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Q: will you hold your marriage when there is no love with your spouse?
It's not about me . I just feel curious ,for i know many chinese couples stay together for the sake of their children when there is no love between them . will you hold your marriage when there is no love with your spouse?
12 years 4 weeks ago in Relationships - Guangzhou
This is not a Chinese thing, but universal.
Personally I would not, but many other people around the world stick it out until the kids are off on their own.
If it is more prevelant here, I would half hazzard a guess and say it was because this is a male dominated society and the women usually put up with a hell of alot more than any western women would.
I think a better question would be...why do sooooo many people here get married more for money (women) than love?
Shining_brow:
While true, the divorce rate is sky-rocketing here, which to me indicates that women are becoming more and more self-sufficient, and thus more willing to end an unhappy marriage, confident they can look after themselves (and their children).
I think this is a good thing!
As thedude said, this is a question that people all over the world ask themselves.
If there are no children, then the decision is easy. First you work on rebuilding the love. If that fails, then you leave the marriage and move on.
If there are kids involved, then it is a lot more complicated. The security of the kids is the first priority. If breaking the marriage won't affect them too strongly, then divorcing would probably be best. I think it is better to grow up with a single parent rather than with 2 parents that hate each other.
No, both deserve to be in a relationship with love. And sticking together for kids is... well.. lazy. And often worse off for the kids in the long run. They witness a loveless marriage, often with fighting and bickering and even abusive... what does that teach them for their own adult relationships?
Anyway, why would you stay in an unhappy situtation? I've never understood that. It's selfish for both you and your spouse.
I also know money is a factor for couples with kids and staying together. Single parenting is hard. And expensive, even with joint custody. Some find it economically advantageous to stick it out.
But if you aren't happy, you're kids probably aren't either.
Shining_brow:
Coming from a family where the parents had little love (nor affection, nor true friendshiop), I 100% concur... end it - FOR the sake of the children!
As Hugs said, what those kids witness becomes 'normal', and they consider it all as the 'right' way to behave.
While I see myself as sane (too sane), I also see the patterns that got entrenched in our personalities... my sister basically is a direct product of my parents - verbally abusive towards her husband (who was just as verbally abusive back), and now, they're divorced. My brother and I, however, have never been married, and have no intention of getting married, nor of having kids. We've never been good with girls and relationships... the patterns just keep happening.
And, I can see that my parents came from their parents, and those patterns were repeated (as I see with my other relatives),
For the sake of the kids, end it!
They are all reasonable answers based on.........what actually? Experience? It's not always a loveless relationship that has abuse and bickering and fighting. You can be in a relationship without a lot of love and live together reasonably harmoniously until the kids are gone and the impact of a split is lessened. Lack of love doesn't always mean lack of respect and as for being selfish? Well, more like selfless for a little while to maintain peace and a happy environment in which to raise the children. Those of you who answered and have never been married (or lived in a long term relationship) let me say that life and relationships can be a little more complex at times than meets the eye.
Shining_brow:
Agreed... but, if there's no respect at all (and that's NOT an easy combination after that sort of situation), they staying together can be ok... but NEVER brilliant!
It's not uncommon to see this in Canada or the States much less China. I'm not sure if people stay in relationships just for the childs sake but I do feel that there are good days and bad days, good months and bad and so on.Truth is, noone is perfect nor will we find ourselves in a perfect situation where there are no arguments or fights. We pull together as a family, if one tries to over power the other than we feel our lives are powerless.
As for China, ,I feel the women think they are Queens and want to be attended to, listened to and take glory for everything that happens while pushing blame for all mistakes. A Chinese woman will not stay for love or a child, only for financial gain and the house, especially now that China has changed laws for what a woman can get after a divorce.
Before the change of law, our Shanghai firm was seeing about a 90% divorce rate among newly married couples with the women going for throats.
After the change of law we are seeing none. I wonder why?
Well, I'd really hope I wouldn't end up in that situation, especially since I would never marry a person just because I love them. Love isn't enough and there are many factors involved. However, should it happen, I think I would stick it out for the kids. It would not bother me so much if there wasn't love anymore. If there was at least some kind of friendship or we could get along, then I think it would be ok. If there was any abuse, I would leave, and take the kids with me.
If it is just the two of you then a definite no, if there are kids involved then it more difficult and I speak from experience having gone through this before coming to China. Married for twenty-three years and we really should have known better. We did stick it out until the youngest had finished school, big mistake. We did not have blazing rows or any physical abuse, but the children knew we should have parted. It was not until after she moved out leaving me with two teenage daughters that I felt the weight lift from me. I had clients who said they had not seen me looking happier. As I said when discussing divorce with another guy who had gone through it too, sometimes it is like a habit, a bad habit, but you don't always realise how it affects you until it is over and you are free. My relationship with my children is good and I see them twice a year when going back to the UK, as to my ex after six years I still hate her with a vengeance but have entered a new life now. A new country, new wife, new adult stepson, new in-laws and after 50 odd years have finally figured out what makes me happy. With due respect to Jnusb it may be possible to retain some kind of friendship but it is not one where you should be together under the same roof. In my experience that friendship decayed slowly over the years and became something not very nice at all. If you have children you should split but be very truthful with them and under no circumstances deny them access to the other parent or try to turn them against the other parent. Children are not stupid, they know when things at home are not right and where the blame should be laid.
I just don't know why people get married? A piece of paper to protect urself, to guarantee marriage? I know a lot people they never get married with each other but been together for their whole life, and those who get married for less than one year end up divorce.
Before getting married, think carefully about what u want to get from this marriage, and if one day u want to divorce each other, asked again what did u want.
To do anything to make urself unhappy is ridiculous, no matter what excuse u use it's a lie. And to make other people suffer is even worse...
I have to say, be selfish but don't hurt anyone. Most of the time u think u sacrifice a lot for others, but it's not true, they r not happier because of your sacrifice...
wenna7, you cannot be speaking about China. Impossible.
Have you ever taken a sociology of the family class before? If you did you would know that couples marry for different reasons. And since you added kids to the equation that could be one factor. Many couples do things out of love for their kids so if staying together helps them out then they do that. It's a sacrifice! Kids usually do better in school with a double parent household meaning mother and father. A lot of times if the couples don't like each other they may stay until the kid is old enough to realize their situation then split afterwards. Try taking a sociology of the family class you might learn something.
HugAPanda:
Man, I saw sociology class and thought this might actually be a good answer.
And it half is. Children coming from a HAPPY double parent family do better in school/life/future relationships than kids who are in a loveless, double parent family, especially when the parents are fighting or abusive. Which, if you think about it, makes sooooo much more sense. Tension stresses everyone out. When you are stressed like that, a child hasn't had the ability to handle that kind of stress.
So unless you and your spouse are going to fake happy and fake love and lie about it all, divorce AND hope the kids don't catch on because they do and it makes it even worse for them. Kids from single parent homes are much better off than living in a farce.
compatibility is more important , if love or no love it would be great either way as long as there are no arguments
