I just returned to the Great White North from China. After 17 days I return home to find it 11*C, now I really hate home more. I loved China so much that when i visited the Forbidden City, I declared myself Emporer ,on Sept 9 just in time for festival,. I told my guide that I was a reincarnet and this is why I knew where everything was. I slowly gained a following through out the day. Given enough time to take over the country I think I could have done great things. Due to the massive population that could support me, I think I would have been the best Emporer ever.The first thing I wanted to change was the toilets for the whole country after I could not find any in the Forbidden City. I kept saying "that" must be the toilet to my guide, and she said no. Think about this, the Emporers toilet had to be made of gold, so I think it has been stolden. There were very few other furnishings left there also. I also found the Chinese lazy. So many repairs or cleaning is not done. At the Great Wall, the newer stairways were filthy. Inside window frames were discusting. I thought a few good old fashioned floggings, maybe a be-heading or two would teach the country to be more productive. But then I remembered what Poutine started. This is a new age and if I do infact continue as Emporer I may invite Poutine to come back and initiate a national dance policy. I see the people want to go this direction. I see them in the parks, they really just need better choreography. Poutine maybe the best man for the post. Getting back to the toilets, I think a full convertion to western toilets,the low flush rate ones. I used a very good Kroller model at the Sheridan. I think we could copy it for the entire country.Think of how much easier this will be, especially for old people with bad knees that have trouble getting up.
I found the food to be too greasy, and not all that delicious, didn't like the chicken heads at all. Most restaurants need updating too. I saw so many dirty looking places with childrens tables and chairs and yet the place was full. I enjoyed the variety, but my best meal was the breakfast at the Sheridan in Xi'an. Te cheapest price I found when booking for breakfast was $25 each, and get there to find it to be 58Y or $8, another Chinese rip off.
The drivers are crazy in China, the people have to have the right of way.They need more traffic laws. I saw children drive scooters. I tried starring down a driver coming out a driveway one day, didn't work. but he has a dent in his door now.
Yangshou was a blast. I took the raft down the Li river and I whipped out an Altec speaker system for my MP3 player, first song I played in China while going down the river was " I Want To Be Sedated" by the Ramones. I spent 3 days riding around on motorcycles looking for King Cobras. I fell in love with a Chinese woman I saw bathing in the river. I learned she was married and had a child. She agreed to go with me but when she replied and I saw her missing teeth, I told her maybe stay home for her childs sake.The weather was perfect for a motorcycle, too bad all I could get was a 125cc.
I went to Beijing and Xi'an but it was so cold and rainy that I went back to Guilin.The women in Beijing either tried to scam or have me jobbed. I did not find one to sleep with, not even for an hour. I'm tired of the cold, which is one of the reasons I wanted to see China. Back to Guilin , 37*C and humid,, but hey it's free heat.
The reason I had come to China was to explore the possiblity of living there and check out the girl friend I bought on EBay. I'm filling a PayPal dispute over her sale, just another scammer. She had no teeth, used someone elses picture and paid someone to write to me. I never met so many scammers in my life as in China. Lazy silly people who do not realize that some people have brains and are smarter than they are. I had a chub on 24/7, Guiling girls are hot and just a sea of them. I had to walk with a limp half the time so as not to wake Mr. Happy. Later that day I had aquired another new full time girl friend and she always had other girl friends to come for dinner and drinks. I needed another type of dating for late evenings. My first day I decide to have a massage and relax, I picked the most expensive girl. I kept telling her to take it easy and go slow, but she attacked me, I think I was raped. I never did get a massage. I thought she was so nice to tell me I'm so big. When I left two hours later, apparently she was mad because I was not satified. It must go in her record or something. When I arrived at my hotel I found another date who came to my room. She also claimed that I was so big and Chinese men small. When I realized that her condoms and the ones l had bought in China were too small I had an epiphany that I was going to have alot of fun in China. I did have to pay this woman, I think it was a tax for something, I thought I killed her a couple of times,but after two hours of her screaming "o yo so gooda", she left but not without giving me a hug and kiss and her phone number, Regretably guys, I lost the number,she was a nice bit of entertainment. After a few days,I thought I had found an endless supply of women for nightly entertainment, but they are so lazy they can't stay awake for two hours. One night I decided to have enough women to satisfy my needs and I tried to arrange for a date every hour. Just have them line up in the hall. I really wanted this. But it was fall festival holiday and there weren't enough girls working, more laziness. They should ask for double pay.
Now the beer wasn't bad, the 52% rice wine was nasty. I was afraid to try unknown wines. I loved that I really could walk down the street drinking a beer. China does have many cultural differences that I enjoy, especially the 650,000,000 part. I met alot of people and one friend told me the hotel thinks I'm drunk all the time because I'm laughing all the time. Truth is I never got drunk once, most I drank was 4 beers one night. My drinking companions weren't from the Great White North, so you know how that went.
I stayed awake my for my last night in China, mostly I sat on the balcony of my hotel room. I wanted to enjoy every last minute. So I sat there drinking beer, watching the city go by while a 2000Y woman slept in my bed. She was so good. I love China and I hated to go. I haven't slept for two more nights and I'm loopy, which is why I'm writting this goofy story. If you know me, I'm always kidding. This story is true.