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Q: Chinese friends like you to pay their bills
I have couple of good chinese friends.To be franky,they are really nice ,whI don't have money they will lend their money to me.But of course I will return these money back as soon as possible.But the problem is when they visit me,they will let me pay almost every bill for them from morning till night,which makes me feel sucks.When I am with my friends,I never will take that advantages,I will pay my own bill.My chinesefriends told me it is strange to split bills.
How you think about my friends?If you were me,hw will you deal with them?
and PS:No matter where they are going,they require me to keep company with them every moment.I don't like to be in this way.I am not their mom.
Well, I thought it was the traditional way to provide for guests, if they are staying with you. However, if you don't like that, what you can do is tell them that you will not pay for everything when they visit. Tell them that you will split the bill with them. If they are ok with that, everything's cool. If not, then they won't visit you anymore. That will also prove how good friends they are. Good friends will not abandon you just because you won't pay everything for them.
Isn't it true that splitting bills is a new thing in China? It's a modern thing, or perhaps a different cultural thing that came from other countries. Only the younger generations do that. Are your friends more traditional than you are?
Victoria1987:
My friends are more traditional than me.They are willing to help me if I am in throuble,but want me to pay them when they visit me,that sucks.I even can't communicate with them,makes me feel they are little girls.One of my friends have to drag me around when she is in a big city,she doesn't have ability to travel alone,that sucks,I am only 25,then I have to take care of a 24 girl.Makes me feel I am her mom.If she wants to do something,if I don't want to do,she just simply doesn't do it.In big city,living costs are more expensive,so most people will split the bill,in small city,people don't do thati,my friends are livng in small city,I am in big city.So we act very diffrently,she can't understand that way.
They sound like freeloaders who are taking advantage of you, not friends.
Friends take turns, friends split the bill, friends do not sit back and let the other always pay the bill. Friendship is about give and take. Know when to give and know when to take.
Friendship also allows for "breathing space". And they never , EVER , knowingly make their friends uncomfortable.
mArtiAn:
Hear, hear, the voice of reason. Dump those freeloading bastards Victoria. Dump 'em like a dead dog in a canal. You're only a mark if you allow yourself to be.
Victoria1987:
Well said,I think am a friend like that.Just my friends are not like that,the main reason is they are not indepent and not very understanding.
Victoria1987:
She doesn'give me breathing space,today I refusd to go out with her again.Now she is mad at me.I don't care.Cas she is a mommy girl,it is her issue.
GuilinRaf:
You are doing the right thing. Soon, you will realize who your friends are. Best of luck!
xinyuren:
Ah, that reminds me of the definition of a Gentleman: A person who makes sure the people in his company always feel comfortable. I can't imagine a situation where I would expect my host to pay for everything, notwithstanding cultural differences.
i prefer taking turns on the bill thingy.......not a fan of sharing the bill cause it is ma fan to do that in public.......i pay this and you pay that......plus if i do have a friend that have some financial problems i would be happy to pay all his bills and ignore the turn over policy of mine.....that is why friends are made for.......HELPING and UNDERSTANDING..........End of Story
My gf has a couple of friends like this. I call them freeloaders.
Not only do they make her pay all the time but also dominate the conversation by only talking about themselves and all their problems.
Next time just say you don't have any money. If they still want to go out then all is right again. If not move on.
Victoria1987:
My sister has a friend like this also,she made my sister pay every bill for her.Then my sister got angry,ignored her.Then she left.
I paid for every meal except for noodles my GF bought me sometimes and my first meal in China. before I left I was taken out for dinner with my GF and friends and I got the bill,I was a bit ticked.
If I were you and you know your friends are thinking you will pay, I would not carry much money, no more than 30, 40 or so. Then when the bill comes, tell them you only have enough for your share.
Victoria1987:
Even when I am dating my ex,I didn't make them pay everything for me.I don't wanna make myself to be like a freeloarder.
My rule is that whoever invites pays the bill. Chinese seem to do a lot of inviting but then try to sluff off the bill to the foreigner. When they pull this crap on me, I slide the bill right back to them and remind them that they invited me. The invitations quickly evaporate which is okay by me. When my true friends want to go out, I always let them suggest a place and before we leave I will say something like "Are we going dutch or is this your treat?" so they have to go on record of how we will pay the bill even before we get there.
mostly , Chinese people dont like AA , if 2 friends go to the restaurant , and pay their bill separate， it looks strange in China , not its unfair that u always pay ur bills , maybe u can choose not come with them , and you can refuse , this is really bad friend , when i go out with my friends , we never AA, but if my friends pay this time , its my turn when next time,always like this , then , friendship can be longer , pls refuse next time
I've only found myself pushed into this position once, by making the mistake of saying yes to a 'friend' (pff) when he suggested bringing along one or two of his friends to the restaurant we'd 'mutually' arranged to meet in (i'm well aware of the unwritten invitation rule about paying the bill). He turned up with four girls who sat there texting and never said a word to me, then when the bill came it was passed directly to me. I turned to the guy, told him straight that it was his and mine down the middle, enjoyed the look on his face as he very reluctantly paid his share, said my goodbyes and buggered off.
sounds like free-loaders.
nothing at all strange in China about everyone paying their share of the bill. They call it AA and they know the term 'going Dutch'.
granted my friends are the 20 - 30 years of age crowd in first-tier cities. But with this set, going dutch is way normal !
