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Q: Will you pay your ex-girlfriend a "break-up fee" when you demanded to break up with her?

10 years 6 weeks ago in  Relationships - China

 
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Only if you did not pay her the night before.

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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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no why ?

Scandinavian:

oh, hypothetical answer as I would never "demand a divorce" from my wife

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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Governor

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Well said

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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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I thought the going rate was a Ipad

ScotsAlan:

Nah, Ipads come at the start of the relationship laugh

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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hahaha.. Some requested for 50-200K.. However it is negotiable... 

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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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No way.

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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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Try using the "Add comment" link instead of posting new replies.

 

What incentive is there to pay this fee?  What happens if it goes unpaid?  I would hope I'd be smart enough to avoid getting involved with this kind of girl in the first place....

kahhowe9:

you will never know until you ask for a break up..

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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F*ck No!

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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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Nope. But if my wife wanted a divorce I would let her keep everything. 

 

I can sort of see the reason for the compensation request though.  A 26 year old girl might go out with a guy, and after 5 years he finishes with her. She will be a 31 year old shengnu.  The family might not be too happy about that.

 

If you want a Chinese GF, but have no intention of ever getting married, I would say it's better to avoid girls 25-30 years old. 

kahhowe9:

Relationship needs a willing seller and a willing buyer. It is impossible to imagine that the girl sleeping beside us for all the while was actually hungry for our money.. That is why I don't look for girls speak good english and hanging out in the pub always looking for big fish. I would rather have a well educated with good family background girl who speak no english.. 

10 years 6 weeks ago
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JasonR:

I agree, would learn more Chinese this way too!. 

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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Says a lot about what the time spent together ever meant.

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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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Yeah, StotsAlan explained the underlying thoughts, and I share his sentiment in the case of a divorce. The girl's entire family will feel that you've turned her into a secondhand car, wasting their family assets. They may plan revenge of some sort, and people might feel compelled to help the family out. If you want to skip the 'fee', you should get out of town quickly, perhaps leave China entirely.

It's better to state your intentions clearly and repeatedly to a girl at the start of a relationship. Don't mess about and assume that she "gets you". Whimsical relationships with false promises of commitment are trendy in the West, but here in China it's among the greatest sources of dislike for westerners. And in this instance, the locals are right to dislike opportunistic serial daters.

Be honest and committed, or just be single. If you want anything other than a full commitment relationship from girls here, you should state your intentions very crystal clear, no sugarcoating. Since you probably didn't do that, this is the consequence. I feel I'm breaking my own principles by telling a laowai to go home, but in this case I think it's the best for everyone involved.

You have so many options to get your rocks off: Porn, prostitution, flings with actual party girls... Did you have to give laowai a bad name by fooling around with their women? I know you don't feel you did anything wrong, and that's why I think it's best you returned to your home country.

10 years 6 weeks ago
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coineineagh:

It's not entirely his fault. Cultural differences, communication problems, and high expectations from the girl also play a role. But he must acknowledge his debt to her by trying to reach an acceptable compromise with the family. My in-laws also seemed uncompromising at the start, but eventually accepted a dowry of just 40% of their initial demand. But if the guy just walks away from his obligation, he is showing no respect whatsoever to the girl or her family. So, this 25-year-older guy is the same one who wants to walk away casually, is that right?

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
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coineineagh:

oh well, grumble as you will, but splitting up is never fun unless you're a sadist. and everything revolves around money in China.

10 years 6 weeks ago
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ScotsAlan:

In my time here, I have found that almost every girl is traditional.  That is, they have a life plan to be married by 30 and have a baby within the first year of marriage.  There are horror stories of gold diggers of course, but I have come across very few.

 

I have also seen guys date girls here while their wife was at home in the west. Promising them the world to get their leg over, only to dump them when finished. That happens everywhere in the world of course, but it annoys me when I see it here.

 

Personally, I would not pay.  But that's because I would not be daft enough to get mixed up with a girl mid to late 20's, unless I saw her as life partner material. That's just asking for trouble.  But having said that, if the breakup was my fault, then it's possible I would pay.  I suppose it's one of those "you have to be there" scenarios.

 

But I do understand how the parents would want compensation. Their daughter has had her time wasted while she could have been available to serious suitors.

 

I know that sounds really really sexist. But this is where we live.

 

 

10 years 6 weeks ago
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Englteachted:

"You have so many options to get your rocks off: Porn, prostitution, flings with actual party girls... Did you have to give laowai a bad name by fooling around with their women? I know you don't feel you did anything wrong, and that's why I think it's best you returned to your home country."

Their women? As I stated in my answer Chinese see women as property and not people. Women are responsible for their decisions too. Also women  who have been in a relationship with "laowai" are more likely to leave with a good impression of foreign men. I know this from my students, not one that i know of had a bad experience. (This surprised me because I have a low opinion of foreign students). The proof is, they actively try to find foreigners to date. (Chinese male: they are visa seekers. The majority can't leave China because of their families.)  They love how they are treated. Some have actually told me it is great to have those feelings and experiences to reflect back on when they are married. 

The real issue is China does not want its women (They see them as property) to know what it is like to be treated like a person. 

Since some people  like to bring up America, I will give you an example involving the states. During the times of slavery, slave owners did not want their slaves to come into contact with free blacks from other countries. Why? the mere sight would lead to idea "I am not property and I should not be treated as such"

 

10 years 6 weeks ago
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coineineagh:

I guess I can see how it relates to what I said. However, Chinese women have a mindset that connects relationship to marriage to childbearing, regardless of whether they are seen as property or not. Short-term relationships aren't in their vocabulary, so a casual break-up is very distressing, and is not likely to improve their regard of laowai, or the concept of freedom in general. On a sidenote, many Chinese women seem to be openly comfortable with their property status. It fits in with a static world view, and feels very comfortable that nothing intellectual is expected of them at all. I don't see a society of only victimised women here; some are deliberately passive. Perhaps they aren't aware of their victim status because they know no better, but it doesn't warrant a comparison to slavery.

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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Remember, in China women are property. Everything about them is put under the microscope. 

You had sex with a man you were in a relationship with, you are whore. (Chinese Men demand sex in a relationship ) Your parents must charge a lower price when selling you. A women's only purpose is to make/ raise babies and make her husband happy. You can't have babies over the age of 30 so women over 30 have no value. (Which is why women in this country study English so fervently)

But you could always say this is true in America. 

coineineagh:

Women do those things to eachother with glee; it's called gossip. They keep eachother down that way. Although it's more pronounced here in China, close-knit communities with oppressive gossiping are found everywhere. And Chinese men aren't the only ones that demand sex in a relationship ;-)

10 years 6 weeks ago
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Englteachted:

Are you insane? It is the man or his mother that demands a lower price because she was raped, she had 2 boyfriends, she had a black boyfriend, she is 27,she is too short, she is too fat etc. 

10 years 6 weeks ago
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coineineagh:

Yes, traditionalists have made a real meat market for women here. It's horrible. Men's family's are also obligated to marry the woman into the family, and provide a house and car even when the guy just came out of university. Not much room for getting to know eachother, just buy the lemon already! I think the most vocal complaints about this culture come from the side of the men, who are finding it increasingly difficult to meet the demands of women's families. The objectification of women in this country is deplorable, but locals are largely oblivious to its injustice. In fact, since women are biologically hardwired to seek a safe and stable LIKE being valued as a static object rather than a dynamic person. They'll stay a virgin (or lie), refuse to date without an immediate proposal, shun black men, marry young, wear high heels and diet fervently to rank high in the meat market of static achievements. There are many injustices all round, but women seem to have the upper hand now. It's a supply-demand thing. And on a final note, many couples in big cities are starting to shun tradition, doing away with dowries, big lavish weddings, and even delaying marriage for years.

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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i see a new business model for Chinese girls:*

date a foreigner, break up and demand a 'fee' for the time spent together.

 

*NOTE: this is not a serious answer

 

 

NoTime2Lose:

No problem Sorrel.  I never took the question seriously either.

9 years 47 weeks ago
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Shifu

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Englteachted is half right. Men are also "seen as property", just in a different context. Men are draft animals, like a plowhorse. They exist to generate money, which is to be given over to the woman. This break up fee scam is simply another way for men to be used for money. 

 

We're taught to realize sexual objectification when we see it, while before we were oblivious. Unfortunately, we don't see objectification of men when we see it (and/or we want to believe such a thing can't exist). Try this. Tell prospective girlfriends that you want to empower them by not paying for anything (other than possibly birthday gifts). Any house payments will be 50/50, but any food, clothing, etc. that she needs/wants, she can buy herself with money she makes. Say that you won't treat women as property, so you won't spend money on them. See how far that gets you. Of course, there will be women who love you as a person rather than an expendable resource, but the cultural gender norms have a lot of influence. She's expected to pop out a baby, then care for it. He's expected to pay for her living expenses and lifestyle, as well as his own, and the child's. 

 

When a woman see a man as a source of income, when she uses him for money, when she expects him to buy things for her, or give her money, simply because she feels she deserves it, and money = love, then she's exploiting him, as sure as if the sexes were reversed and he demanded sex whenever he felt like it. 

 

The too long, couldn't be arsed to read version. China has rigid gender roles that suck. They suck for women, and they suck for men. Giving money to a woman because she feels entitled to it is part of the gender role for men, which, as noted above, sucks. 

Hotwater:

Spot on and well written!

 

I'm lucky in that I met a wonderful woman here who is not money led...she doesn't care as long as she has enough to eat, a roof over her head, can travel and more importantly is loved. We get married next month and she doesn't want an apartment, photo's or big wedding meal...just to go and get the wedding book and have a honeymoon somewhere interesting. :-)

10 years 6 weeks ago
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Mateusz:

Thanks Hotwater. And I'm glad you were able to meet such a woman. Certainly, not all women use men for money, just like not all men use woman for sex. It's a cultural norm, but one people can overcome. I'm happy you found someone to share mutual respect and love.

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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Sure, I'll buy her a KFC tiantong at our break up meeting. geez any way to get money.

 

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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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I'll buy her some pesticide-seasoned breakfast... it's the least I can do for them, seeing as that's what they did to me.

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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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No fu***ng way I'd give even a dime. That was just a relationship not a biz deal.

I bet anonymous is a lady "in trouble" who will be dumped or have just been dumped.

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10 years 5 weeks ago
 
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I was with a guy for 3 years, he always told me he loved me and that we wouldn't break up because if you love someone you make it work. We could never work out a time when we were both free and just a couple days ago he said we should just be friends. I know he dont me love anymore. When we were dating he said to everyone that I was his girlfriend and introduced me, told his friends he really liked me and told me he loved me, I wanted to be with him again but I never knew what to do. I tried for a long time with other spell casters to get him back but dr.marnish@ yahoo. com was the ONLY spell caster that could do the love spell for me that worked, if you need help call him +15036626930, he will always come to your aid, Obviously dr marnish is the REAL DEAL!

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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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What?  You can just pay a fee and get rid of her?  

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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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Only if you did not pay her the night before.

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9 years 48 weeks ago
 
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You must be drinking to even think about such a thing!

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9 years 47 weeks ago
 
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the problem is I don't have an ex gf.

Robk:

Well why not? Don't you think it is time to give it the "old college try"? 

 

Be sure to share your generous results 

9 years 47 weeks ago
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diehard:

still a college student,   I'll think about it.

9 years 47 weeks ago
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Robk:

That's the spirit! A pretty lady like you shouldn't have any trouble attracting attention from the males and the females. 

9 years 47 weeks ago
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9 years 47 weeks ago
 
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9 years 47 weeks ago
 
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well only IF my package covers for that。

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9 years 47 weeks ago
 
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Shifu

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Weird. I had a Chinese girlfriend say the same thing. She owed me 3000 RMB and said she wouldn't pay me back because of a "breakup fee"

Hotwater:

That is weird. Surely if 2 girls broke up they'd be even? 

8 years 8 weeks ago
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