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Q: Is the "cold war treatment" from Chinese girls typical during/after an argument?
So I just read a lot of the content of Middle Kingdom Life, and while a lot of it is incredibly useful and informative (and worrying) I get the feeling that some of it is a little sweeping, especially when the writer goes makes a point about almost all Chinese girls being highly narcissist, but I digress.
He made a point about how many Chinese girls give their partners the "cold war treatment" during/after an argument, which I guess entails just blanking the partner completely and refusing to talk or make peace or whatever. Is this true? From what I've seen (on the streets), it's more a case of good old screaming and shouting (by both the man and the woman I might add).
10 years 44 weeks ago in Relationships - China
The thing is. People are not trained in dialog, so they default to basic instincts either fight or flee. Yell or not talk at all.
Yes, they (some of them) act like spoilt children. If you ignore it as well, usually they magically pull out of it. The worst thing seems to be giving up to whatever demands they may have at the time.
Yes, it's a cultural phenomenon in China and Korea.
As grown-ups, we tend to think that problems can be resolved through communication. Chinese people haven't made this discovery yet.
A lot of Chinese girls (even the clever ones) are prone to babyish tantrums in public, and cold unresponsiveness as a device in argument. Both of these types of behaviour are extremely juvenile, irritating, and embarrassing.
It is very important not to dignify these episodes, from the start (and gradually they - or your girlfriend - will disappear). If a personal disagreement leads to one of these situations - walk away. Leave her to have her tantrum or brood silently until she comes to a realisation about communicating like an adult.
The sa jiao ("cute" tantrums) thing appeals to Chinese men because it makes them feel more mature. Being Chinese men, they are generally quite insecure, and need token displays like this to reinforce their position.
Conversely, Western men tend to think of women as their equals, so this type of childish behaviour can really undermine their confidence in their partner's intellect.
I'm not suggesting that Western men are wonderful at relationships or communication. Women usually need more personal engagement than men give them. But this type of behaviour isn't going to achieve mutual consideration or respect.
In China, women are valued for being "cute". My assessment of humans is a bit more advanced.
I did have an argument with a girlfriend some years ago.
I wanted to talk it and sort it out. She went silent.
The reason why, she explained later, is that she's at a serious disadvantage (and, either way, one of us would be).
Language!
She couldn't express herself fluently, clearly, in a way that would get her point across. And neither could I in Chinese.
Now, you may be thinking this is only for a Chinese/Non-Chinese thing, but I think it's something many women experience towards men all the time (and vice-versa).
In some ways, we just don't understand what the other is saying... (although, I suspect most of this isn't really the problem, it's the 'not conceding to the other's opinion' problem!)
I agree - just ignore it! Walk away... if it happens again, dump her!
How is this any different to women across the globe in general? Aside from the obvious bit about them being Chinese. I think they are just wired like that.
Kaiwen:
With most Western women, you can have a heated argument. You might end up with the frying pan around your earhole or end having to make your own dinner but at least you can have a good old tiff. Then everything is fine again after a period of time. Where Chinese women are concerned, it's a waste of time even trying to reason with them. When they go off on one of these "sa jiao" tantrums, you might as well just grab a tin hat and hide elsewhere until she comes out of it. Rhyme or reason goes out of the window.
I've been trying to mediate between a newly wed Chinese couple over the past few days who got into a major fight and are now no longer talking. The guy is staying at a friend's house while the wife is sitting at home alone sobbing all day. Neither has called the other for about 4 days already. I met both separately to try to help diffuse the situation and encourage them to talk about their problems but that's exactly the problem. Neither wants to talk to the other and both have told me separately that they don't know how to communicate with the other without igniting a screaming match. It's true that communication skills are not as developed as Samsara states. I'm now convinced that couples therapy would be a huge industry here. If only I studied psychiatry.
coffaholic:
She is actually. They've since made up and are lovey-dovey again! Phew!
Thanks for the input guys. I'm not speaking from experience as such (free and single!) but was just after reading the Middle Kingdom Life website. Are you familiar with the site? What do you think of it?
short answer is Yes Been with my wife 7 years
started building the Fall Out Shelter 6 and 1/2 years ago
still need to dig it deeper The shelter that is the Depth of the sh@t I am in is deep enough
It has been a long time since I posted, busy, busy, busy. It seems to me that most Chinese girls have the mentality of a 2 year old in the mist of an argument, I find that if the Chinese Women who have experienced backgrounds in relationships tend to be more conflict resolution types of girls and the younger less experienced tend to do one of two things: Cold Shoulder or Hit, Kick, Bite and Scream, I also like how they tend to drop on their bottoms and cry.
