he now has two choices: a) Stay in the relationship and not hvae sex until marriage OR b) break up and find a relationship where sex is possible.
Now, if he chooses to break up, then we should NOT label him a cad. After all, her choices were clear: No ring, no marriage so take it or leave it. If he "leaves it" that too is a choice that he has made and should be respected.
On too many occasions, we unfairly "demonize" the person who leaves a sexless relationship and I think this too is unfair.
xunliang:
Jesus! This was asked 19 weeks ago!!! stop answering it! They probably broke already seen as though she wont sleep with him :D
First of all, never make a mistake. be wise !!
1) Don't have a purpose like: he's from America, Europe, France etc. so he will take you there.
2) Make sure you've fall in true and real love. not pornstar.
3) Know his country and religion. because some religions has the right to marry multiple wives. one man can marry 4 to 6 wives.
I don't want to write it down here. If you want to know such countries and religions, please Email Me.
4) most foreigner in China has wives in their home countries and just need a girl for pleasure. get him known very well before you decided what to do next.
Good luck girl.
crimochina:
most foreigners have wives in their home countries??? where's your stats on that? just becoz chinese men live away from their families and take on gfs or even other wives doesnt mean all other guys do the same thing
my dear lina90 do u at least know how important is that thing u are refusing to give ur bf? 送给他吧. he will not go anywhere with, am telling u..lol
wait until you get married if thats not good enough for him he isnt worth it period you are thinking correctly take care
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